Harley Davidson Roadster

I have to admit... I was scared out of my mind but I didn't want to tell my friend how worried I was.  I mean, it was, afterall, my idea!  when I was a kid, my uncles had motorcycles and we used to get rides on them.  I think the last time I went I was maybe 7 or 8.  After that, my weight came into the picture... Looking back on it now that I have had the first ride in 30 years (MY GOD I'M OLD) and talking to my friend about it, this must have been simply an excuse, not the reality of it.  You see, I have had friends over the years who owned bikes... and I got the same excuse time after time... "you'll break the shocks".... this was a HELL of a thing to carry around with me, knowing how much I weigh, I thought this to be valid.

Well, my friend said that it was BS and so, one August night, I asked if she would take me on her motorcycle... and though we had a few misses (it took a while to come to fuition) i have now had my motorcycle ride and I AM ADDICTED!!!

I was afraid... I thought about it for the 48 hours from the time of her suggestion of Monday right up until she started driving... I think it took perhaps 3 minutes for me to be STUPID happy instead of afraid.... I had so many ideas in my head what it would be like... how the bike would tip and I would fall off, how I would hold on too tight, cutting the blood and oxygen supply from her head, making her pass out, thereby crashing the motorcycle... if THAT didn't occur then I figure for sure I would tip the bike on a corner (there was only ONE corner in all that time that was even slightly scarey in reality... I admit, I kind of had a moment of panic).  I mean, looking at motorcycles, I have always questioned the use of them, after all there are no car doors, windshields, seatbelts, airbags... or, well.... METAL surrounding a person.

the low rumble of the bike was the first thing that I really noticed... yea, ok, for THOSE reasons, but also for the feeling in my back, in my legs and in my feet.  I felt like I was in one of those massage chairs, (only without the weird squeezing thing that the chairs do to your legs) I felt the tension slowly vibrate its way from my shoulders, down my back, the hum was INCREDIBLE!  I felt my muscles relaxing, felt stress and anxiousness take a back seat with the fear.

I WAS ON A MOTORCYCLE!!!  I had a permanent grin on my face and wanted the ride to go on forever.  I cannot believe I waited all this time to venture to ask a mature person to take me on their bike!!  I wore sunglasses (i know now that there IS a reason for this... hello bug in your eye!!!) but I know that everyone around me saw the pure joy, the bliss the happiness on my face, I couldn't have shown it any more obviously had I had balloons and fanfare!  I'm honestly surprised I didn't get bugs in my teeth!

The way that she maneuvered the bike was so smooth, even on the corners, everything was just a slight move.  I admit, the clicking sound as the bike geared down at the lights had me starting to worry that it was because of my weight but I put that away and just let it be, after all, were it BECAUSE of my chunky ass, my friend would have jumped on the "you'll break the shocks" bandwagon, this is, after all a HARLEY DAVIDSON... the most coveted of bikes... nothing shows stature like a HD.  whenever we approached a light I was disappointed yet super excited... i looked around at everyone, so happy was i to be on the bike!  I saw some people on buses or in their cars that didn't see the awesomeness that was riding a motorcycle, but my goodness, they OBVIOUSLY had never been on one!  I think I may have caught my own look of "show off" on other people's faces... but never again will that look be directed at motorcycles... who can blame a person for loving the vibration, the sound, the feeling of the wind in your face, the bugs in your teeth (hehe) the feeling of the air slightly penetrating through the light weight jacket I wore.  Who wouldn't want to have that feeling of freedom, of nothing in the world worrying you, feeling the troubles on your mind, the stresses in your body slowly ebbing off to be left behind on the roads you travel.

I must admit, I do understand why women like to passenger on a Harley... honestly, with that much vibration I couldn't POSSIBLY drive one, I would be uh.... busy.  Long stretches I must admit are simply FABULOUS!!!

The ride ended far too soon, I think I may have had more fun on that ride than I can honestly say I got out of just about anything I have done over the past 10 years....

I can't wait to go again :)

This is.... different

I find myself at a different place in my life right now... somewhere I have never been before.... i feel almost like i don't know who I am anymore, but on the opposite side, I feel for the first time in my life I am getting to know me, and just actually take the time to get to a place where I like me.  This makes me question if I liked me before now...

Did it truly take a relationship that was so.... so fraught with so much for me to stop to get to know me??  What was going on for me that I didn't actually take that time?  I have always just flitted through life....

From my posts,, from my memory, one can see that my childhood was fucked up.. I got fat when I was 8 years old... it just kind of .... well... happened.  I was thin in pictures, well, maybe not thin per say but not fat, I was maybe slightly larger than the others.... but something happened... nobody knows what, I can't tell you, I was suddenly fat...They tell you when you want to lose weight that you should picture yourself thin... I was a kid...do YOU recall what you looked like at 7 years old?  Me neither... It just happened.  I have seen some doctors who literally told me, without a test, without a question, within 5 minutes of meeting me, tell me that it was just the extra cookie I have every day... but when I say I have been fat forever, they say it was the extra cookie my mother gave me as a kid.. without even knowing my childhood... there were no fucking cookies!  I have simply always been this person who I am now... physically.. but I suddenly start thinking about me and seeing something else... seeing that I may not be THIS person... perhaps.... perhaps my life has been a pre-curser for my real life, the life I start AFTER I am torn to bits.. After I lose so much faith in who I am that I reach to places I have never reached before for the strength to redefine who I am....

I am not really "doing" anything... I didn't just decide that I was going to lose weight... but suddenly there are changes coming over me, both emotionally and physically that are shaking me up like a volcano... I am a little frightened that I will become someone I don't recognize... someone I currently see other people as being, but simply not... well... me.

lately i have made some changes, yes, i have, however... they werent changes i decided to make, they just, well, kind of happened.... curious for sure.  for instance....

i drink water.... quite a bit of it actually... now if you knew me, knew the kind of person i am and the way i feel about drinking plain water, well, this would surprise you as it surprises me... you see... i hate the taste of water... everyone says it doesn't taste like anything... well i KNOW that i am not the only person in the world who can taste it.... it tastes like..... water.  plain, kind of dry tasting, not flavourless exactly, yet devoid of a flavor aside from h2o... water tastes like nothing and something all at the same time... like soda... or pop... carbonated beverages... it is funny they say natural and artificial flavor.. really... does anyone know what a cola tastes like?  no, because cola is the flavor... which is not natural, it is artificial.... but water, it is natural... there is salt water, which tastes like the world cried all in your mouth, or pistachio shells after a pound of them would, i suppose taste (my mouth would dry out so badly...) i digress....suffice it to say, i don't like water... so for me to be drinking it regularly, simply because it is there.... this is new and different, and i am not sure why it has happened, but i don't seem to mind... plus it is good for my body... go fig.

i exercise... not to look good for another person, not even really to look good.... simply because i can... i fill my mind, and do what i can, not setting my sights too high or expecting miracles, simply doing it.  i have been riding bike and walking every day for a week.... for no particular reason except that i am sick of my walls and gas is expensive.

all my plans kind of include sort of healthy things that i simply never did before... didn't think possible... didn't think i needed to... just didn't.

i have been taking a break from the phone, not sitting in front of the computer, not really talking to many people except the neighbors, not really going anywhere, simply reassessing me.

i have been THINKING about trying something diet wise, however, well, discipline is not my strong suit....

but i am not doing it for anyone... not even for me... i am simply adopting a new way of life, if it changes my attitude, my looks, my heart, then all the better, but it isn't about that... but just doing, doing things that normal people do every day, well, it seems to be doing something for me...

i am going to go back to school this year... to get my GED.  i already have the requisites for college, so if i want to go, i can.  but there is simply no reason to put it off any longer.... nothing holding me back... but i will have that paper.  i will have that thing that has alluded me all along.  and it won't cost me to have it, it will benefit me... i think.

i am changing my friends, and my definition of a friend... my level of trust is low, but the people who are currently in my life, well, there are people who are really not so great, either for me, or to me, or in general.  fact is, they are all perfectly fine people, however, the group of friends (some of them, not all) i have are well, dragging me down... pulling me into further confusion.... so i am changing it.... redefining things for myself.

in this time, you see... i have lost a lot... i have lost love, family, friends, self esteem, teetering on the brink of losing my kids over and over... and sometimes... i suppose it is true... sometimes you have to look at where you are and see that you are not where you thought you would be, and it was something inside you that lead you down this wrong path... something you chose... you may not know why, but it is you....  but in losing all these things i have learned a lot as well.... i have learned that people can hurt you... they can hurt you so badly that inside you feel like you are dying with every breath you take.... they can tear you down, build you up and tear you down... if you let them.  i have learned that a 14 year old child can be an adult when someone she loves is falling apart... she can help more than one would  expect even in the midst of all the shit that is dished out while she is in her teens, sometimes, sometimes she can surprise you and give you that minute you need to see that you HAVE to be strong, you DESERVE to be loved and you are a good person... she can show you that you deserve more.  i have learned that sometimes, the love of a dog is as wonderful as the love of a partner.  That a cat that you hate can bring you to tears by simply sitting next to you and offering her warmth.  i have learned that just when i think i can't take anymore, i surprise myself and adapt to another new thing... a thing that i never saw coming... that i can think on my feet.....

i have learned that i can be silent, and that there is value in silence... a kind of learning, and self discovery.  i now know that when i am silent, i can be at peace.  i have learned that i have the power, the tools, the ability to move forward and that i can take baby steps and i don;t have to care what anyone else says.  i have learned that one good friend is worth more than 10 mediocre ones.

one day, hour, minute, one second at a time is all it takes to keep on adapting.