Today, December 4, 2012 my step mother died.. she didn't die of Cancer. She was not the victim of random violence, or gang wars. Her life wasn't cut short by a serial killer. She hasn't fought a long hard battle with MS... Her heart did not fail her... or perhaps that is exactly what happened....
My Step-mother... the woman who knew more of my father than anyone else in the world, the woman who was my link to a past hazy with abuse and only shiny lights of my father.... asked me not to call her any more after today... ever.... I stopped... I won't call..... I needed a minute.
My parents were together only when we were little... My baby sister (15 months younger than me) was 2 when they split up... and I don't ever remember them in the same place at the same time again until the day that same sister died 18 years later.
My father died in December of 2004. 8 years... time flies... sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday... other times it was so long ago I don't remember him at all. A week before he died he called me to give me trouble for having had too many phone numbers, and that's the truth..... I believe, with everything in me, that he knew he wasn't going to last long and though he didn't feel like telling me, he wanted to make sure that my step mother could.... When I pointed out that most people wipe out the old number when given a new one, he told me not to get lippy. A week later he was dead.... We went to the funeral, everyone told me how much he and my step mother talked about me and how much I looked like him. I remember I was sick that day, and truth be told... I was high.... My sister and I got high on the way to the funeral and I felt terrible afterwards... and yet, somewhere in there, I didn't feel too bad, it wasn't, after all like he cared one way or another. Part of me held the shame that I believe all kids have when they disrespect their parents.... but I felt that little surge of power..... again... as usual.... i digress.
My sister died in December of 1996. She was 20 year's old.... I miss her every day... Not a crying dramatic, world renowned sobbing way... but her... her heart, her breath, her presence... She took her own life, and it was a day that brought our family together again however briefly... for December.
I feel as though December has robbed me of so much.... and yet...
Yet this is the month where it is better to give than to receive.... this month, which, if you celebrate it (and I do) Christmas, the season, love and joy, peace and happiness are the themes. This month, families gather around the tree, or whichever other icon they may or may not worship or family and such around..... (being PC is not easy but it IS expected) This month more people go to church, we pray a little bit more, we love a little bit more, we give a little bit more. This month, we gather together, to celebrate our families and friends... we share food and laughter.... and we are happy....
I feel as though I owe December something..... and yet......
Yet I can't stop feeling the hurt of disappointment hearing my final link, final connection to a father I barely knew break and fall to the ground.... I can't help feeling the sadness of a small child wondering what I did to warrant her taking herself away from me... didn't I show her that she too was important to me?
In the spirit of giving.... I forgive her for unfriending me in real life... because it's all I have that she wants.....
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Bullies
I have started this blog so many times, never actually finishing it because I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say.
No, that's not true, I have known what I wanted to say, but there are so many things it was hard to wrap my mind around it all and get it all down at one time, so this is my newest attempt.
The recent media coverage of Amanda Todd's suicide and video has gotten me thinking about what kind of world we live in. I am pretty sure that everyone has been the victim of bullying at one point or another in their lives, and this has gotten me thinking about what kind of people are the greatest victims. Which people are driven to committing suicide? I know how hard it is to be the victim of bullying, don't you?
When I was a teenager I was bullied. I was bullied for everything from the color of my skin (no control) the condition of our home (not good) my brother's anger issues, my sister's popularity, my weight, my hair to who I would marry (funny that, I ended up marrying the guy, and having his kids... granted we separated, but they had it right when I was 13 didn't they *grin*) I was beat up every day for a year for walking down the wrong street. We were 3 of 7 black kids at our school, we lived on the wrong side of 12th street, in a word, you could pick on me about ANYTHING and have a reason in a peabody teenage mind.
I thought, with adulthood that the bullying would stop, that I was finally grown and I could hold my head up high. I got married at 19, simply put, because I was sure that no one would ever ask me again. You see, even my mother bullied me. When I was 11 she told me that "girls like us" will never find love... I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD! I carried this knowledge through to adulthood, believing that no one would love me because I was too fat.... In school, the teacher told me if I was like my sister to leave. My sister's friends picked on me because I was still a virgin and didn't like boys (turns out I'm gay... go fig). My brother beat me up frequently, my best friend would decide that I wasn't a friend she wanted to spend time with just because....
I look at these kids today and ache to tell them that everything goes away when you are an adult... but I don't want to lie to them. it may, or may NOT get better when you are an adult. It's all about how you deal with it, how you take it, and what you do with the bullying. I know it seems trite to say it, but I can see where the thoughts of "no one can hurt you unless you let them" can be thrown around. I am not going to bullshit you... that's BULLSHIT.... people can and will hurt you, it's almost in our nature.
I don't believe that people WANT to hurt you necessarily, however, they will and you have a choice of how you deal with that. It's true, you can listen to every single negative thing that people say and take it and carry it and wear it on your face, in your heart, on your sleeve. You can choose to hide yourself away and tell yourself the same things that these other people are telling you. You can cry, you can rail against the evilness that is there. You can do any manor of things... cut your hair in crazy do's, wear all black and mope around, listen to scream-o angry music or indie pop or depressing country songs. You can hold on to every negative thing in the world, you can hold it all in tight and convince yourself that for some reason you ARE those things that people say. You can wake up in the morning and remind yourself that living hurts, that everyone hates you, that you are not good enough.
Or you can wake up in the morning and know that I CARE about you! You can know that your family loves you (even if it seems that they don't), your friends love you.... You WILL find love one day, and though it may hurt, you will enjoy it. You can wake up and know that YOU ARE A SPECTACULAR HUMAN BEING and the world woudn't be the same without you.
I must admit... some who know me know that I have had kind of a rough go of things in my life, from child abuse to low self esteem, from bullies to abuse, I have had my run ins with suicidal thoughts, been so afraid to be alone that I got my daughter to sleep in my bed for the feeling that i was worth living for... I wrote a blog not that long ago where I wondered aloud if death would stop the pain.... I will tell you, I was CONVINCED that I would feel better.... and then i remembered something that not a lot of people know about me.
My sister committed suicide when I was 21. My daughter is named after her and my niece bares a striking resemblance in both looks and personality. One thing that parents I think, don't think to tell their children when they head out the door to school. Many kids who are bullied end up growing up to be in abusive relationships, the cycle continues. Tammy's life wasn't advertised on FB or on social media... this was, afterall, almost16 years ago. Very few people knew of the death of my sister, who was the victim of bullying in school, at home, with family, they didn't know that the man who would abuse her was the one of the ONLY PEOPLE who told her that she was lovable... so when he started hurting her she thought that she had no choice. She thought that she was ALL THOSE THINGS that all those people said about her.... that she wasn't WORTH MORE. I remember how much it hurt to find out she had died. I recall my whole family gathered around. I see every year, almost 16 years later, how that date stops our family dead, and though it stopped her pain, it damn near destroyed my mother.
We need to stop... we need to put ourselves in other people's shoes and REALLY look at what we are doing to each other. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who's child just committed suicide. Don't have kids? picture your sibling killing themself.... no sibling, you spouse, your partner, your friend.... Think about what it would be like to wake up in the morning and re-awaken withe the knowlege that you will never share a hug/kiss/arguement with that person. Look at those who DO love you, see the look on their face and think about what it would be like to never see that face again. Remember when you saw your mom cry, how hard that was for you.... imagine how hard she would cry without you, because you mean so much to her....
We need to remember... remember when people CARED about the rest of humanity. Remember when people stood up for people who were being downtrodden. We need to stop being silent. We need to put our strengths, our supports, our friends in front of the people who are being taunted. We need to show them that they ARE important. Because if we don't ALL stop bullying, it will never stop. By sitting silently, we are condoning the bullying, saying that we DON'T CARE if people are cruel, if people are being destroyed.... and I think THAT is a bigger problem than the bullies themselves.
So, how about today, today we remember that we can be a human shield.... we can walk up to someone and save them and be a hero for a day. We can take someone "different" under our wings and give them what MAY be their last hope. You never know if that kid you ignored when he got that wedgie will be at school tomorrow, so lets make sure he is! Let's make sure that if our friend is being abused that we take a minute to show them more than pain, because it TRULY makes all the difference in the world.
No, that's not true, I have known what I wanted to say, but there are so many things it was hard to wrap my mind around it all and get it all down at one time, so this is my newest attempt.
The recent media coverage of Amanda Todd's suicide and video has gotten me thinking about what kind of world we live in. I am pretty sure that everyone has been the victim of bullying at one point or another in their lives, and this has gotten me thinking about what kind of people are the greatest victims. Which people are driven to committing suicide? I know how hard it is to be the victim of bullying, don't you?
When I was a teenager I was bullied. I was bullied for everything from the color of my skin (no control) the condition of our home (not good) my brother's anger issues, my sister's popularity, my weight, my hair to who I would marry (funny that, I ended up marrying the guy, and having his kids... granted we separated, but they had it right when I was 13 didn't they *grin*) I was beat up every day for a year for walking down the wrong street. We were 3 of 7 black kids at our school, we lived on the wrong side of 12th street, in a word, you could pick on me about ANYTHING and have a reason in a peabody teenage mind.
I thought, with adulthood that the bullying would stop, that I was finally grown and I could hold my head up high. I got married at 19, simply put, because I was sure that no one would ever ask me again. You see, even my mother bullied me. When I was 11 she told me that "girls like us" will never find love... I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD! I carried this knowledge through to adulthood, believing that no one would love me because I was too fat.... In school, the teacher told me if I was like my sister to leave. My sister's friends picked on me because I was still a virgin and didn't like boys (turns out I'm gay... go fig). My brother beat me up frequently, my best friend would decide that I wasn't a friend she wanted to spend time with just because....
I look at these kids today and ache to tell them that everything goes away when you are an adult... but I don't want to lie to them. it may, or may NOT get better when you are an adult. It's all about how you deal with it, how you take it, and what you do with the bullying. I know it seems trite to say it, but I can see where the thoughts of "no one can hurt you unless you let them" can be thrown around. I am not going to bullshit you... that's BULLSHIT.... people can and will hurt you, it's almost in our nature.
I don't believe that people WANT to hurt you necessarily, however, they will and you have a choice of how you deal with that. It's true, you can listen to every single negative thing that people say and take it and carry it and wear it on your face, in your heart, on your sleeve. You can choose to hide yourself away and tell yourself the same things that these other people are telling you. You can cry, you can rail against the evilness that is there. You can do any manor of things... cut your hair in crazy do's, wear all black and mope around, listen to scream-o angry music or indie pop or depressing country songs. You can hold on to every negative thing in the world, you can hold it all in tight and convince yourself that for some reason you ARE those things that people say. You can wake up in the morning and remind yourself that living hurts, that everyone hates you, that you are not good enough.
Or you can wake up in the morning and know that I CARE about you! You can know that your family loves you (even if it seems that they don't), your friends love you.... You WILL find love one day, and though it may hurt, you will enjoy it. You can wake up and know that YOU ARE A SPECTACULAR HUMAN BEING and the world woudn't be the same without you.
I must admit... some who know me know that I have had kind of a rough go of things in my life, from child abuse to low self esteem, from bullies to abuse, I have had my run ins with suicidal thoughts, been so afraid to be alone that I got my daughter to sleep in my bed for the feeling that i was worth living for... I wrote a blog not that long ago where I wondered aloud if death would stop the pain.... I will tell you, I was CONVINCED that I would feel better.... and then i remembered something that not a lot of people know about me.
My sister committed suicide when I was 21. My daughter is named after her and my niece bares a striking resemblance in both looks and personality. One thing that parents I think, don't think to tell their children when they head out the door to school. Many kids who are bullied end up growing up to be in abusive relationships, the cycle continues. Tammy's life wasn't advertised on FB or on social media... this was, afterall, almost16 years ago. Very few people knew of the death of my sister, who was the victim of bullying in school, at home, with family, they didn't know that the man who would abuse her was the one of the ONLY PEOPLE who told her that she was lovable... so when he started hurting her she thought that she had no choice. She thought that she was ALL THOSE THINGS that all those people said about her.... that she wasn't WORTH MORE. I remember how much it hurt to find out she had died. I recall my whole family gathered around. I see every year, almost 16 years later, how that date stops our family dead, and though it stopped her pain, it damn near destroyed my mother.
We need to stop... we need to put ourselves in other people's shoes and REALLY look at what we are doing to each other. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who's child just committed suicide. Don't have kids? picture your sibling killing themself.... no sibling, you spouse, your partner, your friend.... Think about what it would be like to wake up in the morning and re-awaken withe the knowlege that you will never share a hug/kiss/arguement with that person. Look at those who DO love you, see the look on their face and think about what it would be like to never see that face again. Remember when you saw your mom cry, how hard that was for you.... imagine how hard she would cry without you, because you mean so much to her....
We need to remember... remember when people CARED about the rest of humanity. Remember when people stood up for people who were being downtrodden. We need to stop being silent. We need to put our strengths, our supports, our friends in front of the people who are being taunted. We need to show them that they ARE important. Because if we don't ALL stop bullying, it will never stop. By sitting silently, we are condoning the bullying, saying that we DON'T CARE if people are cruel, if people are being destroyed.... and I think THAT is a bigger problem than the bullies themselves.
So, how about today, today we remember that we can be a human shield.... we can walk up to someone and save them and be a hero for a day. We can take someone "different" under our wings and give them what MAY be their last hope. You never know if that kid you ignored when he got that wedgie will be at school tomorrow, so lets make sure he is! Let's make sure that if our friend is being abused that we take a minute to show them more than pain, because it TRULY makes all the difference in the world.
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