hey.... are you gonna eat that?

So I have started several different blogs tonight, some for Christmas, one for love, one on laughter… and then I took a look at a post of a picture I put on Facebook showing two women who, for all intents and purposes, portray the stereotypical lesbian couple of one feminine woman and one who was more masculine….

A few people commented on the picture but I noted something about it…. The first comment noted how hot one of the women was, but how thin she might be.  Now, don’t get me wrong, this is nothing against noting that, but when it was pointed out that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, the next comment sarcastically cited “anorexia” as beautiful…. I was truly taken aback….

I recently went outside of my “type” in the community, setting aside physical attributes and concentrating first on who a person was and no longer taking anyone automatically out of things based on my “preference” of bigger women who wore glasses, had short dark hair and were more masculine…. I decided to just meet women and see if we hit it off based on who we were.  On this journey I have met some great women and I had the pleasure of getting to know a woman who in the past would have been on the “no” pile because she was substantially smaller than I.  Though I felt big and clunky with her, and even a bit shy, I realized those were MY issues, not hers.

You see, my older sister is also substantially smaller than I.  The family joke is that she has my metabolism as well as her own as she struggles to keep weight on and I struggle to keep from creeping any higher….  But this isn’t about me and my size currently.  This is particularly about thinner women… Now don’t get me wrong, no offense to all the thin women, I don’t want to pump ya’ll up higher than you get to be put by society but I do want to recognize that though society states that thin is in and obesity is the epidemic, thin women kind of get a bad rap.  Some of ya’ll deserve it with your “I’m far more desirable because I am thin” attitudes, however I know enough of you to know that a lot of those attitude really hide something deep and dark. 

Thin women seldom like their own body… WHAT?!?!?!?  It’s true… and here I am and was, sitting on the side thinking how great it must be to be thin for most of my life… but the truth is… a lot of them don’t like their bodies either….. Whether it be extra skin, or freckles, stretch marks or scars, loose skin from weight loss or strangely shaped moles that  had to be removed…. Nobody seems to like their body.

Now, I was raised by my mid to large size mother with my extra large sister and my EXTRA EXTRA small sister and my small brother.  My extra large sister developed an eating disorder at 16… she became my extra small sister, but being thin didn’t make her happier, she still killed herself… even though she was thin….. it didn’t bring her happiness… but I digress.  My XXS sister has always been approximately HALF of me… thankfully not in height (I’m not that tall, though that would have made her an EXTRA FAT short person... anyway, she has been half my weight pretty much since I was about 17 or 18…. My brother is also in the “0.5% body fat” group… lucky me… OBESITY!!!... again… digressing….

But, because I am a thin woman living inside a fat woman, I do like to live vicariously through my thin sister… except, while doing so, I have noticed something…. People… women especially… are just as mean and nasty to really THIN women as they are to women like myself who are fat….. so the saying that you can never be too rich or too thin is not true… because being too thin puts you in the undesirable department along with the big girls, women with massive facial hair, different size boobs, extra long labia, buck tooth, knock kneed, etc, etc, etc....

But I have noticed something else…. I have noticed that if a woman is fat (like your’s truly….) they are undesirable because of that fact… and finding someone who loves you for YOU is hard… someone who doesn’t tell you that they like you for your personality but that they find YOU hot and sexy in all your chunkiness…. Damn near impossible… add to that walking down the street to rude comments… ugh… the list goes on and we could talk about it for days… but I have also noticed that if a woman is thin (like my itty bitty sister)… she is undesirable because of that fact…. And we ALL encourage people to judge that…. 

Not ALL super thin women are anorexic or bulimic.  Not ALL women who wear a size 00 starve themselves… and not ALL women who are small did ANYTHING at all to get that way…. It’s simply the way that their bodies are made.  Some of the biggest eaters I know are thin…. And some of the smallest eaters I know are heavy….. and if you think about it, I bet you can honestly say the same thing…. Do you really think all of your thin, healthy appetite friends are throwing up?  No, because if they look “healthy” you don’t think anything of it…. If they are naturally within the proper weight/height ratio….

Those women were thin… yes they were… they were not MY type… but they were beautiful women… I didn’t like the clothes they were wearing, they looked dropped on the women’s bodies… but it wasn’t’ about their bodies, it was about how poorly the clothing fit…

 

I don’t know what it is…. But people come in EXTREME sizes now a days…. Super, super thin, and mondo, amazingly big… and they are beautiful because they are people…. But we need to stop lookin at a person’s size as though that depicts who a person is or if they are or aren’t healthy. 

Why not go out today and meet someone who fits into your stereotypical “no go” group and ask them out on a date… go for coffee and get to know them… who cares how big they are or aren’t… get to know someone new just because…. Base it on who they are not the size of their pants… and give people a break….. 

You probably won't believe this.....

I have to admit something to you…. I have lied to you, I have lied to everyone for years…. I have told everyone how much confidence I have, joked and laughed with all of you, made you smile and brought tears to your eyes…. But…here it is….

I do NOT have a great self esteem.  I am NOT actually that confident.  In most situations, I really have to force myself to step up to the plate…. To take that first step in the door at the bar I am so bravely arriving at by myself.  I have to tell myself over and over again that a girl isn’t going to think I am nuts if I ask her for coffee.  I look at myself in the mirror repeatedly, wondering how that pimple got there….

I don’t like to be nekkid in front of people… I don’t want to take my clothes off for sex.  Don’t get me wrong, I can WANDER AROUND the house nekkid, I can USUALLY even dance nekkid, I love a good strip tease… but I would rather that people (someone intimate of course) didn’t look…

I know that in person I will talk all about how you have to love yourself and that you need to know that you are loved and all the rest, however, I am not so unrealistic that I don’t realize that when it all comes down to it, what people say to and about you really does change how you look at yourself.  Case in point, my daughter.  She is BEAUTIFUL… I WISH I looked like her.  She has (in my opinion) the perfect shape, she is just the right tall, she has beautiful skin and gorgeous blue eyes.  She’s blonde (as a black woman, THIS IS MY ENVY) and has curls that are sweet (though she straightens them).  She is a bigger girl, however, she looks in proportion to her size, she is what used to be regarded, I suppose as “husky” or “big boned”.  I think she is amazingly beautiful, graceful and when she grows up, some guy is going to fall all over himself for her…. she won’t believe him because what other people say to and about her shapes how she feels about herself.

We tell people that no one can tell them how they can and can’t feel, tell them not to worry about what other people say but then we are hurt by exactly that.  There were studies done on youth stating that raising a child with positive reinforcement is better for their self esteem.  Yet for every negative thing said/told/pointed out about a person, 20 positive things were needed to counteract that.  But we tell people not to be hurt by it?  We tell people who feel uncomfortable with eating in public that they are free to do so but don’t’ consider how it feels when some asshole teenager (or adult really) comes up and tells them to stop eating or calls them a pig under their breath or makes thumping noises when they walk by.  Who wouldn’t that hurt?  I mean, take the most popular kid in school, everyone likes them, they have a great home life (ok, hypothetically speaking here people) and every day for a month point out something negative about them, and get 3 of your friends to do the same every OTHER day.  At the end of the month there will have been 75 negative statements about one thing about that super confident person; now ask how they feel.  See if they now look in the mirror and see JUST that thing that is wrong or not…. This is how the negativity feeds your fear and destroys your self esteem.

I am currently nervous, for various reasons, however, I know having quit smoking I have gained some weight… as a matter of fact, someone who was once close to me pointed that fact out, just in case I hadn’t noticed (well, fuck you very much too)…. But I digress… she pointed out that I gained weight… I have been big forever…. I am used to being overweight, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t CARE about it… I have just accepted it.  Every day since she pointed out my weight gain I look in the mirror to see if I have gained more girth to my already large body….  The thought of being nekkid bothers me… the thought of someone SEEING me up close and personal gives me palpitations… because I have a low self esteem when it comes to body image.  I know that my body is not everyone’s cup of tea… I know that gravity has done a phenomenal job of putting things SLIGHTLY below (and off to the left) of where they should be… my body claps if I run down the stairs too quickly, my thighs get sweaty and rub together ruining the inner thigh of my clothing… I get that… but how does that fare for making love?  How does that work when you are taking your clothes off with someone new?  What made me self conscious?  Me, who can stand on a stage and make you all laugh, who can write a blog that makes people think for hours sometimes, and makes them look at me in a different light.   Why do I have a low self esteem?

When in relationships I seem to run into a number of problems… the biggest of which is “lesbian bed death” which if you are a lesbian… you know about… and if you aren’t… it’s pretty straight forward from the title exactly what it is… but just in case you DON’T know… this is where two women who are in a loving committed lesbian relationship, usually living together (from my estimation at least) who no longer have sexual intimacy on a regular basis.  By regular basis I mean perhaps weekly… or even bi-weekly is pushing it.  Usually someone cries, or fights and the other “gives in” because they are fed up (or don’t… it happens) Now… one would think… then perhaps go back to hetero-sexuality… only… once we get past the penis part of it *shudder*….. I had the same problem THERE TOO. 

That’s right… when I was “straight” I had lesbian bed death with my ex BOYFRIENDS too… but again…. I digress… This blog is, of course about self esteem and how someone else’s words can sit beneath the surface and affect you negatively forever… or for a very long time at least….  When your partner isn’t your biggest supporter, your “cheerleader” as it were, it is easy to allow the negative things that they say shape the way you feel about yourself…. When your partner in a well meaning way tells you that your shirt “clings weird” to your stomach or “bright colors make you look bigger” rather than boosting you up, it is easy to allow their words to shape how you feel.

I readily admit that I am not the most confident person in the world… who is really?  I’m just as scared and self conscious as my daughter about how I look, and what a girl will think of me.  I am scared to take my clothes off in front of her, I wish I didn’t have this pimple on my chin.  I am worried that my chin hair is going to be a deal breaker… because my self esteem is damaged…. 

But you know what isn’t damaged?  My belief that even if I am too fat, or smell bad, or missing teeth… that I can’t keep house and am disorganized… that even if I don’t make a lot of sense and forget what I am saying often, if I forget to buy groceries because I was watching a movie.  My belief that who I am, imperfections and all DESERVES love and to be treated well.  My belief that if I were MY FRIEND… I would tell me that I am pretty awesome and there are things that I have to offer and anyone who can’t see that, isn’t worth the spit in the sand.  My belief that no one is perfect and everyone can find something wrong with themselves… that we all have our “things” that we don’t like about ourselves… is one that has determined that though what others have said has made me self conscious in the face of nudity (or potential nudity) that I worry that I talk too much or that my varicose veins look nasty… I still have an awful lot of awesome to offer to a person who accepts who I am and wants to know me as a person.

So bring it on… while I stamp down the self esteem assholes that pop up and make me want to run, lay it thick while I run around flipping shitty thoughts the bird, because Wanda deserves the world!

On weight

The Surgeon General has declared war on me. I am an obese person and the Surgeon General and all his cohorts have decided that my body and Osama Bin Laden, weapons of mass destruction, terrorists and genocidal maniacs are all on the same plain of existence. My weight threatens the world. The United States of America is so afraid of me that my weight, and I ranked above the possibility of the extinction of a species of animals. What has brought the world to this? Read the newspapers at any given time there is a study going on somewhere in America showing that my weight can cause anything from heart attacks and strokes to breast cancer and diabetes, there was even an article about having overweight friends leading to weight problems. I want to declare war on the media, on fast food, on people who have the audacity to declare war on me because of the size of my underwear! I will go on the news, petition the government, hold rallies, write to the paper. I will go to the schools and show the children in kindergarten how unnecessary it is to have the media. I will picket fast food restaurants, throw tomatoes at insensitive people.

I wake up in the morning just like you, I can walk down the street, count my fingers and my toes, have friends, I can even pass gas and it doesn't threaten anyone's existence and it certainly shouldn't be on the top 10 most wanted list. If Osama Bin Laden hadn't have bombed the twin towers President Bush would have gone on National Television and explained the necessity of hunting down obese persons and ending their control on the US. The war has taken many forms from behind the door sneers to outward comments discouraging me from being proud of who I am. Fat discrimination is the most widely accepted form of discrimination there is. The Fat Acceptance movement has taken hold bringing to the attention of those looking for it, the fact that 60% of North Americans are considered to be at an unhealthy weight, but lets take a look at that. What makes the general populous fall into a catagory that is generally accepted as dangerous to the rest of the world? In the past were all the people in the world thin or at a desirable weight? When did the BMI come into effect and when did it begin to dictate to the world's population that more than half of the worlds' inhabitants were on a slow road to Hell?

Fat Acceptance is a large movement, if you'll excuse the pun, holding seminars and gatherings throughout the United States and Canada where some of the largest people live. At the gatherings the BBW or Big Beautiful Women and BHM or Big Handsome Men and their admirers gather together in a week long fat extravaganza taking over hotels and restaurants, buses and taxis, airports and vehicles. Obese people from all over North America get together and celebrate their existence one or more times per year to bask in their acceptance. The message of the Fat Acceptance movement? Exactly what the name indicates, we are fat, we accept it and so should you.

The pockets of the medical profession are bulging with Fat money, the media has gone “hog wild” over the half tonne teen, mom and man, the Biggest Loser is one of the most popular shows on television. Once a week the general population sits down in front of their TVs eating their munchies, and gasp at how big so and so is, how much weight so and so lost and whispers of “How can they let themselves get so big?” can be heard behind closed doors. Big people watch with apprehension or anticipation wondering why if Ally can do it they can't, hoping inside that the biggest loser is still fat at the end or shaking their heads knowing that those people's weight loss may happen quickly but it is after the show that counts, not while they are “on the ranch”. The 80's and 90's were cruel to Fat kids, parents sending their kids to the Fat Camps where they survived on too few calories and all the fun was taken out of sports, counselors helped the kids to see how unhealthy fast food was by showing them pictures of morbidly obese people who couldn't get out of bed and hammering it into their heads that that is where fast food was taking them. Eating disorders replaced baby fat and will power became a power that kids couldn't control and didn't want to because after all, they were finally “normal”. When did starving to death, always being hungry and worrying about every single thought you have about food become the new “normal”?

The media's pockets bulge along side the pockets of the medical professions, sponsorships from McDonald's and Burger King, Jared and Subway, always food commercials all day long. McDonald's spent over 5 million dollars to air a 30 second commercial during Superbowl Sunday. Two women in New York tried to sue McDonald's for “making them fat” and everyone laughed it away. Think for a minute about the last time that you watched tv, did you see food commercials? I sat and counted once for an hour, how many food commercials were aired during the time of whatever particular show I was watching. In an average of 20 minutes of commercials there were approximately 62 commercials, of those 62 commercials 45 of them were for food. The girls should have sued the media producers, they had it all wrong.

Someone must be held accountable for the hatred and disgust displayed towards heavy people. If you sit in the park and feed the pigeons you can see the similarity with humans, looking at those pigeons you will see all different color pigeons, some will be grey and white, some grey and blue, others still white. Some of those pigeons will have pink eyes and some will have black and some of those pigeons will be bigger than the others, some will be so small they look like babies and some will be halfway between or “average” size. Do you honestly think that the bigger pigeons got that way because they ate 10 times as much as the average and 20 times as much as the small pigeons? People and pigeons, cats, dogs, cattle, trees, we are all on the same plain, some of us are one way and some of us are other ways, that's just the way it is. With every living thing no two things are identicle, there has to be something to differentiate it all. Even the planets are different sizes, not because those planets enveloped too many stars, not because they ATE anything, they just are different sizes. There doesn't need to be Fat Acceptance, just a ban on Fat discrimination.