Behind the mask

Today is a shit day....  I have wrestled with myself all day long on what to do about it.... whether to tell anyone, how to deal with it on my own and you know what... at the end of the day... I don't care.

I try to keep it all to myself.... I wake up in the morning and I take my pills like a good girl and remind myself that today will be a good day and know deep down that if it isn't a good day... well.... too damn bad.... Nobody's problem but my own.... And then I yell at my kid to get out of bed, yell some more, TRY to drink a cup of coffee, yell some more... hope that I have time to take the dog out... or see if I have treats so I can take her to work, yell some more, shower... if I am lucky.... yell SOME MORE... message my friend that the wanda bus is leaving, go out the door, bang on the kid's window, yell for him to get up ONE MORE TIME, get in the car... sometimes with the dog... and sometimes without... and go.. probably running behind... to work.

Now, I have honestly tried to not talk about it anymore.  Not to complain, to comment, to bring it to anyone's attention because at the end of the day, it's nobody's problem but mine.  You can turn off your monitor, mute my voice, unfriend me, or simply not read my stuff.  You can hang up the phone, walk away, make an excuse, let your battery die and let me deal with the life that I live.

But I have to be honest right this minute... I am sick to death of keeping it to myself.  I am tired of pretending I am ok when I am not so that other people don't have to really care.... Because if others had to REALLY care, had to hear it, had to live my life, they wouldn't want to either... I mean... who would?  I know it sucks to hear that I feel terrible, that I sat at work this morning and cried until I had no tears left.  I know that it makes people uncomfortable to feel as though I can't trust friendship... I can TOTALLY understand the apprehension that comes along with being my friend.... but for once... just for this second... I simply don't have it in me to care how it will affect someone else to know how shitty it is behind the mask that I put on for other people's benefit.

Now... dont' get me wrong... don't get all up in arms about my statement... It is no one and everyone in particular, nothing said, nothing noted... it isn't as if someone actually said "i don't want to hear about your life"... well, no...that's not true... people HAVE actually said it, but that didn't trigger it today...... but I know... I know how much drama comes along with knowing me....

I want to believe that being in my life is worth the drama... the days where I cry for no reason, the yelling at my kid, the dismay that I can't quite hide behind a mask of not caring when once again the ONE THING I asked to be left alone was taken by someone OTHER THAN my kids.... the distrust I am slow to push aside after finding out that some mystery person broke into my house while I was at work and watched adult movies... because no one IN my house would do it....  I want to believe that listening to me yell at my 17 yr old for 45 minutes doesn't make OTHER PEOPLE upset too.  I want to trust that when something really is wrong that I know I can turn to someone.... but the fact is... I can't.  I turn to this...to a blog... not that there are not people I know who read it... but to anonymity because sometimes the positive thoughts of people who aren't there, who don't believe they have me figured out... is what I need to go home after work, have my dinner, go to bed and wake up and do it all again.

Today is a hard day and I am sure that by tomorrow I will have put it all where it goes and put it away again so that i can stamp it down to where it can stay either out of mind or at the very least, in a place where I need to pay very little attention to it.  But for today... today it's all there, it's all at the top of my mind, taking over everything, and I am struggling to compartmentalize what needs to be so that I can focus on what needs focusing.  I get that God doesn't give you more than you can handle... well, I'm thinking God has lost his damn mind (blasphemy I know) because I CAN'T handle this and I wish he would pay attention....

sigh.... tomorrow's a new day... I just have to make it through today.