It is legitimate...

Now that the election in the US is over, I am left with conflicting emotions… part of me is elated that Barack Obama has been reelected, and so relieved that Mitt Romney isn’t in power over women’s bodies…

But part of me just keeps running back to the things that I have heard over the past little while about legitimate rape, and forcible rape, and not rape, and providing proof that you didn’t consent when you cannot speak or move… and it just eats away at me… so today I am writing about something that not a lot of people want to talk about.

I am 37 years old, and I had more sexual partners before I was 13 than I have had since.  My virginity was taken when I was 3 years old.  Now I know, many people will collectively gasp, but you know, it happened… it’s done, it was 34 years ago, I have moved on.  I also tore my earring out around that age, and though there is a visible scar, I cannot tell you if it messed me up other than cosmetically.  That said… many “professionals” say that childhood trauma carries on into adulthood, and who am I to disagree?  My family is full of persons suffering from different maladies... depression, schizophrenia, manic, bi polar disorder, BPD, PTSD, chronic hoarding, dissociative something or other, hypochondria blah blah blah… there’s more I am sure… there are child molesters, thieves, dangerous drivers, alcoholics, drug addicts… you name it, my family has one or more members somewhere, either by blood or by choice… we’ve met them all (I DON’T THINK murderers, but you never know…. needless to say, My family tree is one that remains bare for a reason)… but I digress….

The first time I remember someone touching me, it was someone from the church… a deacon… he was a nice guy… was always inviting us over, just to spend time, it was the whole family you know, and with 4 kids in one family it was REALLY nice to feel special… and though somewhere inside I knew it wasn’t right… it made me feel special, so I didn’t tell anyone… even though I knew I should have…. My sister told my mom.  One day we sat in the yard, in the make shift fort and she went to the washroom… then my mother called me…. I knew right away that she told… I was torn between being angry and being relieved (I was, after all getting more attention)… the results were not what I was expecting… my mother, an adult survivor of child abuse herself, felt betrayed… by me, not by him…. By me.  I was taking away her friend… funny that.  We went to the ministry… had the tests that were further damaging, the shame tied to them, the special groups, and doctors… the Child Psychologist who specialized in children who were sexually abused….  When I was 17 I told my school counselor about a dream that I thought was a memory about that psychologist.  I dreamed/remembered him touching me… lying there, but that couldn’t be right…. This must be my memory playing tricks on me…. on my 18^th birthday that school counselor told me that she heard on the radio that THAT doctor was arrested for molesting his patients….

I had my first “boyfriend” at 14, my sister bugged me constantly for being frigid… for not being brave enough to do more than kiss him… really, I didn’t really WANT to do more than kiss him, but peer pressure is a bitch… especially when your super cool sister is in with the “cool” kids… I “gave away” my virginity at 15…. It REALLY wasn’t a big deal, I was sick of being a “virgin” anyway…. So, one night in the middle of nowhere, on a teen camping trip, on a picnic table, I did the deed…. He told everyone the next day…. Sigh… sex and me weren’t very good friends so far.

I was a live in babysitter until I was 17.5 years old, my boyfriend was my boss’ little brother, and yea, we experimented… then one night, she got drunk at a party… came home, high on something and said we should make out…. “Don’t knock it till you try it”… over and over… I tried it…. I felt dirty… and when I told my boyfriend, my boss kicked me out…. Told me to pack my bags and get out, I had until the end of the day.  So I went and stayed at my sister’s house…. She was 18, and well, love her as I do, we don’t get along very well living together….

I moved in with a friend’s mom until I was 18… when I moved in with my boyfriend…who later became my husband and the father of my children.  For reasons that I shall not get into, that marriage did not work (one of those reasons… yup, I’m gay)…. We ended that relationship when my daughter was a baby… not even a year old….  

Over the years I learned that my mom was right in some ways… the easiest way to garner attention is to put out…being heavy though, I didn’t get the opportunity much. I didn’t have a lot of set rules for who I wanted to date… I didn’t have to be attracted to them, just have them like me… and we attempted to make relationships work… then I met the last man I was with… what a great guy…. I didn’t put out for him for MONTHS into our relationship, we were simply friends who loved each other, lived together and slept in the same bed… for the first 3 months we were literally “buddies” (friends are friends, pals are pals, buddies sleep together)… and then I met my first OFFICIAL girlfriend… wow…  I learned then the draw of being the dominant partner in bed… and I realized that I didn’t enjoy being dominated, either by men, or by women…. Always tying back being submissive to some messed up part of my childhood, I couldn’t relax… didn’t know what to “do with my hands”…. (code words for my mind went nuts).

Since that relationship, I have had sex that I wanted… mostly.  Aside from the woman I babysat for, I believed that women didn’t force sex.  It’s funny what you will believe isn’t it?  I believed the stats saying that 60% or more women had been molested/raped/sexually assaulted, so how could a woman, who likely experienced it herself… how could one sexually assault another woman?  I have learned that sexual assault is a monster with many faces.  Sex on a night you don’t want it, unsafe role playing sex, drunk sex, many different types of sex can be assault… yet still it is something that I had preconceived notions about.  And since learning more, I feel drawn to apologize…

Because of these beliefs, I know that I have withheld compassion for a woman in the community who felt assaulted, and it doesn’t matter how good a person the enforcer is outside of that, or how drunk the victim was, sexual assault is determined not by the rules, not by society, not by the enforcer… sexual assault is determined by the woman who is BEING assaulted.  And I didn’t understand that.  I didn’t offer to her what she needed and lost her as a friend because of it.  Hearing these men talk about the rights of women and what constitutes LEGITIMACY to a victim and the assault of her person has forced me to look at my own society based assumptions.  Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse perhaps dampened my ability to see and hear her voices.  I see now something I didn’t’ see before, and that is how YOU feel when it is YOU that it happens to… I UNDERSTAND something that I didn’t really “GET” before. 

Sexual assault is determined not by society or what other people think.  It doesn’t matter if we weren’t there, it doesn’t matter if we WATCHED you get drunk and leave with that girl…. Because sometimes, you expect that people will simply respect you enough not to push you when You aren’t in control of yourself.  No one but YOU can call your assault “legitimate” or “forcible” or “real”.  When I was drunk that night, at that party, it doesn’t matter who I flirted with… I flirt all the time, FLIRTING does not mean that I want that man, your friend, to kiss me, blushing when he compliments me is NOT saying I want sex…. Being so drunk that I don’t OBJECT when you show him how you can get me off on his front steps does not mean I WANT IT… and it ISN’T a case of “seeing it differently”….

The government and society telling women that their behavior, clothing, level of inebriation, inability to state a full and firm NO, or education or lack thereof determines whether it is sexual assault or not.  Rape is rape… and when you wake up and feel that dirty feeling, when the thought of that touch leaves a sour taste in your mouth… when your heart skips a beat and you feel sweat break out on your hands when you see or think of that person…. When you CAN’T or DON’T or WON’T tell anyone, when you fight with yourself trying to determine for yourself if YOU said in your actions, in your words, in your stature… when you can’t get it out of your head and it sits and eats and hurts you…. THAT is rape, and I don’t need anyone else to tell me if they SEE it differently.

So to the women whom I have not offered compassion, to the young girls who have a hell of a rise to get through, to the teens who feel bad when complimented about their level of hotness rather than complimented…. It IS legitimate and I am sorry, for my own preconceived notions.  To the women who have been hurt and don’t know if it is what you think it is, talk to a counselor, because if it ISNT pleasure you feel when you think about that, it isn’t right.  To the children who are about to break into womanhood, and to those too young to fully understand what is LEGITIMATE… if you have a “NO” feeling… it IS legitimate, and you deserve to be heard.

Love you.