Am I THAT friend??

Ok... so lately I have had lots on my mind, which, if you are following my blog, I am sure you have figured out...  Today's post is about something that is pretty much always on my mind.

I have been really looking at my friends, and my interpretation of the term "friend" and what that means to me as opposed to what it means to others.... We all have different ideas of friendship and what that entails, however this is about me and what kind of person I am and my beliefs around that. 

We've all heard about the dreaded "all about me" friend... you know, that person whom you can spend time with, hang out with, talk to on the phone/internet in person but you KNOW deep down inside they don’t' actually give a damn about what you are saying.... in reality, all they are interested in is having you listen to what they are saying about their own lives... You can visibly see the interest fade from their eyes, the glazing effect so obvious that half way through your important/heart breaking story, your happy, proud moment trailing off as you realize you are wasting your time because whatever you are speaking of has NOTHING to do with the "all about me" friend...

Then there's the "pity me" friend, who actually differs from the "all about me" friend who in reality only notices who they are themselves... the "pity me" friend will complain about EVERYTHING... even things that really aren't a big deal...  If you point out that actually, that isn't a big deal and really not something to be feeling sorry for yourself about, then you are not sympathetic and are usually met with the "I don't know why I even talk to you about it" statement.  When you base your friendship on honesty, you can't win with this friend unless you lie... and that doesn't really sit well does it?

There's the "I know" friend who knows EVERYTHING, all that you are experiencing, all that is going on in your life... this friend (I have been this friend) is annoying to a whole different level, because sometimes you don't want to hear about how so and so figured out that your kid is doing drugs before u did, this points out, inside somewhere a failure on your part... or triggers one at the very least.  The "I know" friend is often referred to as the "know it all" friend. Somehow this friend can link your cat's urinary tract infection to some article that they read that applied to every animal they ever had so there is something wrong with YOU for not listening to their "educated" opinion.  It doesn't even have to matter that the only thing in common in this situation is that you both have a cat... this friend knows it all...

There's the "center of attention" friend... not to be mistaken for either the "pity me" or the "all about me" friends because the center of attention friend makes EVERYONE pay attention to them all the time, sometimes going so far as to stop what everyone is doing so that all attention is glued to them... they may even tell you how much you love them, how funny they are, how cute, how well rounded... (DEFINITELY HAVE BEEN THIS FRIEND)... the "center of attention" friend doesn't really pay attention to you, but grabs on to certain things you say, interrupts you while you are speaking to point out something vaguely in common to start their own tangent.  This friend looks for situations where most people's attention is on one thing; they somehow take that one thing out of the picture, and then make it all about being the center of attention.

There's the "non-committal" friend... DEFINITELY been this friend... they don't' commit to anything.  Sometimes there are valid reasons (finances, conflicting date) but sometimes they just don't' want to spend time with you but don't know how to tell you... perhaps they only "tolerate" you and committing to spending time with you in an environment not of their choosing (because perhaps you are the all about me friend) is not something they are prepared to do.

There's also the "can you do me a favor" friend... it seems as though you are only in their life for what you can do FOR them?!?!  If you ask them for a favor it is a free for all because you asked... because "remember that time you needed x and y... good thing I was there"  The "can you do me a favor" friend is pretty crafty in calling in said favors... by the time they call it in you have been lulled into thinking that they did you that favor out of the "goodness of their heart" but you notice that they only call on you when you are needed and that you have to work 3 times as hard to make up for that favor they once granted you because their back is bad and they STILL helped you out that time....

There's the "one who you aren’t' even sure why you are friends" friend... perhaps it is just because you don't know how to remove them from your life without making a huge big deal about it... You made the mistake of considering too many people friends and by the time you are ready to grow up and remove people whom you don't really like from your life, suddenly they decide you are the best friend they ever had... are so hurt that they cry and talk shit about you in the community because you were selfish...meanwhile, you have discovered that you eat only meat, they are vegan, you believe in gender roles, they don't; you smoke pot, they don't; they are heavy drinkers, that's not your scene.... and yet you keep them in your life because so many people you both know that you are friends so stopping having them in your life means that you keep a "friend" on FB because social media NOTIFIES people when you want to remove them.... WTF...

The "indifferent" friend just simply doesn't give a shit... they can be the same person as the friend you aren't sure why you are friends with  friend... because really... they don't care one way or the other.  Most times, the indifferent friend can be found agreeing with your FRENEMY on what a shitty person YOU are... but only behind your back because NONE of these people actually care one way or the other.... to your face the "indifferent" friend doesn't actually stand up for anything, they go with the flow and don't really deeply care about how things are going other than surface deep...Most indifferent friends don't know that they are indifferent.... they simply don't care....

"Frenemies" are friends to your face and enemies behind your back.... they are the friend who will talk shit about you to anyone and everyone who will listen but deny it when confronted by you.  They always have a valid reason why they were having this conversation with other people and somehow they were standing up for you to all these OTHER people who were talking about you and they are pretty sure that "everyone" knew how angry they were for the things that were being said.... Frenemies feign innocence when they believe that you are a liar, because they lie all the time, so they assume everyone else does too... they will BRAG about hating you, behind your back but will be greatly offended that you thought that they would say bad stuff about you....  I don't believe that I am anyone's frenemy... I tend to like people and if I don't, I ask people I do like how to get rid of people I DON'T like from my life...

Over the past few years I have had to really examine my definitition of friendship and reassess if I am the kind of friend I would want to have in my life.  It turns out, sometimes I am a bitch... sometimes I wouldn't speak to me because I am the "all about me" friend... other times I am the “indifferent” friend... I can be your "I know" friend because I have lots of knowledge, so if that means I have to bestow my awesomeness to someone less knowledgeable I will do that ( I have 2 children, and boy and a girl... they are teenagers... I know A LOT about kids from birth to 17... Some is tied in with stuff I don't like, but nonetheless... my suggestions may be knowledgeable.  I could be "center of attention" friend, and find most of the time I am that person.. I'm loud and silly... I am used to being the center of attention!!!  I am guilty of being the “non-committal” friend because I never really know from one moment to the next what I can do on a given day… stuff comes up… and I suppose, in reality, I have been a “frenemy” too because there are people who you know, and you KNOW that you can’t make them angry, or they will drag you down… so I will feign friendship to avoid being the person that they are currently bashing…

So I suppose for the next few days/weeks/months in my journey of self discovery, I need to figure out which friend I like the best, so that I can be that friend.... Not so sure I want to be most of these friends... but life would be boring if we didn't shake stuff up....

Until I figure it out, I will be the honest friend who doesn't mean to make things about me, I am not trying to be indifferent, and I just don't know what to say... I "know" too much sometimes, but like to give advice, listen or don't, it is up to you.... If I am the "do me a favor" friend (I have TOTALLY been this friend... I have some stuff needing done currently) I will at least OFFER compensation... not a favor in the future, but I will pay you whether with food or items, not with money.... but I'm a single mom...so I can't always pay but if I can pay you back, by all means, let's work something out... usually I will make you a kick ass dinner!!  I am trying really hard not to be the "pity me" friend but honestly, I have been pretty sad lately, but I am working on dealing with that on my own, because I KNOW it gets old... fast....
I guess... I will simply try to be the best friend I can possibly be, and hope that that is good enough.

It is legitimate...

Now that the election in the US is over, I am left with conflicting emotions… part of me is elated that Barack Obama has been reelected, and so relieved that Mitt Romney isn’t in power over women’s bodies…

But part of me just keeps running back to the things that I have heard over the past little while about legitimate rape, and forcible rape, and not rape, and providing proof that you didn’t consent when you cannot speak or move… and it just eats away at me… so today I am writing about something that not a lot of people want to talk about.

I am 37 years old, and I had more sexual partners before I was 13 than I have had since.  My virginity was taken when I was 3 years old.  Now I know, many people will collectively gasp, but you know, it happened… it’s done, it was 34 years ago, I have moved on.  I also tore my earring out around that age, and though there is a visible scar, I cannot tell you if it messed me up other than cosmetically.  That said… many “professionals” say that childhood trauma carries on into adulthood, and who am I to disagree?  My family is full of persons suffering from different maladies... depression, schizophrenia, manic, bi polar disorder, BPD, PTSD, chronic hoarding, dissociative something or other, hypochondria blah blah blah… there’s more I am sure… there are child molesters, thieves, dangerous drivers, alcoholics, drug addicts… you name it, my family has one or more members somewhere, either by blood or by choice… we’ve met them all (I DON’T THINK murderers, but you never know…. needless to say, My family tree is one that remains bare for a reason)… but I digress….

The first time I remember someone touching me, it was someone from the church… a deacon… he was a nice guy… was always inviting us over, just to spend time, it was the whole family you know, and with 4 kids in one family it was REALLY nice to feel special… and though somewhere inside I knew it wasn’t right… it made me feel special, so I didn’t tell anyone… even though I knew I should have…. My sister told my mom.  One day we sat in the yard, in the make shift fort and she went to the washroom… then my mother called me…. I knew right away that she told… I was torn between being angry and being relieved (I was, after all getting more attention)… the results were not what I was expecting… my mother, an adult survivor of child abuse herself, felt betrayed… by me, not by him…. By me.  I was taking away her friend… funny that.  We went to the ministry… had the tests that were further damaging, the shame tied to them, the special groups, and doctors… the Child Psychologist who specialized in children who were sexually abused….  When I was 17 I told my school counselor about a dream that I thought was a memory about that psychologist.  I dreamed/remembered him touching me… lying there, but that couldn’t be right…. This must be my memory playing tricks on me…. on my 18^th birthday that school counselor told me that she heard on the radio that THAT doctor was arrested for molesting his patients….

I had my first “boyfriend” at 14, my sister bugged me constantly for being frigid… for not being brave enough to do more than kiss him… really, I didn’t really WANT to do more than kiss him, but peer pressure is a bitch… especially when your super cool sister is in with the “cool” kids… I “gave away” my virginity at 15…. It REALLY wasn’t a big deal, I was sick of being a “virgin” anyway…. So, one night in the middle of nowhere, on a teen camping trip, on a picnic table, I did the deed…. He told everyone the next day…. Sigh… sex and me weren’t very good friends so far.

I was a live in babysitter until I was 17.5 years old, my boyfriend was my boss’ little brother, and yea, we experimented… then one night, she got drunk at a party… came home, high on something and said we should make out…. “Don’t knock it till you try it”… over and over… I tried it…. I felt dirty… and when I told my boyfriend, my boss kicked me out…. Told me to pack my bags and get out, I had until the end of the day.  So I went and stayed at my sister’s house…. She was 18, and well, love her as I do, we don’t get along very well living together….

I moved in with a friend’s mom until I was 18… when I moved in with my boyfriend…who later became my husband and the father of my children.  For reasons that I shall not get into, that marriage did not work (one of those reasons… yup, I’m gay)…. We ended that relationship when my daughter was a baby… not even a year old….  

Over the years I learned that my mom was right in some ways… the easiest way to garner attention is to put out…being heavy though, I didn’t get the opportunity much. I didn’t have a lot of set rules for who I wanted to date… I didn’t have to be attracted to them, just have them like me… and we attempted to make relationships work… then I met the last man I was with… what a great guy…. I didn’t put out for him for MONTHS into our relationship, we were simply friends who loved each other, lived together and slept in the same bed… for the first 3 months we were literally “buddies” (friends are friends, pals are pals, buddies sleep together)… and then I met my first OFFICIAL girlfriend… wow…  I learned then the draw of being the dominant partner in bed… and I realized that I didn’t enjoy being dominated, either by men, or by women…. Always tying back being submissive to some messed up part of my childhood, I couldn’t relax… didn’t know what to “do with my hands”…. (code words for my mind went nuts).

Since that relationship, I have had sex that I wanted… mostly.  Aside from the woman I babysat for, I believed that women didn’t force sex.  It’s funny what you will believe isn’t it?  I believed the stats saying that 60% or more women had been molested/raped/sexually assaulted, so how could a woman, who likely experienced it herself… how could one sexually assault another woman?  I have learned that sexual assault is a monster with many faces.  Sex on a night you don’t want it, unsafe role playing sex, drunk sex, many different types of sex can be assault… yet still it is something that I had preconceived notions about.  And since learning more, I feel drawn to apologize…

Because of these beliefs, I know that I have withheld compassion for a woman in the community who felt assaulted, and it doesn’t matter how good a person the enforcer is outside of that, or how drunk the victim was, sexual assault is determined not by the rules, not by society, not by the enforcer… sexual assault is determined by the woman who is BEING assaulted.  And I didn’t understand that.  I didn’t offer to her what she needed and lost her as a friend because of it.  Hearing these men talk about the rights of women and what constitutes LEGITIMACY to a victim and the assault of her person has forced me to look at my own society based assumptions.  Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse perhaps dampened my ability to see and hear her voices.  I see now something I didn’t’ see before, and that is how YOU feel when it is YOU that it happens to… I UNDERSTAND something that I didn’t really “GET” before. 

Sexual assault is determined not by society or what other people think.  It doesn’t matter if we weren’t there, it doesn’t matter if we WATCHED you get drunk and leave with that girl…. Because sometimes, you expect that people will simply respect you enough not to push you when You aren’t in control of yourself.  No one but YOU can call your assault “legitimate” or “forcible” or “real”.  When I was drunk that night, at that party, it doesn’t matter who I flirted with… I flirt all the time, FLIRTING does not mean that I want that man, your friend, to kiss me, blushing when he compliments me is NOT saying I want sex…. Being so drunk that I don’t OBJECT when you show him how you can get me off on his front steps does not mean I WANT IT… and it ISN’T a case of “seeing it differently”….

The government and society telling women that their behavior, clothing, level of inebriation, inability to state a full and firm NO, or education or lack thereof determines whether it is sexual assault or not.  Rape is rape… and when you wake up and feel that dirty feeling, when the thought of that touch leaves a sour taste in your mouth… when your heart skips a beat and you feel sweat break out on your hands when you see or think of that person…. When you CAN’T or DON’T or WON’T tell anyone, when you fight with yourself trying to determine for yourself if YOU said in your actions, in your words, in your stature… when you can’t get it out of your head and it sits and eats and hurts you…. THAT is rape, and I don’t need anyone else to tell me if they SEE it differently.

So to the women whom I have not offered compassion, to the young girls who have a hell of a rise to get through, to the teens who feel bad when complimented about their level of hotness rather than complimented…. It IS legitimate and I am sorry, for my own preconceived notions.  To the women who have been hurt and don’t know if it is what you think it is, talk to a counselor, because if it ISNT pleasure you feel when you think about that, it isn’t right.  To the children who are about to break into womanhood, and to those too young to fully understand what is LEGITIMATE… if you have a “NO” feeling… it IS legitimate, and you deserve to be heard.

Love you.