Disposable December

Today, December 4, 2012 my step mother died..  she didn't die of Cancer.  She was not the victim of random violence, or gang wars.  Her life wasn't cut short by a serial killer.  She hasn't fought a long hard battle with MS... Her heart did not fail her... or perhaps that is exactly what happened....

My Step-mother... the woman who knew more of my father than anyone else in the world, the woman who was my link to a past hazy with abuse and only shiny lights of my father.... asked me not to call her any more after today... ever.... I stopped... I won't call..... I needed a minute.

My parents were together only when we were little... My baby sister (15 months younger than me) was 2 when they split up... and I don't ever remember them in the same place at the same time again until the day that same sister died 18 years later.

My father died in December of 2004.  8 years... time flies... sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday... other times it was so long ago I don't remember him at all.  A week before he died he called me to give me trouble for having had too many phone numbers, and that's the truth..... I believe, with everything in me, that he knew he wasn't going to last long and though he didn't feel like telling me, he wanted to make sure that my step mother could.... When I pointed out that most people wipe out the old number when given a new one, he told me not to get lippy.  A week later he was dead.... We went to the funeral, everyone told me how much he and my step mother talked about me and how much I looked like him.  I remember I was sick that day, and truth be told... I was high.... My sister and I got high on the way to the funeral and I felt terrible afterwards... and yet, somewhere in there, I didn't feel too bad, it wasn't, after all like he cared one way or another.  Part of me held the shame that I believe all kids have when they disrespect their parents.... but I felt that little surge of power..... again... as usual.... i digress.

My sister died in December of 1996.  She was 20 year's old.... I miss her every day... Not a crying dramatic, world renowned sobbing way... but her... her heart, her breath, her presence... She took her own life, and it was a day that brought our family together again however briefly... for December.

 I feel as though December has robbed me of so much.... and yet...

Yet this is the month where it is better to give than to receive.... this month, which, if you celebrate it (and I do) Christmas, the season, love and joy, peace and happiness are the themes.  This month, families gather around the tree, or whichever other icon they may or may not worship or family and such around..... (being PC is not easy but it IS expected) This month more people go to church, we pray a little bit more, we love a little bit more, we give a little bit more.  This month, we gather together, to celebrate our families and friends... we share food and laughter.... and we are happy....

I feel as though I owe December something..... and yet......

Yet I can't stop feeling the hurt of disappointment hearing my final link, final connection to a father I barely knew break and fall to the ground.... I can't help feeling the sadness of a small child wondering what I did to warrant her taking herself away from me... didn't I show her that she too was important to me?

In the spirit of giving.... I forgive her for unfriending me in real life... because it's all I have that she wants.....