This is.... different

I find myself at a different place in my life right now... somewhere I have never been before.... i feel almost like i don't know who I am anymore, but on the opposite side, I feel for the first time in my life I am getting to know me, and just actually take the time to get to a place where I like me.  This makes me question if I liked me before now...

Did it truly take a relationship that was so.... so fraught with so much for me to stop to get to know me??  What was going on for me that I didn't actually take that time?  I have always just flitted through life....

From my posts,, from my memory, one can see that my childhood was fucked up.. I got fat when I was 8 years old... it just kind of .... well... happened.  I was thin in pictures, well, maybe not thin per say but not fat, I was maybe slightly larger than the others.... but something happened... nobody knows what, I can't tell you, I was suddenly fat...They tell you when you want to lose weight that you should picture yourself thin... I was a kid...do YOU recall what you looked like at 7 years old?  Me neither... It just happened.  I have seen some doctors who literally told me, without a test, without a question, within 5 minutes of meeting me, tell me that it was just the extra cookie I have every day... but when I say I have been fat forever, they say it was the extra cookie my mother gave me as a kid.. without even knowing my childhood... there were no fucking cookies!  I have simply always been this person who I am now... physically.. but I suddenly start thinking about me and seeing something else... seeing that I may not be THIS person... perhaps.... perhaps my life has been a pre-curser for my real life, the life I start AFTER I am torn to bits.. After I lose so much faith in who I am that I reach to places I have never reached before for the strength to redefine who I am....

I am not really "doing" anything... I didn't just decide that I was going to lose weight... but suddenly there are changes coming over me, both emotionally and physically that are shaking me up like a volcano... I am a little frightened that I will become someone I don't recognize... someone I currently see other people as being, but simply not... well... me.

lately i have made some changes, yes, i have, however... they werent changes i decided to make, they just, well, kind of happened.... curious for sure.  for instance....

i drink water.... quite a bit of it actually... now if you knew me, knew the kind of person i am and the way i feel about drinking plain water, well, this would surprise you as it surprises me... you see... i hate the taste of water... everyone says it doesn't taste like anything... well i KNOW that i am not the only person in the world who can taste it.... it tastes like..... water.  plain, kind of dry tasting, not flavourless exactly, yet devoid of a flavor aside from h2o... water tastes like nothing and something all at the same time... like soda... or pop... carbonated beverages... it is funny they say natural and artificial flavor.. really... does anyone know what a cola tastes like?  no, because cola is the flavor... which is not natural, it is artificial.... but water, it is natural... there is salt water, which tastes like the world cried all in your mouth, or pistachio shells after a pound of them would, i suppose taste (my mouth would dry out so badly...) i digress....suffice it to say, i don't like water... so for me to be drinking it regularly, simply because it is there.... this is new and different, and i am not sure why it has happened, but i don't seem to mind... plus it is good for my body... go fig.

i exercise... not to look good for another person, not even really to look good.... simply because i can... i fill my mind, and do what i can, not setting my sights too high or expecting miracles, simply doing it.  i have been riding bike and walking every day for a week.... for no particular reason except that i am sick of my walls and gas is expensive.

all my plans kind of include sort of healthy things that i simply never did before... didn't think possible... didn't think i needed to... just didn't.

i have been taking a break from the phone, not sitting in front of the computer, not really talking to many people except the neighbors, not really going anywhere, simply reassessing me.

i have been THINKING about trying something diet wise, however, well, discipline is not my strong suit....

but i am not doing it for anyone... not even for me... i am simply adopting a new way of life, if it changes my attitude, my looks, my heart, then all the better, but it isn't about that... but just doing, doing things that normal people do every day, well, it seems to be doing something for me...

i am going to go back to school this year... to get my GED.  i already have the requisites for college, so if i want to go, i can.  but there is simply no reason to put it off any longer.... nothing holding me back... but i will have that paper.  i will have that thing that has alluded me all along.  and it won't cost me to have it, it will benefit me... i think.

i am changing my friends, and my definition of a friend... my level of trust is low, but the people who are currently in my life, well, there are people who are really not so great, either for me, or to me, or in general.  fact is, they are all perfectly fine people, however, the group of friends (some of them, not all) i have are well, dragging me down... pulling me into further confusion.... so i am changing it.... redefining things for myself.

in this time, you see... i have lost a lot... i have lost love, family, friends, self esteem, teetering on the brink of losing my kids over and over... and sometimes... i suppose it is true... sometimes you have to look at where you are and see that you are not where you thought you would be, and it was something inside you that lead you down this wrong path... something you chose... you may not know why, but it is you....  but in losing all these things i have learned a lot as well.... i have learned that people can hurt you... they can hurt you so badly that inside you feel like you are dying with every breath you take.... they can tear you down, build you up and tear you down... if you let them.  i have learned that a 14 year old child can be an adult when someone she loves is falling apart... she can help more than one would  expect even in the midst of all the shit that is dished out while she is in her teens, sometimes, sometimes she can surprise you and give you that minute you need to see that you HAVE to be strong, you DESERVE to be loved and you are a good person... she can show you that you deserve more.  i have learned that sometimes, the love of a dog is as wonderful as the love of a partner.  That a cat that you hate can bring you to tears by simply sitting next to you and offering her warmth.  i have learned that just when i think i can't take anymore, i surprise myself and adapt to another new thing... a thing that i never saw coming... that i can think on my feet.....

i have learned that i can be silent, and that there is value in silence... a kind of learning, and self discovery.  i now know that when i am silent, i can be at peace.  i have learned that i have the power, the tools, the ability to move forward and that i can take baby steps and i don;t have to care what anyone else says.  i have learned that one good friend is worth more than 10 mediocre ones.

one day, hour, minute, one second at a time is all it takes to keep on adapting.