Disposable December

Today, December 4, 2012 my step mother died..  she didn't die of Cancer.  She was not the victim of random violence, or gang wars.  Her life wasn't cut short by a serial killer.  She hasn't fought a long hard battle with MS... Her heart did not fail her... or perhaps that is exactly what happened....

My Step-mother... the woman who knew more of my father than anyone else in the world, the woman who was my link to a past hazy with abuse and only shiny lights of my father.... asked me not to call her any more after today... ever.... I stopped... I won't call..... I needed a minute.

My parents were together only when we were little... My baby sister (15 months younger than me) was 2 when they split up... and I don't ever remember them in the same place at the same time again until the day that same sister died 18 years later.

My father died in December of 2004.  8 years... time flies... sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday... other times it was so long ago I don't remember him at all.  A week before he died he called me to give me trouble for having had too many phone numbers, and that's the truth..... I believe, with everything in me, that he knew he wasn't going to last long and though he didn't feel like telling me, he wanted to make sure that my step mother could.... When I pointed out that most people wipe out the old number when given a new one, he told me not to get lippy.  A week later he was dead.... We went to the funeral, everyone told me how much he and my step mother talked about me and how much I looked like him.  I remember I was sick that day, and truth be told... I was high.... My sister and I got high on the way to the funeral and I felt terrible afterwards... and yet, somewhere in there, I didn't feel too bad, it wasn't, after all like he cared one way or another.  Part of me held the shame that I believe all kids have when they disrespect their parents.... but I felt that little surge of power..... again... as usual.... i digress.

My sister died in December of 1996.  She was 20 year's old.... I miss her every day... Not a crying dramatic, world renowned sobbing way... but her... her heart, her breath, her presence... She took her own life, and it was a day that brought our family together again however briefly... for December.

 I feel as though December has robbed me of so much.... and yet...

Yet this is the month where it is better to give than to receive.... this month, which, if you celebrate it (and I do) Christmas, the season, love and joy, peace and happiness are the themes.  This month, families gather around the tree, or whichever other icon they may or may not worship or family and such around..... (being PC is not easy but it IS expected) This month more people go to church, we pray a little bit more, we love a little bit more, we give a little bit more.  This month, we gather together, to celebrate our families and friends... we share food and laughter.... and we are happy....

I feel as though I owe December something..... and yet......

Yet I can't stop feeling the hurt of disappointment hearing my final link, final connection to a father I barely knew break and fall to the ground.... I can't help feeling the sadness of a small child wondering what I did to warrant her taking herself away from me... didn't I show her that she too was important to me?

In the spirit of giving.... I forgive her for unfriending me in real life... because it's all I have that she wants.....

Words

Words are the most powerful thing in the world… at least in my opinion (and since I am writing this on my blog, I guess that’s what I am always going to say… my opinion)…

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about words and what they can and can’t do.  Words have the power to reduce a grown adult to tears, they have the ability to make a fear, stress or anxiety attack back up a bit so you can take a look at things from a different point of view… I want to talk about double meaning words today…  I am not talking about words like they’re, there and their either, I am particularly referring to words that are the same word with multiple meanings… Words that have been “taken back” or that the power has been taken back from….

There are really only 3 words that I can think of off the top of my head that fit this description.  They are the following;

Dyke –  1) variant of dike

2) Used as a disparaging term for a lesbian.

Nigger -            1) Used as a disparaging term for a Black person:

            2) Used as a disparaging term for a member of any socially, economically, or politically deprived group of people

Queer. – 1) Deviating from the expected or normal; strange

             2) Odd or unconventional, as in behavior; eccentric

             3) Used as a disparaging term for a homosexual person.

I have searched up the actual meanings to these words and put them next to the word itself.  Please note, I got these descriptions from www.thefreedictionary.com

Over time, these words have changed meanings…the free dictionary says the following;

A reclaimed word is a word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been semantically overturned by members of the maligned group, who use it as a term of defiant pride.

Now… I get what this is reported to be.  I understand what the above is claiming, however, I struggle to use these words when referring to myself.  I don’t have issue with other people referring to themselves as queer or dyke… (It will NEVER matter to me, I cannot, will not and do not see why ANYONE would want to refer to themselves as the N-word, it sounds ignorant no matter who is saying it and it is an insult to so many.)

I have a problem referring to myself using any of these terms because of the double meaning to said words.  I look at it a different way I think.  When I first heard the term “reclaimed” when referring to a derogatory/disparaging term I was interested, however offended I may have been.  At that time the N-word was the word that was gaining interest and attention.

My father was born in Mississippi in 1929 when the N-word had its “power” in full force.  My great Grandfather was not allowed to vote, my Grandfather was allowed to vote but was segregated and didn’t know how to read, and my father was 35 years old before the racial segregation ended “officially”.  My father, always fond of the pale skin women (he married 2 white women, and had children with my mother, all of whom were white women) was not allowed to marry the woman of his choice until he was 34 years old…. And that’s really in the Northern states, not the southern as though it was a law passed, there is still segregation in some high schools in the south (not by law, but by action).  My father, whose name was Claude Nathaniel, was referred to as “boy”, “jigaboo” and “nigger” for the duration of the 40 years he lived in the USA, and when he married his first white wife, no one accepted the marriage, including his family and hers.  When my father was 30 years old, they drained a pool he swam in.

Fast forward to my life (this was FAR before I was born, or even thought of) my parents met and got together in 1972, my father taking on the role of father to my unwed pregnant mother’s unborn child.  (My brother is white).  I grew up as a mixed race child, as I have stated in another post, raised by my white mother and white step father.  There was not a lot of time in my childhood that my father was present, however, when he was, he commanded my siblings and me without contest.  I believe that I have adopted some of his southern accent, his views and also his good looks (toot toot) because he was an opinionated, educated, Korean War veteran who had seen his share of change.  His thoughts and views on the end of the 20^th and beginning of the 21^st century were drilled into my head (welcome views I might add) from his opinion of racism in Canada (which he felt was ALWAYS here, but people here hide behind a mask of political correctness) to his views of parenting.

I remember my father and I discussing rap videos early in my 20’s and how the N-word was thrown around.  He was disgusted by the use of “Nigga” by blacks in the United States.  When I told him the argument of reclaiming the word, to as a term of defiance he balked.  He told me that there was NOTHING in the world that can change the memories, the pain, the death toll that THAT word has brought upon our people, both black and white.  The scars felt by families of blacks killed in lynches, witch hunts, KKK, along with the shame felt by present and past day white’s for the treatment of blacks simply based on the color of their skin cannot be reclaimed, he said.  The definition of the word has not changed, he told me.  When I tried again to state the argument that is so common he pointed something out to me that I don’t think many people REALLY think about…

If a group of black men call themselves Niggers… it is reclaimed… it is them standing up in defiance to “the White Man”… when a black man sings about smacking bitches and ho’s he is stating his satisfaction of equality and yet, when a white man calls a black man a Nigger, the room silences instantly and he is a Racist.  If the word has been reclaimed, then it should not have double meaning don’t you think?

The word Dyke…. It is an interesting word for sure… I have no clue why it was used to refer to lesbians to begin with.  The term Lesbian has been referred to throughout history from the start of the word referring to the Isle of Lesbos.  I am not a dyke, if it is insulting when a straight person calls me a dyke, then is it not still an insult if my lesbian friend calls me the same?  I am a lesbian and proud to be one, I love women, but I don’t use the term Dyke.  To each their own… other lesbians may not have issue with this word, however I do (and in a society where we want inclusion, again, if it has double meaning, then it hasn’t really been reclaimed.)

The last word… Queer… is one that I know many people who use…  It is a term that the label-less community of gays use quite freely.  This word can also be used to refer to gay-friendly types, to artisty types, to Poly people, to cross dressing, unusual people all throughout the community.  And yet, it is a word I do not feel comfortable using, not even when referring to someone who has reclaimed the word.  Reading about the word Queer I have learned that it is a broad term used to self identify a group of different people.  Queer means different, and in that I suppose it does cover the majority of the GLBTQ2S community.

I do not judge others for using the term Queer when referring to themselves, however, when referring to me, I fit into the human race first and foremost and really, when it comes down to it, my sexual orientation and level of strangeness does not automatically make me queer.

The double meanings of the above words sits in my brain like lava, slowly rolling in and out of my conscious, sliding into the crevices of my mind, always there, always waiting just behind the next thought as it is not something that many people like to hear.  It causes controversy if you don’t agree with the usage of the terms, gaining a label of “homophobic” or “racist” or being told I am not supportive of my community.  My issue has nothing to do with being supportive, or being a proud black woman, my issue is with society dictating what you can and can’t talk about.

My family is a mixed bag.  My daughter is bi-sexual, I am gay and my son is straight (I am pretty sure he would refer to himself as queer were it not for my opinions of the word as my kids get to hear me go off about these words a lot)…. My niece and nephew are straight.  My daughter and mother white, my sister and I are black, my son, niece and nephew are “colored” so I tend to look at the BIG picture.  I look at these words and by their definition, some of my family can use these terms and some cannot.  Technically, by the “reclamation” of these words, I can use them all to refer to myself but they cannot.  I don’t’ use these words because I am aware of the power behind them.  I am aware that some older generation gays may be offended by the word Queer, or Dyke… I am ACUTELY aware that the N-word offends the older generation of blacks….

If a word has been reclaimed, if the power has been removed from the word, should it be a word that can be used freely by EVERYONE?  If it can’t be used by everyone, should anyone use it?  And lastly, if only certain groups can use these words, is that not, in itself discrimination?