Behind the mask

Today is a shit day....  I have wrestled with myself all day long on what to do about it.... whether to tell anyone, how to deal with it on my own and you know what... at the end of the day... I don't care.

I try to keep it all to myself.... I wake up in the morning and I take my pills like a good girl and remind myself that today will be a good day and know deep down that if it isn't a good day... well.... too damn bad.... Nobody's problem but my own.... And then I yell at my kid to get out of bed, yell some more, TRY to drink a cup of coffee, yell some more... hope that I have time to take the dog out... or see if I have treats so I can take her to work, yell some more, shower... if I am lucky.... yell SOME MORE... message my friend that the wanda bus is leaving, go out the door, bang on the kid's window, yell for him to get up ONE MORE TIME, get in the car... sometimes with the dog... and sometimes without... and go.. probably running behind... to work.

Now, I have honestly tried to not talk about it anymore.  Not to complain, to comment, to bring it to anyone's attention because at the end of the day, it's nobody's problem but mine.  You can turn off your monitor, mute my voice, unfriend me, or simply not read my stuff.  You can hang up the phone, walk away, make an excuse, let your battery die and let me deal with the life that I live.

But I have to be honest right this minute... I am sick to death of keeping it to myself.  I am tired of pretending I am ok when I am not so that other people don't have to really care.... Because if others had to REALLY care, had to hear it, had to live my life, they wouldn't want to either... I mean... who would?  I know it sucks to hear that I feel terrible, that I sat at work this morning and cried until I had no tears left.  I know that it makes people uncomfortable to feel as though I can't trust friendship... I can TOTALLY understand the apprehension that comes along with being my friend.... but for once... just for this second... I simply don't have it in me to care how it will affect someone else to know how shitty it is behind the mask that I put on for other people's benefit.

Now... dont' get me wrong... don't get all up in arms about my statement... It is no one and everyone in particular, nothing said, nothing noted... it isn't as if someone actually said "i don't want to hear about your life"... well, no...that's not true... people HAVE actually said it, but that didn't trigger it today...... but I know... I know how much drama comes along with knowing me....

I want to believe that being in my life is worth the drama... the days where I cry for no reason, the yelling at my kid, the dismay that I can't quite hide behind a mask of not caring when once again the ONE THING I asked to be left alone was taken by someone OTHER THAN my kids.... the distrust I am slow to push aside after finding out that some mystery person broke into my house while I was at work and watched adult movies... because no one IN my house would do it....  I want to believe that listening to me yell at my 17 yr old for 45 minutes doesn't make OTHER PEOPLE upset too.  I want to trust that when something really is wrong that I know I can turn to someone.... but the fact is... I can't.  I turn to this...to a blog... not that there are not people I know who read it... but to anonymity because sometimes the positive thoughts of people who aren't there, who don't believe they have me figured out... is what I need to go home after work, have my dinner, go to bed and wake up and do it all again.

Today is a hard day and I am sure that by tomorrow I will have put it all where it goes and put it away again so that i can stamp it down to where it can stay either out of mind or at the very least, in a place where I need to pay very little attention to it.  But for today... today it's all there, it's all at the top of my mind, taking over everything, and I am struggling to compartmentalize what needs to be so that I can focus on what needs focusing.  I get that God doesn't give you more than you can handle... well, I'm thinking God has lost his damn mind (blasphemy I know) because I CAN'T handle this and I wish he would pay attention....

sigh.... tomorrow's a new day... I just have to make it through today.

Am I THAT friend??

Ok... so lately I have had lots on my mind, which, if you are following my blog, I am sure you have figured out...  Today's post is about something that is pretty much always on my mind.

I have been really looking at my friends, and my interpretation of the term "friend" and what that means to me as opposed to what it means to others.... We all have different ideas of friendship and what that entails, however this is about me and what kind of person I am and my beliefs around that. 

We've all heard about the dreaded "all about me" friend... you know, that person whom you can spend time with, hang out with, talk to on the phone/internet in person but you KNOW deep down inside they don’t' actually give a damn about what you are saying.... in reality, all they are interested in is having you listen to what they are saying about their own lives... You can visibly see the interest fade from their eyes, the glazing effect so obvious that half way through your important/heart breaking story, your happy, proud moment trailing off as you realize you are wasting your time because whatever you are speaking of has NOTHING to do with the "all about me" friend...

Then there's the "pity me" friend, who actually differs from the "all about me" friend who in reality only notices who they are themselves... the "pity me" friend will complain about EVERYTHING... even things that really aren't a big deal...  If you point out that actually, that isn't a big deal and really not something to be feeling sorry for yourself about, then you are not sympathetic and are usually met with the "I don't know why I even talk to you about it" statement.  When you base your friendship on honesty, you can't win with this friend unless you lie... and that doesn't really sit well does it?

There's the "I know" friend who knows EVERYTHING, all that you are experiencing, all that is going on in your life... this friend (I have been this friend) is annoying to a whole different level, because sometimes you don't want to hear about how so and so figured out that your kid is doing drugs before u did, this points out, inside somewhere a failure on your part... or triggers one at the very least.  The "I know" friend is often referred to as the "know it all" friend. Somehow this friend can link your cat's urinary tract infection to some article that they read that applied to every animal they ever had so there is something wrong with YOU for not listening to their "educated" opinion.  It doesn't even have to matter that the only thing in common in this situation is that you both have a cat... this friend knows it all...

There's the "center of attention" friend... not to be mistaken for either the "pity me" or the "all about me" friends because the center of attention friend makes EVERYONE pay attention to them all the time, sometimes going so far as to stop what everyone is doing so that all attention is glued to them... they may even tell you how much you love them, how funny they are, how cute, how well rounded... (DEFINITELY HAVE BEEN THIS FRIEND)... the "center of attention" friend doesn't really pay attention to you, but grabs on to certain things you say, interrupts you while you are speaking to point out something vaguely in common to start their own tangent.  This friend looks for situations where most people's attention is on one thing; they somehow take that one thing out of the picture, and then make it all about being the center of attention.

There's the "non-committal" friend... DEFINITELY been this friend... they don't' commit to anything.  Sometimes there are valid reasons (finances, conflicting date) but sometimes they just don't' want to spend time with you but don't know how to tell you... perhaps they only "tolerate" you and committing to spending time with you in an environment not of their choosing (because perhaps you are the all about me friend) is not something they are prepared to do.

There's also the "can you do me a favor" friend... it seems as though you are only in their life for what you can do FOR them?!?!  If you ask them for a favor it is a free for all because you asked... because "remember that time you needed x and y... good thing I was there"  The "can you do me a favor" friend is pretty crafty in calling in said favors... by the time they call it in you have been lulled into thinking that they did you that favor out of the "goodness of their heart" but you notice that they only call on you when you are needed and that you have to work 3 times as hard to make up for that favor they once granted you because their back is bad and they STILL helped you out that time....

There's the "one who you aren’t' even sure why you are friends" friend... perhaps it is just because you don't know how to remove them from your life without making a huge big deal about it... You made the mistake of considering too many people friends and by the time you are ready to grow up and remove people whom you don't really like from your life, suddenly they decide you are the best friend they ever had... are so hurt that they cry and talk shit about you in the community because you were selfish...meanwhile, you have discovered that you eat only meat, they are vegan, you believe in gender roles, they don't; you smoke pot, they don't; they are heavy drinkers, that's not your scene.... and yet you keep them in your life because so many people you both know that you are friends so stopping having them in your life means that you keep a "friend" on FB because social media NOTIFIES people when you want to remove them.... WTF...

The "indifferent" friend just simply doesn't give a shit... they can be the same person as the friend you aren't sure why you are friends with  friend... because really... they don't care one way or the other.  Most times, the indifferent friend can be found agreeing with your FRENEMY on what a shitty person YOU are... but only behind your back because NONE of these people actually care one way or the other.... to your face the "indifferent" friend doesn't actually stand up for anything, they go with the flow and don't really deeply care about how things are going other than surface deep...Most indifferent friends don't know that they are indifferent.... they simply don't care....

"Frenemies" are friends to your face and enemies behind your back.... they are the friend who will talk shit about you to anyone and everyone who will listen but deny it when confronted by you.  They always have a valid reason why they were having this conversation with other people and somehow they were standing up for you to all these OTHER people who were talking about you and they are pretty sure that "everyone" knew how angry they were for the things that were being said.... Frenemies feign innocence when they believe that you are a liar, because they lie all the time, so they assume everyone else does too... they will BRAG about hating you, behind your back but will be greatly offended that you thought that they would say bad stuff about you....  I don't believe that I am anyone's frenemy... I tend to like people and if I don't, I ask people I do like how to get rid of people I DON'T like from my life...

Over the past few years I have had to really examine my definitition of friendship and reassess if I am the kind of friend I would want to have in my life.  It turns out, sometimes I am a bitch... sometimes I wouldn't speak to me because I am the "all about me" friend... other times I am the “indifferent” friend... I can be your "I know" friend because I have lots of knowledge, so if that means I have to bestow my awesomeness to someone less knowledgeable I will do that ( I have 2 children, and boy and a girl... they are teenagers... I know A LOT about kids from birth to 17... Some is tied in with stuff I don't like, but nonetheless... my suggestions may be knowledgeable.  I could be "center of attention" friend, and find most of the time I am that person.. I'm loud and silly... I am used to being the center of attention!!!  I am guilty of being the “non-committal” friend because I never really know from one moment to the next what I can do on a given day… stuff comes up… and I suppose, in reality, I have been a “frenemy” too because there are people who you know, and you KNOW that you can’t make them angry, or they will drag you down… so I will feign friendship to avoid being the person that they are currently bashing…

So I suppose for the next few days/weeks/months in my journey of self discovery, I need to figure out which friend I like the best, so that I can be that friend.... Not so sure I want to be most of these friends... but life would be boring if we didn't shake stuff up....

Until I figure it out, I will be the honest friend who doesn't mean to make things about me, I am not trying to be indifferent, and I just don't know what to say... I "know" too much sometimes, but like to give advice, listen or don't, it is up to you.... If I am the "do me a favor" friend (I have TOTALLY been this friend... I have some stuff needing done currently) I will at least OFFER compensation... not a favor in the future, but I will pay you whether with food or items, not with money.... but I'm a single mom...so I can't always pay but if I can pay you back, by all means, let's work something out... usually I will make you a kick ass dinner!!  I am trying really hard not to be the "pity me" friend but honestly, I have been pretty sad lately, but I am working on dealing with that on my own, because I KNOW it gets old... fast....
I guess... I will simply try to be the best friend I can possibly be, and hope that that is good enough.

Clique????

I was recently taking part in a conversation about the cliques in the Lesbian community…. Now, I believe that FEAR has a lot to do with it…. Not so much cliques, but deep down fear…. This, of course can be found in the heterosexual community as well.  The difference of course, in my opinion, is that in the hetero community, as a woman, the majority of us are making friends with OTHER women, which is not so daunting in that community because in that case, your FRIENDS are not a combo of a dating pool.  I saw that someone had also said that some women see going for coffee = a date…. I really have been thinking about this since then…

I think it is awful to judge people and call fear anything other than it is.  It IS real and is disrespectful not to respect that people have it.  I have been in the community for years and I have seen some pretty awful things, with dating in a small community, everyone knows everyone who knows someone who dated that one... by the time you are "in" the community you have a virtual background on EVERYONE you meet.  Say you and your partner break up and she goes around badmouthing you in the community, and say she is more "in" than you are, then you have this group of 30 (or more or less) women who know INTIMATE details about you, about how you feel.... let's be honest, we can all have the non-flattering opinions and thoughts about our ex's.... so then once we have that opinion....we have a pre-judgment of that person... Or when a couple breaks up suddenly there is this HUGE divide, your friends are yours and mine are mine, and ours pick sides, or my friends decide to be your friends and your friends decide not to be anyone’s friends and our friends decide we are both assholes so they ditch us too….

Now we have a choice, we can ignore what others say, and just risk it all by getting to know someone new, but BELIEVE ME, sometimes you ignore what you are told and you REALLY, REALLY should have listened, and by the time  you figure it out, it really is too late.... Or you can judge according to what you hear.  I mean, think about it… I GUARANTEE that there are some seriously shitty opinions of me in the community, not by everyone; I am sure, but enough people that I ABSOLUTELY balk at meeting someone new.  I tend to stick with people I know, whose motives for knowing me are known rather than reaching out to meet someone new.  Even now, when someone sends me a friend request, my FIRST thought is WHY?

It is a scary community with the cliques for sure, and venturing out into said community is a daunting task at best.  But how can it NOT be?

I have been guilty of making a “date” and having me believe it is a date, but having them believe it isn’t, because my friend pool and my dating pool are one in the same…. I have also been guilty of going on a “date” that I thought was simply coffee and spending my time talking about useless nonsense and ruining any chance of dating said woman… I have talked about my ex with my friends who are no longer friends, thereby my thoughts of my ex are now fodder for other people to talk about.  I meet someone new and find out that they are associated with my ex (when it is a bad break up, THIS can be an issue) so things trail off right away because I like my privacy.  Or I meet someone new and they start telling me they heard about this girl (don’t have a name) and then proceed to describe my last relationship, which means, somebody, somewhere is talking about me…  Or I meet someone and then I try to mesh them with other people I am friends with and they don’t get along.. Or I throw a party and go through the invitation list and see that some of my friends don’t know each other, then I have to try to figure out if those friends that don’t know each other will think that their counter parts DO know someone… Or I will invite a group of people who are MY friends and then half won’t show up because they DO know each other and don’t like each other….

I’m not so comfortable with picking and choosing people who I can and can’t hang out with based on their friendships, but then again, I’m the kind of person who thinks “the more the merrier” so tend to have a friend base with at least a few things in common between them all… Call it a clique; I simply call it planning well…. Fact is… my friends (not very many people I consider my FRIENDS) know that I like to socialize in bigger groups (easier to determine if it is a date if there are 3 or more people… WAYS easier than asking) and that way lots of people can entertain each other… but planning these things proves difficult as well.

So I speak for myself, and myself alone when I say that I am not part of a clique, or a judgmental group of friends, but I feel safe in my little group and someone has to really prove themselves when they want to join said group… I don’t want to get burned; I don’t want my life/friends/interests all over the community…. I am deathly afraid of MANY aspects of the community, but it certainly isn’t a clique… to look at it as such gives it such a childish air… and I am no child.  Fact of the matter is, when you are a teenager, there are cliques for sure, people who discern others based on ridiculous little factors (sports/pretty/cheerleaders/geeks/band/nerds/nobodies/Goths/etc) but once we start to grow up, to mature and to REALLY get to know people, I think it is more than a clique, deeper.  These are adults, who have, I can ALMOST guarantee, been burned a time or two, and are leery of letting others close… and REALLY…. can you blame us?

That said…. this is simply my thoughts on it….