You probably won't believe this.....

I have to admit something to you…. I have lied to you, I have lied to everyone for years…. I have told everyone how much confidence I have, joked and laughed with all of you, made you smile and brought tears to your eyes…. But…here it is….

I do NOT have a great self esteem.  I am NOT actually that confident.  In most situations, I really have to force myself to step up to the plate…. To take that first step in the door at the bar I am so bravely arriving at by myself.  I have to tell myself over and over again that a girl isn’t going to think I am nuts if I ask her for coffee.  I look at myself in the mirror repeatedly, wondering how that pimple got there….

I don’t like to be nekkid in front of people… I don’t want to take my clothes off for sex.  Don’t get me wrong, I can WANDER AROUND the house nekkid, I can USUALLY even dance nekkid, I love a good strip tease… but I would rather that people (someone intimate of course) didn’t look…

I know that in person I will talk all about how you have to love yourself and that you need to know that you are loved and all the rest, however, I am not so unrealistic that I don’t realize that when it all comes down to it, what people say to and about you really does change how you look at yourself.  Case in point, my daughter.  She is BEAUTIFUL… I WISH I looked like her.  She has (in my opinion) the perfect shape, she is just the right tall, she has beautiful skin and gorgeous blue eyes.  She’s blonde (as a black woman, THIS IS MY ENVY) and has curls that are sweet (though she straightens them).  She is a bigger girl, however, she looks in proportion to her size, she is what used to be regarded, I suppose as “husky” or “big boned”.  I think she is amazingly beautiful, graceful and when she grows up, some guy is going to fall all over himself for her…. she won’t believe him because what other people say to and about her shapes how she feels about herself.

We tell people that no one can tell them how they can and can’t feel, tell them not to worry about what other people say but then we are hurt by exactly that.  There were studies done on youth stating that raising a child with positive reinforcement is better for their self esteem.  Yet for every negative thing said/told/pointed out about a person, 20 positive things were needed to counteract that.  But we tell people not to be hurt by it?  We tell people who feel uncomfortable with eating in public that they are free to do so but don’t’ consider how it feels when some asshole teenager (or adult really) comes up and tells them to stop eating or calls them a pig under their breath or makes thumping noises when they walk by.  Who wouldn’t that hurt?  I mean, take the most popular kid in school, everyone likes them, they have a great home life (ok, hypothetically speaking here people) and every day for a month point out something negative about them, and get 3 of your friends to do the same every OTHER day.  At the end of the month there will have been 75 negative statements about one thing about that super confident person; now ask how they feel.  See if they now look in the mirror and see JUST that thing that is wrong or not…. This is how the negativity feeds your fear and destroys your self esteem.

I am currently nervous, for various reasons, however, I know having quit smoking I have gained some weight… as a matter of fact, someone who was once close to me pointed that fact out, just in case I hadn’t noticed (well, fuck you very much too)…. But I digress… she pointed out that I gained weight… I have been big forever…. I am used to being overweight, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t CARE about it… I have just accepted it.  Every day since she pointed out my weight gain I look in the mirror to see if I have gained more girth to my already large body….  The thought of being nekkid bothers me… the thought of someone SEEING me up close and personal gives me palpitations… because I have a low self esteem when it comes to body image.  I know that my body is not everyone’s cup of tea… I know that gravity has done a phenomenal job of putting things SLIGHTLY below (and off to the left) of where they should be… my body claps if I run down the stairs too quickly, my thighs get sweaty and rub together ruining the inner thigh of my clothing… I get that… but how does that fare for making love?  How does that work when you are taking your clothes off with someone new?  What made me self conscious?  Me, who can stand on a stage and make you all laugh, who can write a blog that makes people think for hours sometimes, and makes them look at me in a different light.   Why do I have a low self esteem?

When in relationships I seem to run into a number of problems… the biggest of which is “lesbian bed death” which if you are a lesbian… you know about… and if you aren’t… it’s pretty straight forward from the title exactly what it is… but just in case you DON’T know… this is where two women who are in a loving committed lesbian relationship, usually living together (from my estimation at least) who no longer have sexual intimacy on a regular basis.  By regular basis I mean perhaps weekly… or even bi-weekly is pushing it.  Usually someone cries, or fights and the other “gives in” because they are fed up (or don’t… it happens) Now… one would think… then perhaps go back to hetero-sexuality… only… once we get past the penis part of it *shudder*….. I had the same problem THERE TOO. 

That’s right… when I was “straight” I had lesbian bed death with my ex BOYFRIENDS too… but again…. I digress… This blog is, of course about self esteem and how someone else’s words can sit beneath the surface and affect you negatively forever… or for a very long time at least….  When your partner isn’t your biggest supporter, your “cheerleader” as it were, it is easy to allow the negative things that they say shape the way you feel about yourself…. When your partner in a well meaning way tells you that your shirt “clings weird” to your stomach or “bright colors make you look bigger” rather than boosting you up, it is easy to allow their words to shape how you feel.

I readily admit that I am not the most confident person in the world… who is really?  I’m just as scared and self conscious as my daughter about how I look, and what a girl will think of me.  I am scared to take my clothes off in front of her, I wish I didn’t have this pimple on my chin.  I am worried that my chin hair is going to be a deal breaker… because my self esteem is damaged…. 

But you know what isn’t damaged?  My belief that even if I am too fat, or smell bad, or missing teeth… that I can’t keep house and am disorganized… that even if I don’t make a lot of sense and forget what I am saying often, if I forget to buy groceries because I was watching a movie.  My belief that who I am, imperfections and all DESERVES love and to be treated well.  My belief that if I were MY FRIEND… I would tell me that I am pretty awesome and there are things that I have to offer and anyone who can’t see that, isn’t worth the spit in the sand.  My belief that no one is perfect and everyone can find something wrong with themselves… that we all have our “things” that we don’t like about ourselves… is one that has determined that though what others have said has made me self conscious in the face of nudity (or potential nudity) that I worry that I talk too much or that my varicose veins look nasty… I still have an awful lot of awesome to offer to a person who accepts who I am and wants to know me as a person.

So bring it on… while I stamp down the self esteem assholes that pop up and make me want to run, lay it thick while I run around flipping shitty thoughts the bird, because Wanda deserves the world!