Dating…. Dating…. Women… I don’t understand either of those
things… I sit here right now, contemplating what to make of things….
Being single, I am getting to know different women,
different people really… all different kinds of women, some as friends and some
as more, or, as potential for more… or maybe leading toward potential for more…
perhaps… more, squashing the potential for less, but not cheapening the more
that it is….. see….. confusing.
Recently I have gotten to meet some wonderful women… I have
met women with warm hearts, women with interesting lives and women who we
simply didn’t have anything in common… and… I still find myself in a place
where I sit and question whether the woman I am getting to know is a friend, a
date, a girlfriend, and so on, and so forth….. and so I have been trying to
determine where I am on the scale of people… Honestly… I don’t have terrible
luck with the ladies… I KNOW, shocking!!!
But I digress… I have a great sense of humour, and well, I am definitely
not FUGLY… I’m not the most attractive person in the world but not chew your
arm off either…. So I fit…physically… I am not desperate. But then you add to that my KICK ASS
personality and it’s a no brainer… people are drawn to me… and yet…. When it
comes to dating… I don’t QUITE know what
to do.
I really am good at TALKING… at having conversations…in
large crowds…. I joke around about sex easily, I flirt with EVERYONE and it is
a pretty standard thing that I do… and yet if there is a possibility that it is
real… that it leads to the intimacy of believability…. I am at a loss…. Over the
past couple of months, I have gone out on a limb… I have asked women out… I have
asked new friends to come over for dinner, invited myself to their houses for
dinner… I have asked girls for dates… and THAT was hard… I have had 7 girls
cancel on me… 7….. I’ve developed mad crushes on unavailable women and even had
a brief affair… and yet.. when it comes to dating… to getting to know a woman
for a relationship…. I have NO IDEA what to say or do…
As an extrovert… I know that people perceive that I am
confident in all different venues… and yet nothing makes me step back more and
feel less perceptive than the intimacy of getting to know a girl for potential
dating…. I don’t know if I hug them,
what a good time lapse for kissing is, how you know when to kiss…. If you
should hold hands, how you know if she likes you, what to say to lead up to it,
how to eat and smile at the same time without looking silly…. What to talk
about it….. I suddenly feel so unattractive.. clumbsy… lacking in coordination…
suddenly all the things that make me popular and fun… the things that make me
stand out in a crowd and have people talking about me long into the future…
they don’t seem so great… they seem, somehow… lacking… shallow…
I wonder what other girls see in me… what attracts them to
want to get to know me… I run through my faults in my head… listing to myself,
on a scale, what the most and least undesirable aspects of my personality are
and where they lie on the greater scale of likability…. I recall the common
denominators, the constants… the things that most have complained about… and
check if I have improved any of those things… once I have figured out what
degree of dislikability I would place myself, I would then go through the
physical aspects.. what parts of my body have grown/fallen/sagged/stretched…. Then
I start to attribute minute issues… possible things that may or may not come up…
things I should avoid saying… avoid admitting…
By this time I have mixed my brain up to the point where I
have played out our potential relationship from
beginning to end and decided that she has run for the hills… practically
breathing a sigh of relief that she has narrowly escaped a living hell with
ME. She is stepping away from me, my
home, my family… knowing deep down inside that I really am all those things
that she was worried about….
And yet… here I am… putting myself out there, opening myself
up to these women… and the chance that thy will find me interesting….. that I
will find them interesting… that we will grow to like each other and possibly
become more than simply faces in life….
Being confident is a lot of work…. but today.... I'm going to ball up all this scared girl... put on my big girl panties and step outside of my comfort zone and maybe meet someone who's life I will change and whos life I will change.... Who knows.
