Thank you

I was driving to work this morning and a thought occurred to me.... I know, shocking!

What occurred to me really surprised me.  I have really been having some down days lately... over the past several months I have gone through a tough time and sometimes, honestly, it feels like it will never end.  I have been guilty of what I tell others not to do.  I have been holding all the negative things said about me inside and applying them to myself over and over again.  I'm scared... honestly, how else can I explain it?  I have lost a bit of trust for people... no, not true... I have lost a lot of trust for people.... but that's not what this is about... this is about something a little different.

Today, October 26, 2012 I want to stop for a minute... the negative thoughts and words will be there tomorrow, they will be there tonight, they probably aren't going anywhere for a while... so I have decided to take a break from them.  You know, it's almost like working 16 hours a day in a freezer... everything just kind of freezes you, you just go through the motions, over and over again moving the fish from one side of the freezer to the other... and Today, I am going to step out of that freezer for the day

I want to take a day and just think to myself, think what I have that is good and pure and right in my life.  I don't want to focus on the shitty stuff... THAT is with me all the time... but since it takes up so much of my time and thoughts, I kind of forget to stop for a minute to remember the good stuff that is going on.

Some of you know that I broke up with my partner back in May, and without details, it is taking a while for me to heal..... Also, some of you may know that my living situation is a little different now than it was 6 months ago, my daughter staying with her step father in another city for school and a break (straight up, 15 is a BITCH, and if he wants to take that on, that's FINE with me.... but I digress....) My son is living at home and I am spending A LOT of time in my room.

So I want to stop and take stock of what is positive in my life, just as a reminder, an example that it IS possible to look at the bright side.... so let's see what is going GOOD right now shall we???

My son is going to school again :) this, I must say is the BEST thing possible.  I am so proud of him.  He doesn't always get up in the morning and let's be honest, sometimes he doesn't WANT to go, he has chosen Friday school today because he wasn't in the mood to be on time the other day (we had a disagreement, so he was using his boundary skills, and allowing himself to calm down).  His teacher says he is doing well, taking part in school and has shown considerable improvement over the last time he was attending (almost a year ago).  I made him PROVE that he wasn't just screwing around to avoid paying room and board.  When he said he wanted to return to school I made him do all the leg work, speak with the principals and register himself, to show that he was serious.  He did it.  He showed up at the regular high school to speak with the office to find out what he needed to do in order to attend again.  They told him that he had to go to the learning center (alternate school) an show some committment.  He DID IT... He went the next day and spoke with them and was distraught when they wouldn't let him register.  I called and spoke with them (I had to give him a LITTLE assistance, go up to bat for him... he is, afterall, my son) and they had another meeting with him and agreed to let him attend.  He has been going for over a month now with more days at school than not, even if he isn't in the mood.  I am proud of him.  He is taking it easy on the food (teenage boys eat so damn much)  and remembering to feed the pets.  Even though he doesn't ALWAYS listen, it is easier to get him to agree to a compromise, and he WILL do chores.... This is truly a great improvement.

He has been thinking of other people before himself in certain situations.  He has stood up for me, hugged me and been a good support for me as of late, really working WITH me instead of against me.  It seems that he is growing up and he MAY make it to full grown MAN with great skills and goals.  Here's a cheers to you little man (he is 6'2" lol).

My daughter is doing well in school as well.  Though she is staying with her dad in another city, she is attending school, eating healthy (thanks so much N!!) and generally moving forward in a more positive way.  When she comes home we are both ready to see each other and though she has been doing some typical "i don't like my mom" stuff, all in all, if she can reign it in when she is home, we get along well... I am reminded, once again, of my baby girl, getting glimpses of her here and there.  She is doing very well in school, and if you know her history from last year, you know that this is a good thing.  She is attending even when she doesn't feel like it (which i think contributes to her mental health improving, it is all too easy to wallow in your own misery when you lay around in bed all the time.... yes, i am hypocrite, I admit this)... She has completed the courses that she failed to complete last year and she is being less harsh against herself.  She is helping to encourage her little sister to be a healthy happy kid and she is really doing very well, though sometimes she states she isn't... it's all par for the course.

I am doing.... ok.  I'm not great, but I am doing ok.  I am meeting new people and getting to know them for possible friendship and learning from my previous mistakes.  I have discovered boundaries that are good for me, that are accepted by the new people in my life and am feeling better more days than I am feeling worse.  I have made positive changes in my house, changing furniture, changing my room, changing my outlook.  My dishwasher is fixed (FINALLY, it has been almost 3 years of having a rolling counter top that takes up massive space in my kitchen).  My cats have stopped peeing on everything THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, my dog is doing well.  I spend time with my neighbors who are good people and I get to chill with the little boy next door.  I have been babysitting my 16 month old niece on thursdays and she has this innocence about her that truly brings joy to my life, no matter how  i am feeling, I spend some time with that little girl and I feel good inside.  My nephew's little girl is almost 2 months old and my sister and nephew are starting to spend time together and drop the anger/animosity/grudge that they have held against each other. My bills are getting paid and there is food in my cupboard, my car is running well and I am learning to be still.  All in all, bad things aside, I think that the past 6 months has really been positive in the long run and healing is happening, even when I feel like it isn't. 

I am almost done my Halloween costume and I am proud to have made it myself, my dreadlocks are still cute and suit me (i love to look at them) and I went down a size in my pants...

I wanted to share this little bit of me with you, this interesting tid bit, because sometimes it seems that all we talk about is what is wrong in our lives, our friends' lives, our enemies lives and the world.  So just for a minute, this rainy Friday morning, I wanted to take stock of what is GOOD in my life, what is going well and what IS happening in a positive way.  Just to remind me, and you, that one day at a time, everything changes... Sometimes for the worst, but eventually, after enough wrong turns, we start making right ones and then things progress in a way that will inevitably turn out well.

thanks life for testing my limits... thanks friends for being there for me... thanks enemies for teaching me what I need to move forward.