Clique????

I was recently taking part in a conversation about the cliques in the Lesbian community…. Now, I believe that FEAR has a lot to do with it…. Not so much cliques, but deep down fear…. This, of course can be found in the heterosexual community as well.  The difference of course, in my opinion, is that in the hetero community, as a woman, the majority of us are making friends with OTHER women, which is not so daunting in that community because in that case, your FRIENDS are not a combo of a dating pool.  I saw that someone had also said that some women see going for coffee = a date…. I really have been thinking about this since then…

I think it is awful to judge people and call fear anything other than it is.  It IS real and is disrespectful not to respect that people have it.  I have been in the community for years and I have seen some pretty awful things, with dating in a small community, everyone knows everyone who knows someone who dated that one... by the time you are "in" the community you have a virtual background on EVERYONE you meet.  Say you and your partner break up and she goes around badmouthing you in the community, and say she is more "in" than you are, then you have this group of 30 (or more or less) women who know INTIMATE details about you, about how you feel.... let's be honest, we can all have the non-flattering opinions and thoughts about our ex's.... so then once we have that opinion....we have a pre-judgment of that person... Or when a couple breaks up suddenly there is this HUGE divide, your friends are yours and mine are mine, and ours pick sides, or my friends decide to be your friends and your friends decide not to be anyone’s friends and our friends decide we are both assholes so they ditch us too….

Now we have a choice, we can ignore what others say, and just risk it all by getting to know someone new, but BELIEVE ME, sometimes you ignore what you are told and you REALLY, REALLY should have listened, and by the time  you figure it out, it really is too late.... Or you can judge according to what you hear.  I mean, think about it… I GUARANTEE that there are some seriously shitty opinions of me in the community, not by everyone; I am sure, but enough people that I ABSOLUTELY balk at meeting someone new.  I tend to stick with people I know, whose motives for knowing me are known rather than reaching out to meet someone new.  Even now, when someone sends me a friend request, my FIRST thought is WHY?

It is a scary community with the cliques for sure, and venturing out into said community is a daunting task at best.  But how can it NOT be?

I have been guilty of making a “date” and having me believe it is a date, but having them believe it isn’t, because my friend pool and my dating pool are one in the same…. I have also been guilty of going on a “date” that I thought was simply coffee and spending my time talking about useless nonsense and ruining any chance of dating said woman… I have talked about my ex with my friends who are no longer friends, thereby my thoughts of my ex are now fodder for other people to talk about.  I meet someone new and find out that they are associated with my ex (when it is a bad break up, THIS can be an issue) so things trail off right away because I like my privacy.  Or I meet someone new and they start telling me they heard about this girl (don’t have a name) and then proceed to describe my last relationship, which means, somebody, somewhere is talking about me…  Or I meet someone and then I try to mesh them with other people I am friends with and they don’t get along.. Or I throw a party and go through the invitation list and see that some of my friends don’t know each other, then I have to try to figure out if those friends that don’t know each other will think that their counter parts DO know someone… Or I will invite a group of people who are MY friends and then half won’t show up because they DO know each other and don’t like each other….

I’m not so comfortable with picking and choosing people who I can and can’t hang out with based on their friendships, but then again, I’m the kind of person who thinks “the more the merrier” so tend to have a friend base with at least a few things in common between them all… Call it a clique; I simply call it planning well…. Fact is… my friends (not very many people I consider my FRIENDS) know that I like to socialize in bigger groups (easier to determine if it is a date if there are 3 or more people… WAYS easier than asking) and that way lots of people can entertain each other… but planning these things proves difficult as well.

So I speak for myself, and myself alone when I say that I am not part of a clique, or a judgmental group of friends, but I feel safe in my little group and someone has to really prove themselves when they want to join said group… I don’t want to get burned; I don’t want my life/friends/interests all over the community…. I am deathly afraid of MANY aspects of the community, but it certainly isn’t a clique… to look at it as such gives it such a childish air… and I am no child.  Fact of the matter is, when you are a teenager, there are cliques for sure, people who discern others based on ridiculous little factors (sports/pretty/cheerleaders/geeks/band/nerds/nobodies/Goths/etc) but once we start to grow up, to mature and to REALLY get to know people, I think it is more than a clique, deeper.  These are adults, who have, I can ALMOST guarantee, been burned a time or two, and are leery of letting others close… and REALLY…. can you blame us?

That said…. this is simply my thoughts on it….