It is legitimate...

Now that the election in the US is over, I am left with conflicting emotions… part of me is elated that Barack Obama has been reelected, and so relieved that Mitt Romney isn’t in power over women’s bodies…

But part of me just keeps running back to the things that I have heard over the past little while about legitimate rape, and forcible rape, and not rape, and providing proof that you didn’t consent when you cannot speak or move… and it just eats away at me… so today I am writing about something that not a lot of people want to talk about.

I am 37 years old, and I had more sexual partners before I was 13 than I have had since.  My virginity was taken when I was 3 years old.  Now I know, many people will collectively gasp, but you know, it happened… it’s done, it was 34 years ago, I have moved on.  I also tore my earring out around that age, and though there is a visible scar, I cannot tell you if it messed me up other than cosmetically.  That said… many “professionals” say that childhood trauma carries on into adulthood, and who am I to disagree?  My family is full of persons suffering from different maladies... depression, schizophrenia, manic, bi polar disorder, BPD, PTSD, chronic hoarding, dissociative something or other, hypochondria blah blah blah… there’s more I am sure… there are child molesters, thieves, dangerous drivers, alcoholics, drug addicts… you name it, my family has one or more members somewhere, either by blood or by choice… we’ve met them all (I DON’T THINK murderers, but you never know…. needless to say, My family tree is one that remains bare for a reason)… but I digress….

The first time I remember someone touching me, it was someone from the church… a deacon… he was a nice guy… was always inviting us over, just to spend time, it was the whole family you know, and with 4 kids in one family it was REALLY nice to feel special… and though somewhere inside I knew it wasn’t right… it made me feel special, so I didn’t tell anyone… even though I knew I should have…. My sister told my mom.  One day we sat in the yard, in the make shift fort and she went to the washroom… then my mother called me…. I knew right away that she told… I was torn between being angry and being relieved (I was, after all getting more attention)… the results were not what I was expecting… my mother, an adult survivor of child abuse herself, felt betrayed… by me, not by him…. By me.  I was taking away her friend… funny that.  We went to the ministry… had the tests that were further damaging, the shame tied to them, the special groups, and doctors… the Child Psychologist who specialized in children who were sexually abused….  When I was 17 I told my school counselor about a dream that I thought was a memory about that psychologist.  I dreamed/remembered him touching me… lying there, but that couldn’t be right…. This must be my memory playing tricks on me…. on my 18^th birthday that school counselor told me that she heard on the radio that THAT doctor was arrested for molesting his patients….

I had my first “boyfriend” at 14, my sister bugged me constantly for being frigid… for not being brave enough to do more than kiss him… really, I didn’t really WANT to do more than kiss him, but peer pressure is a bitch… especially when your super cool sister is in with the “cool” kids… I “gave away” my virginity at 15…. It REALLY wasn’t a big deal, I was sick of being a “virgin” anyway…. So, one night in the middle of nowhere, on a teen camping trip, on a picnic table, I did the deed…. He told everyone the next day…. Sigh… sex and me weren’t very good friends so far.

I was a live in babysitter until I was 17.5 years old, my boyfriend was my boss’ little brother, and yea, we experimented… then one night, she got drunk at a party… came home, high on something and said we should make out…. “Don’t knock it till you try it”… over and over… I tried it…. I felt dirty… and when I told my boyfriend, my boss kicked me out…. Told me to pack my bags and get out, I had until the end of the day.  So I went and stayed at my sister’s house…. She was 18, and well, love her as I do, we don’t get along very well living together….

I moved in with a friend’s mom until I was 18… when I moved in with my boyfriend…who later became my husband and the father of my children.  For reasons that I shall not get into, that marriage did not work (one of those reasons… yup, I’m gay)…. We ended that relationship when my daughter was a baby… not even a year old….  

Over the years I learned that my mom was right in some ways… the easiest way to garner attention is to put out…being heavy though, I didn’t get the opportunity much. I didn’t have a lot of set rules for who I wanted to date… I didn’t have to be attracted to them, just have them like me… and we attempted to make relationships work… then I met the last man I was with… what a great guy…. I didn’t put out for him for MONTHS into our relationship, we were simply friends who loved each other, lived together and slept in the same bed… for the first 3 months we were literally “buddies” (friends are friends, pals are pals, buddies sleep together)… and then I met my first OFFICIAL girlfriend… wow…  I learned then the draw of being the dominant partner in bed… and I realized that I didn’t enjoy being dominated, either by men, or by women…. Always tying back being submissive to some messed up part of my childhood, I couldn’t relax… didn’t know what to “do with my hands”…. (code words for my mind went nuts).

Since that relationship, I have had sex that I wanted… mostly.  Aside from the woman I babysat for, I believed that women didn’t force sex.  It’s funny what you will believe isn’t it?  I believed the stats saying that 60% or more women had been molested/raped/sexually assaulted, so how could a woman, who likely experienced it herself… how could one sexually assault another woman?  I have learned that sexual assault is a monster with many faces.  Sex on a night you don’t want it, unsafe role playing sex, drunk sex, many different types of sex can be assault… yet still it is something that I had preconceived notions about.  And since learning more, I feel drawn to apologize…

Because of these beliefs, I know that I have withheld compassion for a woman in the community who felt assaulted, and it doesn’t matter how good a person the enforcer is outside of that, or how drunk the victim was, sexual assault is determined not by the rules, not by society, not by the enforcer… sexual assault is determined by the woman who is BEING assaulted.  And I didn’t understand that.  I didn’t offer to her what she needed and lost her as a friend because of it.  Hearing these men talk about the rights of women and what constitutes LEGITIMACY to a victim and the assault of her person has forced me to look at my own society based assumptions.  Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse perhaps dampened my ability to see and hear her voices.  I see now something I didn’t’ see before, and that is how YOU feel when it is YOU that it happens to… I UNDERSTAND something that I didn’t really “GET” before. 

Sexual assault is determined not by society or what other people think.  It doesn’t matter if we weren’t there, it doesn’t matter if we WATCHED you get drunk and leave with that girl…. Because sometimes, you expect that people will simply respect you enough not to push you when You aren’t in control of yourself.  No one but YOU can call your assault “legitimate” or “forcible” or “real”.  When I was drunk that night, at that party, it doesn’t matter who I flirted with… I flirt all the time, FLIRTING does not mean that I want that man, your friend, to kiss me, blushing when he compliments me is NOT saying I want sex…. Being so drunk that I don’t OBJECT when you show him how you can get me off on his front steps does not mean I WANT IT… and it ISN’T a case of “seeing it differently”….

The government and society telling women that their behavior, clothing, level of inebriation, inability to state a full and firm NO, or education or lack thereof determines whether it is sexual assault or not.  Rape is rape… and when you wake up and feel that dirty feeling, when the thought of that touch leaves a sour taste in your mouth… when your heart skips a beat and you feel sweat break out on your hands when you see or think of that person…. When you CAN’T or DON’T or WON’T tell anyone, when you fight with yourself trying to determine for yourself if YOU said in your actions, in your words, in your stature… when you can’t get it out of your head and it sits and eats and hurts you…. THAT is rape, and I don’t need anyone else to tell me if they SEE it differently.

So to the women whom I have not offered compassion, to the young girls who have a hell of a rise to get through, to the teens who feel bad when complimented about their level of hotness rather than complimented…. It IS legitimate and I am sorry, for my own preconceived notions.  To the women who have been hurt and don’t know if it is what you think it is, talk to a counselor, because if it ISNT pleasure you feel when you think about that, it isn’t right.  To the children who are about to break into womanhood, and to those too young to fully understand what is LEGITIMATE… if you have a “NO” feeling… it IS legitimate, and you deserve to be heard.

Love you.

You Are Here

Hello???  Hey???  Is there anyone out there?  I can't see you.  I can only see me, without  a mirror, without any preamble, I see me.

I see deep into my own eyes, see that there is something there, a spark, a cloud, something... something mysterious, uncharted.... me.  I see the world in a different way, in a way foreign to many yet so complete that I wonder how anyone else is blind to this.

You are here.  You are reading about me and my life and my thoughts and my passions.  You are getting a glimpse of the me that is inside my head.  It is a crazy place here, crazy and fun and funny, sad and melancholy and depressed.  You are here.  You are waiting, with baited breath for something or someone to tell you what you are experiencing.

I am there.  I am showing you a little bit about me, putting it out there for everyone, for no one, for me.

Caution... contents are hot. My life is soup fresh from the stove, there are painful parts, if a bit of me spills on you, rush to put it under water, wash away the pain.  My life is fresh oven baked cookies, so tempting to take a bit yet caution is thrown to the wind and you take a bite.  I took that bite, took it and burnt myself.

I am the water, lapping gently at your toes, tempting you to step in, to let me cool your feet, calm your fears.  Like the ocean I hold many secret treasures though many are not prepared for the dive.  My heart is like a natural lake, deep in some places, shallow in others, once troubled, I am murky and unclear, the clouds of my experiences rising to the surface displaying shapes and objects not quite visible yet still eye catching.  I beckon you to join me, to investigate the murkiness to your heart's content.

Where am I? I am an island, too beautiful to remain uncharted yet changed forever with the disregard of others.  Serenity is amongst the jungle of feelings and experiences, a peek of eyes glowing faintly in the night.  Alone in the world during the hurricane season of emotions and inundated with overwhelming excitement when the world has settled, only to await the weather that is feelings.

When am I?  I am your birthday, Christmas, Halloween, Mother's day, all rolled into one.  To await my arrival excitedly, to count the ways that I am special....only to find that I, like the holiday is bitter sweet.... less than expected, more than deserved.  I fill you with laughter and presents, games and frights and leave quickly in the night leaving you to awaken to another dull day.

Can you see me now?  I still can't see you, peek into my world, over my shoulder, into my mind.  Look into my eyes and see the waves of life, the vines of hurt, the taste of passion.

Bullies

I have started this blog so many times, never actually finishing it because I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say.

No, that's not true, I have known what I wanted to say, but there are so many things it was hard to wrap my mind around it all and get it all down at one time, so this is my newest attempt.

The recent media coverage of Amanda Todd's suicide and video has gotten me thinking about what kind of world we live in.  I am pretty sure that everyone has been the victim of bullying at one point or another in their lives, and this has gotten me thinking about what kind of people are the greatest victims.  Which people are driven to committing suicide?  I know how hard it is to be the victim of  bullying, don't you?

When I was a teenager I was bullied.  I was bullied for everything from the color of my skin (no control) the condition of our home (not good) my brother's anger issues, my sister's popularity, my weight, my hair to who I would marry (funny that, I ended up marrying the guy, and having his kids... granted we separated, but they had it right when I was 13 didn't they *grin*)  I was beat up every day for a year for walking down the wrong street.  We were 3 of 7 black kids at our school, we lived on the wrong side of 12th street, in a word, you could pick on me about ANYTHING and have a reason in a peabody teenage mind.

I thought, with adulthood that the bullying would stop, that I was finally grown and I could hold my head up high.  I got married at 19, simply put, because I was sure that no one would ever ask me again.  You see, even my mother bullied me.  When I was 11 she told me that "girls like us" will never find love... I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD!  I carried this knowledge through to adulthood, believing that no one would love me because I was too fat.... In school, the teacher told me if I was like my sister to leave.  My sister's friends picked on me because I was still a virgin and didn't like boys (turns out I'm gay... go fig).  My brother beat me up frequently, my best friend would decide that I wasn't a friend she wanted to spend time with just because....

I look at these kids today and ache to tell them that everything goes away when you are an adult... but I don't want to lie to them.  it may, or may NOT get better when you are an adult.  It's all about how you deal with it, how you take it, and what you do with the bullying.  I know it seems trite to say it, but I can see where the thoughts of "no one can hurt you unless you let them" can be thrown around.  I am not going to bullshit you... that's BULLSHIT.... people can and will hurt you, it's almost in our nature.

I don't believe that people WANT to hurt you necessarily, however, they will and you have a choice of how you deal with that.  It's true, you can listen to every single negative thing that people say and take it and carry it and wear it on your face, in your heart, on your sleeve.  You can choose to hide yourself away and tell yourself the same things that these other people are telling you.  You can cry, you can rail against the evilness that is there.  You can do any manor of things... cut your hair in crazy do's, wear all black and mope around, listen to scream-o angry music or indie pop or depressing country songs.  You can hold on to every negative thing in the world, you can hold it all in tight and convince yourself that for some reason you ARE those things that people say.  You can wake up in the morning and remind yourself that living hurts, that everyone hates you, that you are not good enough.

Or you can wake up in the morning and know that I CARE about you!  You can know that your family loves you (even if it seems that they don't), your friends love you.... You WILL find love one day, and though it may hurt, you will enjoy it.  You can wake up and know that YOU ARE A SPECTACULAR HUMAN BEING and the world woudn't be the same without you.

I must admit... some who know me know that I have had kind of a rough go of things in my life, from child abuse to low self esteem, from bullies to abuse, I have had my run ins with suicidal thoughts, been so afraid to be alone that I got my daughter to sleep in my bed for the feeling that i was worth living for... I wrote a blog not that long ago where I wondered aloud if death would stop the pain.... I will tell you, I was CONVINCED that I would feel better.... and then i remembered something that not a lot of people know about me.

My sister committed suicide when I was 21.  My daughter is named after her and my niece bares a striking resemblance in both looks and personality.  One thing that parents I think, don't think to tell their children when they head out the door to school.  Many kids who are bullied end up growing up to be in abusive relationships, the cycle continues.  Tammy's life wasn't advertised on FB or on social media... this was, afterall, almost16 years ago.  Very few people knew of the death of my sister, who was the victim of bullying in school, at home, with family, they didn't know that the man who would abuse her was the one of the ONLY PEOPLE who told her that she was lovable... so when he started hurting her she thought that she had no choice.  She thought that she was ALL THOSE THINGS that all those people said about her.... that she wasn't WORTH MORE.  I remember how much it hurt to find out she had died.  I recall my whole family gathered around.  I see every year, almost 16 years later, how that date stops our family dead, and though it stopped her pain, it damn near destroyed my mother.

We need to stop... we need to put ourselves in other people's shoes and REALLY look at what we are doing to each other.  Put yourself in the shoes of someone who's child just committed suicide.  Don't have kids?  picture your sibling killing themself.... no sibling, you spouse, your partner, your friend.... Think about what it would be like to wake up in the morning and re-awaken withe the knowlege that you will never share a hug/kiss/arguement with that person.  Look at those who DO love you, see the look on their face and think about what it would be like to never see that face again.  Remember when you saw your mom cry, how hard that was for you.... imagine how hard she would cry without you, because you mean so much to her....

We need to remember... remember when people CARED about the rest of humanity.  Remember when people stood up for people who were being downtrodden.  We need to stop being silent.  We need to put our strengths, our supports, our friends in front of the people who are being taunted.  We need to show them that they ARE important.  Because if we don't ALL stop bullying, it will never stop.  By sitting silently, we are condoning the bullying, saying that we DON'T CARE if people are cruel, if people are being destroyed.... and I think THAT is a bigger problem than the bullies themselves.

So, how about today, today we remember that we can be a human shield.... we can walk up to someone and save them and be a hero for a day.  We can take someone "different" under our wings and give them what MAY be their last hope.  You never know if that kid you ignored when he got that wedgie will be at school tomorrow, so lets make sure he is!  Let's make sure that if our friend is being abused that we take a minute to show them more than pain, because it TRULY makes all the difference in the world.