coming through hatred

Your coming out stories         

Recently I was privileged enough to read someone’s coming out story.  I am floored.  I am a “lucky” one.  Me being gay didn’t matter to anyone.

My heart is torn with feeling, with anger at people for hurting others in the name of ignorance!  I am hurting.. Hurting that others, people whom I am lucky enough to have in my life have been degraded and hurt because of who they are when it should not matter!  I am deep down ashamed… Ashamed of the human race and lack of compassion in a group of humans….

I don’t have a special coming out story.  I didn’t have a moment when I went “aha” and knew I was gay… yes, honestly, making love with a woman EXPLAINED SOOOO MUCH… but it wasn’t a big deal.  In the greater scheme of things, my sexual exploits were the least of my mother’s worries… My father didn’t quite know but then again, he didn’t NOT know either, we simply never discussed it.  He didn’t want to know about my sex life anymore than I wanted to know about his so it didn’t exist.

Since then I have “come out” I suppose, but not really.  I have made no effort to share with the world the fact that I am gay, though I make no effort to hide it.  who I sleep with, whom I love, whom I choose to share my life with is none of anyone’s business but mine and the one whom I choose.  That said… I hear and read and learn the struggles that some of my friends have gone through, the level of impersonal and downright hurtful family and friends in this world brings tears of frustration to my eyes.

I suppose, being me, I may have people dislike me but I don’t notice.  Fact is… I don’t care, I assume everyone likes me, and everyone wants to know that I LOVE women, that I masturbate, that I hate kids, that I am constantly shocked by how messy/angry/belligerent/rude/stupid/idiotic/fun/funny/loving people are.  I honestly don’t’ notice if it is the dreaded TMI, however reading and hearing and thinking about other people’s coming out stories just floors me in the sense that there are still people who are THIS ridiculous!

I see how family members disown their family as though who their child/sister/brother/mother/father is has suddenly become someone not worthy of love on the basis of what they do in bed.  What gets me is that these people don’t REALLY break this shit down.  That’s what they are angry about… YOU DISOWNED YOUR KID BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE HOW HE FUCKS!..... How can these people not see the ridiculousness of it.  It isn’t because of who your son/daughter/friend LOVES… they love YOU… if you are a brother, or a friend or a father or a son, you LOVE ANOTHER MAN.  If you are a mother or a sister or a daughter or a aunt, you have LOVED ANOTHER WOMAN… what the fricken issue is boils down to what your family/friend does IN BED.

Well, let me just put this into perspective for you people who are so “on your high horse”…. I think what YOU DO in bed is gross TOO!  I think that your “normal” love making is boring and overbearing and repetitive.  I don’t find pleasure in it, I don’t want to see it, hear about it, be a part of it… but you know… I respect YOU enough and care about YOU enough as a human being to say that if it makes YOU happy THAT is what is important to me. 

Normally I have this lesson learning message.  I start out with what is bothering me, and end with something positive, thought provoking and uplifting and yet today I find myself unable to do it.  Unable to learn a lesson from the hatred of others.  I find myself unable to positively twist and turn this information, this seldom talked about subject.  I find nothing in here…. I am hurting…. Hurting for girls like Mallory and boys like Matthew.  I find myself aching for GLBTQ youth who are taking their lives…. Because of how petty people are… and how hurtful.  I do not wish illwell on anyone, no matter their views about whomever… I am saddened by the world in which I live in and I find myself struggling to find the sliver of light in this cloud…. It is hanging too low today.

To everyone who is being ostracized because of who you are… remember… when it is LOVE it is all the same.  When someone STOPS loving you because you don’t live the way THEY want you to, it is THEIR thing, not yours.  There is no reason to hide who you are to please them.  If they can’t hate because of this, they will find another reason.  All you can do is hold your head up high and know that some of us out there are in awe of your bravery, of your strength and of your resilience.

Thank you… for all you do.