2012....nope.... 2013

Hey everyone, and first let me say that I hope that this holiday season has been good to you and you didn't get THAT COLD that is going around... I hear it's a doozy.

That said... I am on a tangent, I am on a mission, I am ready willing and able.

Tomorrow is 2013... I can't believe it... where did the year go?  I sat here this morning trying to think of all the things that have happened to me this year... and it is immense... when I think back to where I was this night a year ago... this was not it..... but believe it or not... I don't remember where I was.

I decided that rather than making New Year's resolutions,.... instead of creating a list of obligations that are far out of reach (loose 200 lbs and be PERFECT blah blah blah), thereby setting myself up to fail which always ends up with me being disappointed in myself.... instead of THAT list, I would list what I have done over the past year, to ensure that I remember that......

I AM A BEAUTIFULL WOMAN AND I HOLD THE KEY TO WHO I AM!!!!

(is it just me or did you just TOTALLY hear that "da da da daaaaaa" music??? but.. I digress)

So to remind me, and to show you the strength that I have shown, the intelligence, the beauty I have created.... I will instead acknowledge how far I have come and how much i CAN accomplish when I put enough effort into it.

1) I went to Cuba... I flew on an airplane, with my then partner, and celebrated my birthday in a tropical place..... the beauty there, the people, the food.  Going with my ex even, that trip will be always remembered with beauty and love.... I recommend you go at some point, just sit down on the bench and watch the people walk by (and watch your wallet for sure).  The people don't speak much english, and for goodness sake, remember to bring toilet paper and hand sanitizer.... but I have no complaints and am truly PROUD of me for facing my fears of swimming in the ocean, flying long distance, being in a foreign country and went to CUBA.. It was perfect!

2) I ended an abusive relationship that in the end was toxic to us both but has taught us both so much.  I am proud of myself for taking myself out of that... for moving past the pain, for forgiving myself and forgiving her..... for standing up for myself when I didn't' do wrong and ADMITTING to my own abusive behaviour... I learned from that relationship, more about me than I ever thought possible, up to and including how strong I can be.

3) I cleared up 30% of my debt and took responsibility for clearing up a financial mess that i have left too long.

4) I have learned more about my children and where we all are in our own lives and where we are in each other's lives.  I see that both my children are working on where they are in their lives and see that my life, my actions, my decisions affect them every day, and am clearly working on making things better and heathier even if I have to drag them along kicking and screaming!! (I jest.... if you have seen my son you would know, i would not POSSIBLY be able to pull that boy, but I could probably hop on his shoulders and use a riding crop....... KIDDING.... GEEEZ)

5) I dreaded my hair..... I have wanted dreads since I was 10 years old and everyone told me that it was dirty, nasty, smelly, looked terrible, was a bad idea... and I allowed THEM to decide how my hair would be..... but I have taken control of ME... and dreaded my hair and I LOVE it... and so does everyone else!!! 

6) I drove up the interior on mountains and in tunnels WITH ME DRIVING.... to see my uncle in Williams lake and only panicked 2 times each way (that IS and accomplishment... previously I was FAR to afraid)...and I drove to PRINCETON by myself... in the middle of the night... and was standing 10 feet away from a FAMILY of wild deer..... and they LET me watch them....

7) I remembered spirituality and how it makes me feel, which returned me to the church.  I know that there is a higher power, whatever it may be.... I do not, for one second believe all of the beauty is an accident.... and I don't care who knows it.

*****DRUM ROLL PLEASE*****

8) I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!

I want to give proper credit to me.... to the people in my life who have proven to be faithful friends and chosen family.  thank you to my children, for not hating me TOO much (i know... there are days)... to my sister for haivng that baby.... to my nephew for extending an olive branch.... I wantt o thank my pseudo mom... for letting me stomp my feet when I needed to and talking me through it.  I want to send a million thank you's to my counselor... I also want to thank you for reading my blog... for telling me what you think, for spreading the word.... I love that you enjoy what I say, .. and to the babies.... who bring me back to love and innocents... trust and beauty....

See you next year!!!

Well, THAT'S out of the way.....

Well, Christmas is done... thank goodness!  I hate the holiday freaking out, the mood swings, the being forcefully cheery when you simply want to snuggle into bed with a cup of coffee, someone warm and a calm movie.... I suppose I want those things because they are things I have never had in my life... maybe those things aren't what they are cracked up to be... so I will make an effort... I will go out on a limb, as it were, and admit that I loved the crazy 2 day madness....

Christmas for me is so many different things, as I am sure it is for all of you.  I have so many memories from childhood and adulthood, from my kids' faces to the presents from my dad when I was 7..... The foods I ate reminded me so much of life as it has been and not as it is... there were things missing... that brought me back to reality.  No sweet Potatoe pie... my father's recipe.. No green onion casserole, my step father's, no beets, (my mom) or yams (tammy) no ham (keasha) or turnips (my grandma)....

And yet it was one of the Christmas' that I will remember most... I will remember this Christmas that not everything is as it seems and it takes very little to make the most of a situation.  I will remember that people may hurt you, they may emotionally throw you on the ground and stomp on you, but if they EVER cared about you, they might surprise you with an apology that is from the heart... I will rmember opening the gift bags in my room at 2 in the morning and sleeping till noon.  I will remember the wonderful people who came by, had a bite to eat, just visited.  I will remember chocolate pecan clusters and homemade brownies; banana bread and turkey gravy.  I will remember my family together in one place for a prolonged period of time and no one killing each other.

I will remember the feeling when a friend offered me a way to give my children Christmas because she knew I was in trouble and they weren't having it... i will remember thinking that I ruined Christmas for my kids and vowing to do better next year.  I will remember Turkey dinner everywhere... wine, smiling, hugs and candy... the kindness that I hear about was here, in my home, in my heart, and I loved it.

This christmas I was reminded that you don't need EVERYTHING to make you feel like SOMETHING.. you don't have to be in love in order to feel love at Christmas time.  I was reminded that a cuddle with my kid is worth the dirty looks.  That singing and dancing with my kids makes it all seem ok again.

This special holiday I was brought full circle to infants in my arms, the smell of their soft skin and the sound of their electronic toys making Christmas what it was meant to be....

Thanks, to everyone in my life, for being here in my life.  For offering me a reminder that love is worth all  the ups and downs, cuz there's nothing better..

Merry Christmas everyone!!