Parenting, more than just skinned knees

So.... it has happened again.... I screwed up.... I know, SHOCKING..... but it happens to the best of us, and today, it happens to be my turn... again.

My son is 17 years old.  I love him.  I grew up with him.... Or his birth shoved me on the escalator of being an adult.  When I found out I was pregnant with him I did what I knew was necessary.  I went to a private college and signed up for an office admin course to ensure I would not be raising my kid on welfare (I had NO false hope that my marriage would last.... ) and set about figuring out what I needed to do to parent, go to school and achieve my own personal goals in life...

Almost 18 years later.....and we are ALMOST there.  I have learned so much from this ride and it is a ride I will be on for the rest of my life if all these mothers are correct.... I am honestly a little let down on that one.  You see, my mother, for the most part, stopped MOTHERING when I was 9... no more school lunches, no bedtime stories.. if you wanted dinner and there was food in the house, you were making it yourself.... by the time I was 11 she wasn't even parenting my younger sister.... sometimes I wonder about that... about whether that is the reason that my kids are as they are....

Now before you get all up in arms, I am not saying my kids are TERRIBLE... but being honest... I probably could have done better in my parenting.  I look at certain things, certain failings that they DEFINITELY have and I know without a doubt that I am the cause, or my parenting skills or lack there of has a lot to do with why I struggle with, or why they struggle with certain things....  My kids are not good at cleaning.... no, I take that back... either one of them is as good at is as I am... however, none of us have that inherant *nudge* that inclines us to clean... nor do we have that "put that away" voice in our heads.... this has it's plus' and minus'... I mean, when I go to my death bed... I can GUARANTEE that I am not going to be worried about it... and well... cleaning for company sucks...

My kids have no filter... pretty sure that came from me as well... It started out with me cursing... though they refrain from doing it my presence... I know that they do.. but they are crude as hell... and again... we are talking GUARANTEE... they got THAT from me too.... I am a comedian, and messed in the head (more messed... but I digress)... I don't stop to think what I am saying before I say it most of the time... and so it is not surprising for my kids to recommend birthing videos as birth control for 8 year olds... (start em young I always say) or purposely busting your brother during his "me time"... My kids have been known to offend and shock grown adults with their knowledge as I have never felt the need to keep it a secret... I would rather they learn from me than from others....

Raising my children has been a learning experience.... I have learned about children... I have learned about "the system", about what it is like to panic in the middle of the night because your child is sick... to rush to the hospital over a goose egg from learning to walk.  I know what it's like to watch your 4 year old MELT DOWN in public and have EVERYONE look at you like you hit him with a shoe... to have people look through me when looking for my pale skinned daughter's mother...  I have watched my daughter cut her arms up, my son drown his sorrows in drugs... I have listened to other people's children bully my children and want to spank THOSE children AND their parents.... Held my daughter while she cried over a boy...and a girl... I have watched my 300lb son lose his temper with a security door and leave a fist sized hole.

I have learned that patience IS a virtue... and I am not always virtuous... I know that self esteem is important, for both the kids AND me... I have discovered that the system set up to educate our youth is broken and kids are slipping, sliding, and diving through the cracks...sometimes they dove through because a helpful adult has INFORMED them that they aren't worth educating... (by letting them know that they are only educating them out of a law... and were it not law... they'd close the book)... the system set up to assist our children work their way through adolescent mental health issues is more confusing than the mental health issues themselves...   The Social system that is set up to protect our children both helps and hinders them... by giving them the rights of adulthood in their homes but not on the streets, which in itself handicaps the parents of the children.  I have found that the legal system that gives these children protection from abuse of their parents has taken on a new head, that can and does sometimes lead to abusing the parent...

I have learned that Knowledge is power, and power in the hands of an angry teen is a powerful weapon that hurting children will use against anyone they want and only regret it when and if they hit rock bottom.  That a 13 year old has the legal right to counter their parent's desire for medical attention... thereby forcing said parent to ASK the child if they want medical attention...

I know now that without pulling the "parent" card or the "i pay the bills" card... parenting is impossible.  Much to my son's dismay... "because I am an adult" IS a valid excuse and "I Pay the bills" DOES mean that I can make the rules... and that sometimes... though it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, given the opportunity to do it all again, I would do it again in a heartbeat... for those moments on mountain tops when you're buried hip deep in snow, and singing and dancing like morons on a sunday morning.  For the occasions when I get an "i love my mama" post on my facebook or a 5 yr old face on my 17 year old son... I would grasp this opportunity all over again because though it may be thankless, and hard, may take up too much time or energy or effort... though I feel like i have messed it all up.... that even though my kids could have had a better mom (they SOOOO could have) I could have had better kids... but since they got me and I got them, it's a deal that works for me... because I love them JUST AS THEY ARE... even when they suck... I would rather my kids be my kids and be different and weird and unusual (ok... my son showering would be a God send... but I digress)... be individuals with personality and color than any stick in the mud goody goody any day... because life would simply be too boring....

so... here's to more scuffed shoes, skinned knees, mouthing back, kicking you out for a week, not buying the soap you like, complaining about the dishes, not wanting to cook anymore moments... to dancing in the kitchen and bursting out in song in the grocery store... to punch buggy no returns and double D's... Thanks guys.... it wouldn't be the same if you weren't YOU.