Off to a slow start

Well, it's already in week 2 of the new year and I am already not meeting my own expectations…. I wouldn't say necessarily that I am disappointing myself or not doing the right things, I just haven't done anything, and I expected me to put a little more effort into me…. And then I think… well, maybe not…
I have ALMOST cleaned my room. I don't know, I am not intending to show anyone anytime soon so I have put that to the side as well, not finishing it though it is a damn sight better than it was last week. I want to redecorate the room, but I don't know what to do to change it further… I opt not to paint though another color may bring me more joy. I am restless yet lazy…. I am lacking the motivation to do much to make many changes, preferring for a moment, I believe to calmly sit down and watch that which is going on around me. I am watching as the world falls into place.
I asked a general question about what one would change if they could change just one thing about themselves… and for me it was to change my boundaries.. or my ability to make them or not to keep them… depends on how you look at it. I am not great with setting boundaries, and once I do set some (if they are healthy) I struggle to stick with them. So that is the thing that I would change. I have done well with setting up some "deprivation" goals for the year…..I have given up carbonated beverages for a year. That one is proving to be somewhat difficult, but also slightly easier than I thought it would be…. It started out with just pop in general… like regular pop… but then I decided specifically, that it would be ALL pop as I drink diet pop…. So now I am checking the validity of getting rid of all aspartame (I love sugar free drinks)..
But upon thinking about it, I realized that I have to be willing and looking forward to improving my own lot in life in different ways as well…. So I have decided to improve something more emotional/personality wise that I feel that is not what I want it to be…. Trying to figure out exactly which part of my personality I really felt needed improvement (well, we can all use improvement, but I wanted to be objective) so I weighed them all out… I discovered something not too pleasing…. I mean, aside from having a VERY long list of things that I don't particularly like about myself… which of course I whittled down to a significant 5, after further reduction, I brought it down to three specific things that I feel need improvement.
1) I feel guilty far too often…. I mean, sometimes there are reasons… like when I didn't realize and I left the burner on and the popcorn burnt… not cool… but not something to cry over… (not literally crying)… I feel terrible when I do things… which sometimes it makes sense… but other times… feeling guilty because I can't spoil my already spoiled, not usually grateful kids… I could do without that guilt trip… honestly saying something when asked that is the truth even though it isn't what you want to hear… I shouldn't feel guilty… I'm not cruel and I am careful of feelings, so feeling guilty serves no purpose… all it really does is make me feel worse about myself and want to beat myself up as much as strangers… why bother… I'm a good person.
2) I lack confidence in myself. For various reasons in various venues… for instance.. I enjoy writing, you enjoy reading my writing, I have had people tell me I should publish my writing, however I lack that confidence.. and it seems too overwhelming… so I convince myself that I can't do whatever it is that I want to do and that isn't fair to me… I deserve to have a cheer leader, and I should be that cheerleader.. that's MY job, not someone else's.
3) I drop the ball… I start something, like my room, and I don't finish it… I would like to do so. To keep my interest in that something long enough to get really good at whatever my interest is. I am interested in many things, but nothing really JUMPS out at me except dancing…. I have stepped away from dancing, yet quit smoking, so therefore, I should have the money and the lung capabilities to dance more so I should, it stands to reason… go back as it is something I enjoy so much. I want staying power I suppose. This blog is about this one… I don't want to drop the ball on this one… yet for the first time since I started regularly blogging, I skipped writing… I had nothing to say.
I have thought about these things and how to achieve them and yet I am stuck at a place where yet again, I am feeling a little unimpressed with myself. So as of today, the 10^th of January 2013, I want to move forward with each day and improve the 3 areas I have listed… to make this year my most successful yet.
I'm looking forward to this year and the journey it will entail and who come along for the ride…. Tomorrow is a new day…