One person

Can one person really make a difference?  Is one really the lonliest?  I want to stop and think about that for a minute...

I mean, I know some people who are introverted, so therefore prefer most of their time on their own, but I can't honestly say I know ANYONE who never wants to be around ANYONE....Oh, I'm sure there are people as such, I just don''t happen to know any of them..... again... I digress.

So I have been spending a lot of time alone as of late.  I am not an introvert... I LOVE to be around people... that said, as of late, I have been spending a lot of time thinking.... what a dreadful pasttime don't you think?  Being trapped in my mind, the way it works, that's not such a great thing... but I have been thinking... mostly because honestly... I am in a REALLY bad place in my life... I am struggling with mental health issues, and just want to stop for a moment a lot of time.  Now... not one to back down from a challenge.... I have been foraging ahead and when something goes wrong, well I just fall down, get up, brush myself off and move forward...

That is SO hard sometimes... and knowing that I am alone and I am going to be doing these things and dealing with these problems alone, it seems to be very overwhelming.... So I sat down the other day and I just thought about it... and midst the tears and the negativity, a little thought occurred... a voice, as it were, that if i didn't have SO many things I am dealing with ALL at once, it wouldnt be so overwhelming, and I could keep looking forward and working toward where I need to go...

I know it isn't just me who rants to a friend or feels despair and have had their friend console them by saying it isn't "that" bad???  and don't you just wand to scream into the phone, online, in the face of your friend that it IS THAT BAD DAMMIT!!! so... in the interest of lessoning the "BAD" in my life, I thought to myself... if someone else could worry about X or Y I could figure out A or B... and then I thought about other people and the things that are going on for them... because though my life feels as though it is the center of the univers, I TRULY care about other people too.... anyway, I realized that many people in my life feel overwhelmed.. many people are at their wit's end... just feeling alone... I know how hard that is and what it feels like... so then I thought... I FEEL better when I meet someone else's needs.  I know when I can ease someone else's stress part of me.... deep inside... is happy.... even if just for a minute... just giving someone that second of relief from something that LIKELY feels huge... and from this... I devised a thought pattern....

Why not offer what I HAVE.... a skill, a minute, just something that someone else might just NEED and not have money to pay for.... just human interaction... a person helping another.... because... you see.... I have heard a lot about the 99% and that WE ARE the 99%... we do 99% of the work but control only 1% of the money... but.... why is it ALL about the money?  Wouldn't it be easier living in the 99% if it WASNT about that?  if you knew that you COULD find someone in your life to help you out?  Not always.. not on a constant basis... but just TODAY... when you are overwhelmed... just to take a couple of things of your plate RIGHT NOW...?  Wouldn't getting up tomorrow feel a little bit better?  Facing another day wouldn't be such a drain if you had 1 or 2 LESS things on your plate....

You know, when you fall on hard times, financially, have you ever noticed that you have certain friends who's homes you can invite yourself to for dinner?  why not be that home for someone in the new year?...

I read today, the following;

“I would like to say that according to the Mayan Calendar the 21st of December marks the end of the time and the beginning of no-time. It is the end of the Macha and the beginning of the Pacha. It is the end of selfishness and the beginning of brotherhood. It is the end of individualism and the beginning of collectivism… the 21st of December this year. The scientists know very well that this marks the end of an anthropocentric life and the beginning of a biocentric life. It is the end of hatred and the beginning of love. The end of lies and the beginning of truth. It is the end of sadness and the beginning of joy. It is the end of division and the beginning of unity.”

- Evo Morales, President of Bolivia to the UN General Assembly, 67th Session, 2012”

So.... I say... let's begin this brother/sisterhood... because i don't want to be alone all the time either and sometimes I need someone too.... and it's ok to admit that...

Words

Words are the most powerful thing in the world… at least in my opinion (and since I am writing this on my blog, I guess that’s what I am always going to say… my opinion)…

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about words and what they can and can’t do.  Words have the power to reduce a grown adult to tears, they have the ability to make a fear, stress or anxiety attack back up a bit so you can take a look at things from a different point of view… I want to talk about double meaning words today…  I am not talking about words like they’re, there and their either, I am particularly referring to words that are the same word with multiple meanings… Words that have been “taken back” or that the power has been taken back from….

There are really only 3 words that I can think of off the top of my head that fit this description.  They are the following;

Dyke –  1) variant of dike

2) Used as a disparaging term for a lesbian.

Nigger -            1) Used as a disparaging term for a Black person:

            2) Used as a disparaging term for a member of any socially, economically, or politically deprived group of people

Queer. – 1) Deviating from the expected or normal; strange

             2) Odd or unconventional, as in behavior; eccentric

             3) Used as a disparaging term for a homosexual person.

I have searched up the actual meanings to these words and put them next to the word itself.  Please note, I got these descriptions from www.thefreedictionary.com

Over time, these words have changed meanings…the free dictionary says the following;

A reclaimed word is a word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been semantically overturned by members of the maligned group, who use it as a term of defiant pride.

Now… I get what this is reported to be.  I understand what the above is claiming, however, I struggle to use these words when referring to myself.  I don’t have issue with other people referring to themselves as queer or dyke… (It will NEVER matter to me, I cannot, will not and do not see why ANYONE would want to refer to themselves as the N-word, it sounds ignorant no matter who is saying it and it is an insult to so many.)

I have a problem referring to myself using any of these terms because of the double meaning to said words.  I look at it a different way I think.  When I first heard the term “reclaimed” when referring to a derogatory/disparaging term I was interested, however offended I may have been.  At that time the N-word was the word that was gaining interest and attention.

My father was born in Mississippi in 1929 when the N-word had its “power” in full force.  My great Grandfather was not allowed to vote, my Grandfather was allowed to vote but was segregated and didn’t know how to read, and my father was 35 years old before the racial segregation ended “officially”.  My father, always fond of the pale skin women (he married 2 white women, and had children with my mother, all of whom were white women) was not allowed to marry the woman of his choice until he was 34 years old…. And that’s really in the Northern states, not the southern as though it was a law passed, there is still segregation in some high schools in the south (not by law, but by action).  My father, whose name was Claude Nathaniel, was referred to as “boy”, “jigaboo” and “nigger” for the duration of the 40 years he lived in the USA, and when he married his first white wife, no one accepted the marriage, including his family and hers.  When my father was 30 years old, they drained a pool he swam in.

Fast forward to my life (this was FAR before I was born, or even thought of) my parents met and got together in 1972, my father taking on the role of father to my unwed pregnant mother’s unborn child.  (My brother is white).  I grew up as a mixed race child, as I have stated in another post, raised by my white mother and white step father.  There was not a lot of time in my childhood that my father was present, however, when he was, he commanded my siblings and me without contest.  I believe that I have adopted some of his southern accent, his views and also his good looks (toot toot) because he was an opinionated, educated, Korean War veteran who had seen his share of change.  His thoughts and views on the end of the 20^th and beginning of the 21^st century were drilled into my head (welcome views I might add) from his opinion of racism in Canada (which he felt was ALWAYS here, but people here hide behind a mask of political correctness) to his views of parenting.

I remember my father and I discussing rap videos early in my 20’s and how the N-word was thrown around.  He was disgusted by the use of “Nigga” by blacks in the United States.  When I told him the argument of reclaiming the word, to as a term of defiance he balked.  He told me that there was NOTHING in the world that can change the memories, the pain, the death toll that THAT word has brought upon our people, both black and white.  The scars felt by families of blacks killed in lynches, witch hunts, KKK, along with the shame felt by present and past day white’s for the treatment of blacks simply based on the color of their skin cannot be reclaimed, he said.  The definition of the word has not changed, he told me.  When I tried again to state the argument that is so common he pointed something out to me that I don’t think many people REALLY think about…

If a group of black men call themselves Niggers… it is reclaimed… it is them standing up in defiance to “the White Man”… when a black man sings about smacking bitches and ho’s he is stating his satisfaction of equality and yet, when a white man calls a black man a Nigger, the room silences instantly and he is a Racist.  If the word has been reclaimed, then it should not have double meaning don’t you think?

The word Dyke…. It is an interesting word for sure… I have no clue why it was used to refer to lesbians to begin with.  The term Lesbian has been referred to throughout history from the start of the word referring to the Isle of Lesbos.  I am not a dyke, if it is insulting when a straight person calls me a dyke, then is it not still an insult if my lesbian friend calls me the same?  I am a lesbian and proud to be one, I love women, but I don’t use the term Dyke.  To each their own… other lesbians may not have issue with this word, however I do (and in a society where we want inclusion, again, if it has double meaning, then it hasn’t really been reclaimed.)

The last word… Queer… is one that I know many people who use…  It is a term that the label-less community of gays use quite freely.  This word can also be used to refer to gay-friendly types, to artisty types, to Poly people, to cross dressing, unusual people all throughout the community.  And yet, it is a word I do not feel comfortable using, not even when referring to someone who has reclaimed the word.  Reading about the word Queer I have learned that it is a broad term used to self identify a group of different people.  Queer means different, and in that I suppose it does cover the majority of the GLBTQ2S community.

I do not judge others for using the term Queer when referring to themselves, however, when referring to me, I fit into the human race first and foremost and really, when it comes down to it, my sexual orientation and level of strangeness does not automatically make me queer.

The double meanings of the above words sits in my brain like lava, slowly rolling in and out of my conscious, sliding into the crevices of my mind, always there, always waiting just behind the next thought as it is not something that many people like to hear.  It causes controversy if you don’t agree with the usage of the terms, gaining a label of “homophobic” or “racist” or being told I am not supportive of my community.  My issue has nothing to do with being supportive, or being a proud black woman, my issue is with society dictating what you can and can’t talk about.

My family is a mixed bag.  My daughter is bi-sexual, I am gay and my son is straight (I am pretty sure he would refer to himself as queer were it not for my opinions of the word as my kids get to hear me go off about these words a lot)…. My niece and nephew are straight.  My daughter and mother white, my sister and I are black, my son, niece and nephew are “colored” so I tend to look at the BIG picture.  I look at these words and by their definition, some of my family can use these terms and some cannot.  Technically, by the “reclamation” of these words, I can use them all to refer to myself but they cannot.  I don’t’ use these words because I am aware of the power behind them.  I am aware that some older generation gays may be offended by the word Queer, or Dyke… I am ACUTELY aware that the N-word offends the older generation of blacks….

If a word has been reclaimed, if the power has been removed from the word, should it be a word that can be used freely by EVERYONE?  If it can’t be used by everyone, should anyone use it?  And lastly, if only certain groups can use these words, is that not, in itself discrimination?