Clique????

I was recently taking part in a conversation about the cliques in the Lesbian community…. Now, I believe that FEAR has a lot to do with it…. Not so much cliques, but deep down fear…. This, of course can be found in the heterosexual community as well.  The difference of course, in my opinion, is that in the hetero community, as a woman, the majority of us are making friends with OTHER women, which is not so daunting in that community because in that case, your FRIENDS are not a combo of a dating pool.  I saw that someone had also said that some women see going for coffee = a date…. I really have been thinking about this since then…

I think it is awful to judge people and call fear anything other than it is.  It IS real and is disrespectful not to respect that people have it.  I have been in the community for years and I have seen some pretty awful things, with dating in a small community, everyone knows everyone who knows someone who dated that one... by the time you are "in" the community you have a virtual background on EVERYONE you meet.  Say you and your partner break up and she goes around badmouthing you in the community, and say she is more "in" than you are, then you have this group of 30 (or more or less) women who know INTIMATE details about you, about how you feel.... let's be honest, we can all have the non-flattering opinions and thoughts about our ex's.... so then once we have that opinion....we have a pre-judgment of that person... Or when a couple breaks up suddenly there is this HUGE divide, your friends are yours and mine are mine, and ours pick sides, or my friends decide to be your friends and your friends decide not to be anyone’s friends and our friends decide we are both assholes so they ditch us too….

Now we have a choice, we can ignore what others say, and just risk it all by getting to know someone new, but BELIEVE ME, sometimes you ignore what you are told and you REALLY, REALLY should have listened, and by the time  you figure it out, it really is too late.... Or you can judge according to what you hear.  I mean, think about it… I GUARANTEE that there are some seriously shitty opinions of me in the community, not by everyone; I am sure, but enough people that I ABSOLUTELY balk at meeting someone new.  I tend to stick with people I know, whose motives for knowing me are known rather than reaching out to meet someone new.  Even now, when someone sends me a friend request, my FIRST thought is WHY?

It is a scary community with the cliques for sure, and venturing out into said community is a daunting task at best.  But how can it NOT be?

I have been guilty of making a “date” and having me believe it is a date, but having them believe it isn’t, because my friend pool and my dating pool are one in the same…. I have also been guilty of going on a “date” that I thought was simply coffee and spending my time talking about useless nonsense and ruining any chance of dating said woman… I have talked about my ex with my friends who are no longer friends, thereby my thoughts of my ex are now fodder for other people to talk about.  I meet someone new and find out that they are associated with my ex (when it is a bad break up, THIS can be an issue) so things trail off right away because I like my privacy.  Or I meet someone new and they start telling me they heard about this girl (don’t have a name) and then proceed to describe my last relationship, which means, somebody, somewhere is talking about me…  Or I meet someone and then I try to mesh them with other people I am friends with and they don’t get along.. Or I throw a party and go through the invitation list and see that some of my friends don’t know each other, then I have to try to figure out if those friends that don’t know each other will think that their counter parts DO know someone… Or I will invite a group of people who are MY friends and then half won’t show up because they DO know each other and don’t like each other….

I’m not so comfortable with picking and choosing people who I can and can’t hang out with based on their friendships, but then again, I’m the kind of person who thinks “the more the merrier” so tend to have a friend base with at least a few things in common between them all… Call it a clique; I simply call it planning well…. Fact is… my friends (not very many people I consider my FRIENDS) know that I like to socialize in bigger groups (easier to determine if it is a date if there are 3 or more people… WAYS easier than asking) and that way lots of people can entertain each other… but planning these things proves difficult as well.

So I speak for myself, and myself alone when I say that I am not part of a clique, or a judgmental group of friends, but I feel safe in my little group and someone has to really prove themselves when they want to join said group… I don’t want to get burned; I don’t want my life/friends/interests all over the community…. I am deathly afraid of MANY aspects of the community, but it certainly isn’t a clique… to look at it as such gives it such a childish air… and I am no child.  Fact of the matter is, when you are a teenager, there are cliques for sure, people who discern others based on ridiculous little factors (sports/pretty/cheerleaders/geeks/band/nerds/nobodies/Goths/etc) but once we start to grow up, to mature and to REALLY get to know people, I think it is more than a clique, deeper.  These are adults, who have, I can ALMOST guarantee, been burned a time or two, and are leery of letting others close… and REALLY…. can you blame us?

That said…. this is simply my thoughts on it….

dating sites

Ok, so earlier I wrote this big, long winded post about the word Queer, however, I have decided to think about that one before I post it, IF i post it...

but, I do have something I want to talk about almost as much as that...

Yup... you guessed it.... dating sites.

I cannot be the only one who has issues with these sites.  Ok, ya, I wouldnt have issues with them if I wasn't on them, that said, I have profiles on lots, most of the time, doesn't mean I am looking for dates, it just means that I like to type/chat with anonymous people somewhere other than in my house.... sometimes I make some GREAT friends out of the deal and sometimes I am left shaking my head.  A friend of mine recently met someone off of one of these sites... that person turned out CRAZY.... so far, I have been ok in that book... but I am always aware of the risk.  that said... my issues is not so much the people who contact you... actually, without me initiating it with words, I wouldn't ever hear from anyone....  I don't know, perhaps I am intimidating, I don't think so, but I am not looking at me objectively.... but i digress....

Now, what is particularly irritating to me on these sites is the myriad of things you have to answer in order to get matched up with people.... (there's more than just this)... i mean, I have answered THOUSANDS of questions to better equip some weird program in matching me up with some random person based on a percentage of "compatibility".... this... this is interesting, I will swear left right and center that just because my favorite ice cream is vanilla and I like to take my socks off under the sheets (long story) doesn't mean that Sarah, who also LOVES vanilla ice cream and only has sheets to catch her socks will be a good match for me.  According to at least one site, my ex and I were 82% perfect match for a forever relationship.... guess what??!??!?!?!  WRONG?!?!  We can't even be in the same room... so I guess that 18% is like a fricken mountain or something..... i mean there's 82% more water in the ocean.... but see how hard it is for the ocean to get over the rockies.... just sayin....

Don't get me wrong, I have met, and even married someone I met online, though not through a dating site... and the last man I was with I also met online, so something obviously works 82% of the time *grin*... but.... in a world that is FULL of sites, places where people virtually hang out and get to know virtual sides of everyone and everyone hides behind a keyboard, why is it none of these "matches" match me?  It certainly isn't that these sites don't SAY we are matched.... and it isn't like meeting people in public works so well... .first off, as a lesbian, try going out and just randomly asking some woman who happens to be beautiful if she likes women... TALK ABOUT HARROWING... I have trouble enough talking to women who i KNOW love women...

So OK, I hide, like others, behind the anonymity of a keyboard and get memberships on all these sites... a myriad of women are there for my choosing, the sites send me potential matches weekly (i should NEVER have trouble getting a date according to these sites)  I have wonderful pictures depicting me doing amazing things (laughing, in the ocean with my hair crazy, walking with my kids, making funny faces... contemplative, sexy look, so on and so forth) in amazing sittuations (Cuba, riding a bike, dancing) and yet no one on these damn sites talks to me.... I mean COME ON!!!  I am a pretty cool chick, if I do say so myself... and I am friendly.  I'm not like repulsive looking.... and yet, these sites, with all their matches do nothing to improve my seeing/meeting ratio...

what's worse than that.... these sites TELL YOU who looked at your profile.... and then decided NOT to talk to you.... WTF?????  Ok... so now I know that I have multiple memberships on dating sites.... for various things... I'm not trying to find the PERFECT match, but hey, getting to know some people would be nice.... and noone speaks to me, but LOTS OF people are matches to me, looked at me and said.... "meh, nah"??????  seriously???

Maybe I should just throw in the bag....

Thank you

I was driving to work this morning and a thought occurred to me.... I know, shocking!

What occurred to me really surprised me.  I have really been having some down days lately... over the past several months I have gone through a tough time and sometimes, honestly, it feels like it will never end.  I have been guilty of what I tell others not to do.  I have been holding all the negative things said about me inside and applying them to myself over and over again.  I'm scared... honestly, how else can I explain it?  I have lost a bit of trust for people... no, not true... I have lost a lot of trust for people.... but that's not what this is about... this is about something a little different.

Today, October 26, 2012 I want to stop for a minute... the negative thoughts and words will be there tomorrow, they will be there tonight, they probably aren't going anywhere for a while... so I have decided to take a break from them.  You know, it's almost like working 16 hours a day in a freezer... everything just kind of freezes you, you just go through the motions, over and over again moving the fish from one side of the freezer to the other... and Today, I am going to step out of that freezer for the day

I want to take a day and just think to myself, think what I have that is good and pure and right in my life.  I don't want to focus on the shitty stuff... THAT is with me all the time... but since it takes up so much of my time and thoughts, I kind of forget to stop for a minute to remember the good stuff that is going on.

Some of you know that I broke up with my partner back in May, and without details, it is taking a while for me to heal..... Also, some of you may know that my living situation is a little different now than it was 6 months ago, my daughter staying with her step father in another city for school and a break (straight up, 15 is a BITCH, and if he wants to take that on, that's FINE with me.... but I digress....) My son is living at home and I am spending A LOT of time in my room.

So I want to stop and take stock of what is positive in my life, just as a reminder, an example that it IS possible to look at the bright side.... so let's see what is going GOOD right now shall we???

My son is going to school again :) this, I must say is the BEST thing possible.  I am so proud of him.  He doesn't always get up in the morning and let's be honest, sometimes he doesn't WANT to go, he has chosen Friday school today because he wasn't in the mood to be on time the other day (we had a disagreement, so he was using his boundary skills, and allowing himself to calm down).  His teacher says he is doing well, taking part in school and has shown considerable improvement over the last time he was attending (almost a year ago).  I made him PROVE that he wasn't just screwing around to avoid paying room and board.  When he said he wanted to return to school I made him do all the leg work, speak with the principals and register himself, to show that he was serious.  He did it.  He showed up at the regular high school to speak with the office to find out what he needed to do in order to attend again.  They told him that he had to go to the learning center (alternate school) an show some committment.  He DID IT... He went the next day and spoke with them and was distraught when they wouldn't let him register.  I called and spoke with them (I had to give him a LITTLE assistance, go up to bat for him... he is, afterall, my son) and they had another meeting with him and agreed to let him attend.  He has been going for over a month now with more days at school than not, even if he isn't in the mood.  I am proud of him.  He is taking it easy on the food (teenage boys eat so damn much)  and remembering to feed the pets.  Even though he doesn't ALWAYS listen, it is easier to get him to agree to a compromise, and he WILL do chores.... This is truly a great improvement.

He has been thinking of other people before himself in certain situations.  He has stood up for me, hugged me and been a good support for me as of late, really working WITH me instead of against me.  It seems that he is growing up and he MAY make it to full grown MAN with great skills and goals.  Here's a cheers to you little man (he is 6'2" lol).

My daughter is doing well in school as well.  Though she is staying with her dad in another city, she is attending school, eating healthy (thanks so much N!!) and generally moving forward in a more positive way.  When she comes home we are both ready to see each other and though she has been doing some typical "i don't like my mom" stuff, all in all, if she can reign it in when she is home, we get along well... I am reminded, once again, of my baby girl, getting glimpses of her here and there.  She is doing very well in school, and if you know her history from last year, you know that this is a good thing.  She is attending even when she doesn't feel like it (which i think contributes to her mental health improving, it is all too easy to wallow in your own misery when you lay around in bed all the time.... yes, i am hypocrite, I admit this)... She has completed the courses that she failed to complete last year and she is being less harsh against herself.  She is helping to encourage her little sister to be a healthy happy kid and she is really doing very well, though sometimes she states she isn't... it's all par for the course.

I am doing.... ok.  I'm not great, but I am doing ok.  I am meeting new people and getting to know them for possible friendship and learning from my previous mistakes.  I have discovered boundaries that are good for me, that are accepted by the new people in my life and am feeling better more days than I am feeling worse.  I have made positive changes in my house, changing furniture, changing my room, changing my outlook.  My dishwasher is fixed (FINALLY, it has been almost 3 years of having a rolling counter top that takes up massive space in my kitchen).  My cats have stopped peeing on everything THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, my dog is doing well.  I spend time with my neighbors who are good people and I get to chill with the little boy next door.  I have been babysitting my 16 month old niece on thursdays and she has this innocence about her that truly brings joy to my life, no matter how  i am feeling, I spend some time with that little girl and I feel good inside.  My nephew's little girl is almost 2 months old and my sister and nephew are starting to spend time together and drop the anger/animosity/grudge that they have held against each other. My bills are getting paid and there is food in my cupboard, my car is running well and I am learning to be still.  All in all, bad things aside, I think that the past 6 months has really been positive in the long run and healing is happening, even when I feel like it isn't. 

I am almost done my Halloween costume and I am proud to have made it myself, my dreadlocks are still cute and suit me (i love to look at them) and I went down a size in my pants...

I wanted to share this little bit of me with you, this interesting tid bit, because sometimes it seems that all we talk about is what is wrong in our lives, our friends' lives, our enemies lives and the world.  So just for a minute, this rainy Friday morning, I wanted to take stock of what is GOOD in my life, what is going well and what IS happening in a positive way.  Just to remind me, and you, that one day at a time, everything changes... Sometimes for the worst, but eventually, after enough wrong turns, we start making right ones and then things progress in a way that will inevitably turn out well.

thanks life for testing my limits... thanks friends for being there for me... thanks enemies for teaching me what I need to move forward.

Faults....strengths.....what have you

So I was walking the dog this morning because for some strange reason I woke up on time... no, not on time, actually I woke up early, without the benefit of the 6 alarm clocks that rip me from sleep every morning.     Honestly, I am terrible in the mornings.  I can't seem to get up, it doesn't really matter what time I set the alarm or what time I go to bed, it really is hit and miss with me.

Last week I slept in and was 2 hours late for work.  I know!!!  I swear I thought it was Saturday, I woke up to the repeated ping of my phone saying I had a message and even then I was like "Thank God it's Saturday" and then I said.... WAIT!!!!  It was my boss texting me, wondering where I was.

I have never been good at waking up, and this little bout with being single is teaching me, hopefully, how to always get myself up.  I have always had someone else in my life who does wake up to alarms waking me up.  That said, I wonder if I am doing my children a disservice by waking them up, butt no, if I didn't, they would sleep all day long.... but I digress....

When I was a kid, my siblings would wake me up.  I recall vividly the sound of a boot hitting a bedroom door.  My brother would throw footwear at the door to scare me into waking up.  I wonder why it didn't work??  I currently have 6 alarms ringing every day, in various places in my room with various things that I need to do various things in order to disable them.  One I simply have to get out of bed, another find the tiny button that is off, but the last 3 are killing me... I do math problems to turn them off... (oh the magic of modern technology)  I set it to be medium hard and 5 questions, but my goodness I am math retarded... THAT is a job in itself, and yet I can still answer those damn questions while sleeping... le sigh.

While we are on the topic of things that I am not so good at, I have to be honest.  I am not so great at housework either.  Don't get me wrong, I don't live in the house of my childhood, but honestly, my house is usually in a set standard of disarray.  There it is... .it's out in the open now.  My little shame.  I do try, I simply have limitations.  Aside from my sister, and of course my mother, I have not seen or been in many houses that are in any way close to my messiness.  That's not to say that I have rotten food or dead animals under piles of garbage (i'd call TLC myself)  It isn't that it smells terrible all the time (there ARE times, I do, you know, live with a teenage boy, and his feet...... OMFG....again, digress).  My house is simply usually messy.  The animals tear things apart and the kids don't clean it up.  I work and when I am not working I am usually in my bedroom, seldom using the rest of the house aside from the washroom and kitchen (not surprisingly they are the cleanest rooms in the house because I see them therefor I remind kids to clean them or clean them myself).

I don't really use my house, though I pay the bills and ensure that we have food.  I just spend most of my time alone these days.  There is nothing compelling me to be in other parts of the house.  The kids' rooms are frightening, and the living room is usually full of teenage boys or at least one teenage boy who is watching something scarey on television while using the laptop while talking on the phone.... not a welcome place really....   When I have a gathering, I do clean the house, I spend days before expected company cleaning and scrubbing, deodorizing and tidying.  Twice a year I clean my carpets and rearrange my furniture.  I invite over my organized friends to help me to get to a place where most would feel it is manageable... I am not most.  My brain simply put, doesn't compute keeping a house organized.

People say that things should have a place and that they should always be put back in said place, however I note, when cleaning there is always more stuff than places.  I notice the things that I keep that I can't bring myself to throw away, not for some sentimental reason either, simply because I don't.  Once my friend came over to help me downsize the house, we got some substantial things accomplished, I got rid of 30% of my stuff... that was last year... I have increased said 'stuff' by 20%... it seems the downsizing was pointless, but I like to look at it in a more positive way, getting rid of 30% left room for 30% more stuff... I still have less than I did :)

At the end of the day I am not particular about my home.... I mean, I have teenagers and they are messy, I am, afterall, their mother, and it is one's mother who teaches them to tidy.  As my mother didn't teach me, I didn't learn, as I didn't learn, I did a poor job of teaching my children.  I simply cannot keep up after them and their friends, plus the pets...  The dog odesn't make a mess, but the cats like to tear stuff up and if I don't notice it (say, in the living room or down by my son's room) then it won't get cleaned up until I do. 

When I die, people aren't going to comment on my home, at least I hope that they won't.  Now that I think about it, will they?  Will they notice the dust on my knick knacks, the stain in the carpet, the dirt in the coat closet?  Or will they remember me, faults and all and think that they were comfortable in my home, though it isn't the cleanest, it isn't organized at all (i currently have TWO junk DRESSERS.... most people have a junk draw) there is probably money long forgotten somewhere in the house, priceless gifts, given by people in my past, carefully preserved amongst the tits and tats laying around?  Will they recall coming over to my house and worrying about their socks getting dirty or will they remember the smell of cooking dinner and the smile on my face?

It's interesting, when one really thinks about it, who we are behind our doors...isn't it?

You Are Here

Hello???  Hey???  Is there anyone out there?  I can't see you.  I can only see me, without  a mirror, without any preamble, I see me.

I see deep into my own eyes, see that there is something there, a spark, a cloud, something... something mysterious, uncharted.... me.  I see the world in a different way, in a way foreign to many yet so complete that I wonder how anyone else is blind to this.

You are here.  You are reading about me and my life and my thoughts and my passions.  You are getting a glimpse of the me that is inside my head.  It is a crazy place here, crazy and fun and funny, sad and melancholy and depressed.  You are here.  You are waiting, with baited breath for something or someone to tell you what you are experiencing.

I am there.  I am showing you a little bit about me, putting it out there for everyone, for no one, for me.

Caution... contents are hot. My life is soup fresh from the stove, there are painful parts, if a bit of me spills on you, rush to put it under water, wash away the pain.  My life is fresh oven baked cookies, so tempting to take a bit yet caution is thrown to the wind and you take a bite.  I took that bite, took it and burnt myself.

I am the water, lapping gently at your toes, tempting you to step in, to let me cool your feet, calm your fears.  Like the ocean I hold many secret treasures though many are not prepared for the dive.  My heart is like a natural lake, deep in some places, shallow in others, once troubled, I am murky and unclear, the clouds of my experiences rising to the surface displaying shapes and objects not quite visible yet still eye catching.  I beckon you to join me, to investigate the murkiness to your heart's content.

Where am I? I am an island, too beautiful to remain uncharted yet changed forever with the disregard of others.  Serenity is amongst the jungle of feelings and experiences, a peek of eyes glowing faintly in the night.  Alone in the world during the hurricane season of emotions and inundated with overwhelming excitement when the world has settled, only to await the weather that is feelings.

When am I?  I am your birthday, Christmas, Halloween, Mother's day, all rolled into one.  To await my arrival excitedly, to count the ways that I am special....only to find that I, like the holiday is bitter sweet.... less than expected, more than deserved.  I fill you with laughter and presents, games and frights and leave quickly in the night leaving you to awaken to another dull day.

Can you see me now?  I still can't see you, peek into my world, over my shoulder, into my mind.  Look into my eyes and see the waves of life, the vines of hurt, the taste of passion.

My Ethnicity

So I was just reading about all the sports scandals involving people who's sponsorship was pulled.... and then it occurred to me that it was mostly men... but THEN it occurred to me to look beyond what everyone else always thinks about... I mean everyone is talking about the fact that the sex scandals happen... Straight up guys, if you have sex, and you are famous, you COULD be accused of rape/force/coercion, any number of things.  Women, well, we all know, if THEY have sex, well it is a whole different ball game... I mean, when is the last time you saw a tabloid story about some guy's junk hanging out, and I know guys, lots of them, and I have seen junk hanging out... it is what it is, but I certainly don't hear what terrible MEN they are.... but I digress.... because this is something more, something different, something that occurred to me after that, because I WAS going to talk about those things...

But then Tiger Woods came across the scene... and I know most people will stop and think about his sexual exploits.... whatever, he had sex... he shouldn't have, but he did, these things happen, how many people do YOU know who have been inappropriate... I've been guilty of it myself.... why lie.

That said... that's not what I think about... I stopped for a minute and thought about the fact that to look at him, I see a black man... first... but then I look at his features and I see the Asian in him, and that led me to think about President Obama.... and the fact that to look at him, I see a black man... first... but then I look at his features and see that he too is mixed... with white... Halle Berry... mixed, I do believe so, however, my sources (google) have so many damn results that I am not quite sure, so if I am wrong, please do let me apologize to her.  That said... it started me thinking about the fact that people are mixed race is somehow different....

I am mixed race, my mother is white and my father was black... my older (next) sister is my 100% full blood sister and we have various other mixes on both sides... but we are... black I suppose.  My father used to say that Mulatto was an insult, though I never understood why.  and I see by looking at my children (my daughter could pass for any straight, through and through white kid) that mixing races you never quite know what your child will look like, whether they will be a "visible" minority or not....

I never liked being colored... when I was a kid, I would walk down the street, with my eyes trained completely forward, veering neither left nor right, so that I could not see my skin out of the corner of my eye.  It is interesting that I did that, don't you think?  When I dreamed, I was blond... I had long, beautiful blond hair, pale white skin (like my daughter's coincidentally) I was thin.... forever thin... and I would dream like in those "Tampax was there" commercials... long, tall grass, lovely birds singing, music playing, sun shining.... BLAH.... it was strange, don't you think?  That in my head, I was just like every other white kid?  It's not that I hated being black for a reason really, except that it made my family look strange, the 3 girls colored, the parents and brother white... everyone always wanted to know if we were dirty or adopted.... if you read about the kitchen, you DO understand the dirty part.... but never that we were my mother's children.  My father was, as so many are, absent a good portion of my life, but THAT is a whole different post... my mother was there and my step father until I was 9 or 10 (it might have been before that, my ages all seem to run together) and he too was white... I was confused at first, when I realized that I was not actually the same as my mother and that this was, in some way, unusual... I didn't know that other kids' parents were the same color as their children... It didn't occur to me to look I suppose.

When I started grade two was when I met the first kid in my life who was a different culture that I was aware of, and I suppose that is when my own difference occurred to me as well.  I remember Harjinder well, he never liked me after that day because I didn't know the little white square over his braid was a cultural thing that BOYS do... you can imagine my embarrassment when he told me he was, in fact, a boy.... I went to that school with him for another 5 years and not a day went by that he didn't remind me how stupid it was that I didn't know he was a boy.... That day, when I got home, i really LOOKED at my skin for the first time... looking at it intently, then looking at both of my sisters' and my brother's skin as well... my brother, fully white, looks just like my mother, with his then blond hair and blue eyes, pale white skin... he was... different... my younger sister Tammy was pale as well, but not like them.... she could pass for white in the Caucasian features, there was doubt that she was mixed with African American like my older sister and I.  My skin, a caramel color in the winter time and a deep, dark golden tan in the summer... my hair, kinky and curly, high forehead  plump lips, prominent jaw and cheek bones, Dena with darker skin and the same facial features and hair, without the lips... but my mother... her skin so pale, she burnt so bad in the summer time, I never understood the reason... I simply thought that she got too much sun....

I look like my father... or everyone has always said that i do... his skin so dark, like tar, his short Afro curly hair, large flat nose and big lips, his jaw forward, high forehead... perhaps... perhaps I have some of his features, and yet I never felt that I did.

I grew up, simply accepting things as status quo , I was not black, and yet I was not white... I was... different....  Now that I am an adult, I hear a lot about racism... I know it is there... this I am not surprised about... I just don't understand how it matters anymore.... my daughter, if you believe the one drop rule (which I do) is black.  I am black... my son, nieces, nephews, sister, my grandchildren, all black no matter what color their skin may be.  If you believe you can breed the color out... well, i doubt that will happen, no matter how many times you mix it... someday, somewhere, sometime, a full out black child is going to be born... and somebody is going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do... That said.... perhaps, now... it shouldn't matter?

Bullies

I have started this blog so many times, never actually finishing it because I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say.

No, that's not true, I have known what I wanted to say, but there are so many things it was hard to wrap my mind around it all and get it all down at one time, so this is my newest attempt.

The recent media coverage of Amanda Todd's suicide and video has gotten me thinking about what kind of world we live in.  I am pretty sure that everyone has been the victim of bullying at one point or another in their lives, and this has gotten me thinking about what kind of people are the greatest victims.  Which people are driven to committing suicide?  I know how hard it is to be the victim of  bullying, don't you?

When I was a teenager I was bullied.  I was bullied for everything from the color of my skin (no control) the condition of our home (not good) my brother's anger issues, my sister's popularity, my weight, my hair to who I would marry (funny that, I ended up marrying the guy, and having his kids... granted we separated, but they had it right when I was 13 didn't they *grin*)  I was beat up every day for a year for walking down the wrong street.  We were 3 of 7 black kids at our school, we lived on the wrong side of 12th street, in a word, you could pick on me about ANYTHING and have a reason in a peabody teenage mind.

I thought, with adulthood that the bullying would stop, that I was finally grown and I could hold my head up high.  I got married at 19, simply put, because I was sure that no one would ever ask me again.  You see, even my mother bullied me.  When I was 11 she told me that "girls like us" will never find love... I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD!  I carried this knowledge through to adulthood, believing that no one would love me because I was too fat.... In school, the teacher told me if I was like my sister to leave.  My sister's friends picked on me because I was still a virgin and didn't like boys (turns out I'm gay... go fig).  My brother beat me up frequently, my best friend would decide that I wasn't a friend she wanted to spend time with just because....

I look at these kids today and ache to tell them that everything goes away when you are an adult... but I don't want to lie to them.  it may, or may NOT get better when you are an adult.  It's all about how you deal with it, how you take it, and what you do with the bullying.  I know it seems trite to say it, but I can see where the thoughts of "no one can hurt you unless you let them" can be thrown around.  I am not going to bullshit you... that's BULLSHIT.... people can and will hurt you, it's almost in our nature.

I don't believe that people WANT to hurt you necessarily, however, they will and you have a choice of how you deal with that.  It's true, you can listen to every single negative thing that people say and take it and carry it and wear it on your face, in your heart, on your sleeve.  You can choose to hide yourself away and tell yourself the same things that these other people are telling you.  You can cry, you can rail against the evilness that is there.  You can do any manor of things... cut your hair in crazy do's, wear all black and mope around, listen to scream-o angry music or indie pop or depressing country songs.  You can hold on to every negative thing in the world, you can hold it all in tight and convince yourself that for some reason you ARE those things that people say.  You can wake up in the morning and remind yourself that living hurts, that everyone hates you, that you are not good enough.

Or you can wake up in the morning and know that I CARE about you!  You can know that your family loves you (even if it seems that they don't), your friends love you.... You WILL find love one day, and though it may hurt, you will enjoy it.  You can wake up and know that YOU ARE A SPECTACULAR HUMAN BEING and the world woudn't be the same without you.

I must admit... some who know me know that I have had kind of a rough go of things in my life, from child abuse to low self esteem, from bullies to abuse, I have had my run ins with suicidal thoughts, been so afraid to be alone that I got my daughter to sleep in my bed for the feeling that i was worth living for... I wrote a blog not that long ago where I wondered aloud if death would stop the pain.... I will tell you, I was CONVINCED that I would feel better.... and then i remembered something that not a lot of people know about me.

My sister committed suicide when I was 21.  My daughter is named after her and my niece bares a striking resemblance in both looks and personality.  One thing that parents I think, don't think to tell their children when they head out the door to school.  Many kids who are bullied end up growing up to be in abusive relationships, the cycle continues.  Tammy's life wasn't advertised on FB or on social media... this was, afterall, almost16 years ago.  Very few people knew of the death of my sister, who was the victim of bullying in school, at home, with family, they didn't know that the man who would abuse her was the one of the ONLY PEOPLE who told her that she was lovable... so when he started hurting her she thought that she had no choice.  She thought that she was ALL THOSE THINGS that all those people said about her.... that she wasn't WORTH MORE.  I remember how much it hurt to find out she had died.  I recall my whole family gathered around.  I see every year, almost 16 years later, how that date stops our family dead, and though it stopped her pain, it damn near destroyed my mother.

We need to stop... we need to put ourselves in other people's shoes and REALLY look at what we are doing to each other.  Put yourself in the shoes of someone who's child just committed suicide.  Don't have kids?  picture your sibling killing themself.... no sibling, you spouse, your partner, your friend.... Think about what it would be like to wake up in the morning and re-awaken withe the knowlege that you will never share a hug/kiss/arguement with that person.  Look at those who DO love you, see the look on their face and think about what it would be like to never see that face again.  Remember when you saw your mom cry, how hard that was for you.... imagine how hard she would cry without you, because you mean so much to her....

We need to remember... remember when people CARED about the rest of humanity.  Remember when people stood up for people who were being downtrodden.  We need to stop being silent.  We need to put our strengths, our supports, our friends in front of the people who are being taunted.  We need to show them that they ARE important.  Because if we don't ALL stop bullying, it will never stop.  By sitting silently, we are condoning the bullying, saying that we DON'T CARE if people are cruel, if people are being destroyed.... and I think THAT is a bigger problem than the bullies themselves.

So, how about today, today we remember that we can be a human shield.... we can walk up to someone and save them and be a hero for a day.  We can take someone "different" under our wings and give them what MAY be their last hope.  You never know if that kid you ignored when he got that wedgie will be at school tomorrow, so lets make sure he is!  Let's make sure that if our friend is being abused that we take a minute to show them more than pain, because it TRULY makes all the difference in the world.

Harley Davidson Roadster

I have to admit... I was scared out of my mind but I didn't want to tell my friend how worried I was.  I mean, it was, afterall, my idea!  when I was a kid, my uncles had motorcycles and we used to get rides on them.  I think the last time I went I was maybe 7 or 8.  After that, my weight came into the picture... Looking back on it now that I have had the first ride in 30 years (MY GOD I'M OLD) and talking to my friend about it, this must have been simply an excuse, not the reality of it.  You see, I have had friends over the years who owned bikes... and I got the same excuse time after time... "you'll break the shocks".... this was a HELL of a thing to carry around with me, knowing how much I weigh, I thought this to be valid.

Well, my friend said that it was BS and so, one August night, I asked if she would take me on her motorcycle... and though we had a few misses (it took a while to come to fuition) i have now had my motorcycle ride and I AM ADDICTED!!!

I was afraid... I thought about it for the 48 hours from the time of her suggestion of Monday right up until she started driving... I think it took perhaps 3 minutes for me to be STUPID happy instead of afraid.... I had so many ideas in my head what it would be like... how the bike would tip and I would fall off, how I would hold on too tight, cutting the blood and oxygen supply from her head, making her pass out, thereby crashing the motorcycle... if THAT didn't occur then I figure for sure I would tip the bike on a corner (there was only ONE corner in all that time that was even slightly scarey in reality... I admit, I kind of had a moment of panic).  I mean, looking at motorcycles, I have always questioned the use of them, after all there are no car doors, windshields, seatbelts, airbags... or, well.... METAL surrounding a person.

the low rumble of the bike was the first thing that I really noticed... yea, ok, for THOSE reasons, but also for the feeling in my back, in my legs and in my feet.  I felt like I was in one of those massage chairs, (only without the weird squeezing thing that the chairs do to your legs) I felt the tension slowly vibrate its way from my shoulders, down my back, the hum was INCREDIBLE!  I felt my muscles relaxing, felt stress and anxiousness take a back seat with the fear.

I WAS ON A MOTORCYCLE!!!  I had a permanent grin on my face and wanted the ride to go on forever.  I cannot believe I waited all this time to venture to ask a mature person to take me on their bike!!  I wore sunglasses (i know now that there IS a reason for this... hello bug in your eye!!!) but I know that everyone around me saw the pure joy, the bliss the happiness on my face, I couldn't have shown it any more obviously had I had balloons and fanfare!  I'm honestly surprised I didn't get bugs in my teeth!

The way that she maneuvered the bike was so smooth, even on the corners, everything was just a slight move.  I admit, the clicking sound as the bike geared down at the lights had me starting to worry that it was because of my weight but I put that away and just let it be, after all, were it BECAUSE of my chunky ass, my friend would have jumped on the "you'll break the shocks" bandwagon, this is, after all a HARLEY DAVIDSON... the most coveted of bikes... nothing shows stature like a HD.  whenever we approached a light I was disappointed yet super excited... i looked around at everyone, so happy was i to be on the bike!  I saw some people on buses or in their cars that didn't see the awesomeness that was riding a motorcycle, but my goodness, they OBVIOUSLY had never been on one!  I think I may have caught my own look of "show off" on other people's faces... but never again will that look be directed at motorcycles... who can blame a person for loving the vibration, the sound, the feeling of the wind in your face, the bugs in your teeth (hehe) the feeling of the air slightly penetrating through the light weight jacket I wore.  Who wouldn't want to have that feeling of freedom, of nothing in the world worrying you, feeling the troubles on your mind, the stresses in your body slowly ebbing off to be left behind on the roads you travel.

I must admit, I do understand why women like to passenger on a Harley... honestly, with that much vibration I couldn't POSSIBLY drive one, I would be uh.... busy.  Long stretches I must admit are simply FABULOUS!!!

The ride ended far too soon, I think I may have had more fun on that ride than I can honestly say I got out of just about anything I have done over the past 10 years....

I can't wait to go again :)

Food recalls

Well, my friend just posted a link to a peanut butter recall in the US.... this on top of the beef recall in Canada is concerning to me, you know, as a chunky woman...

I mean, the beef, that's ok... I can deal with not eating beef... yes, sure I will miss it, but I am more of a chicken kind of girl anyway.  Beef has to be cooked just right and it seldom is, so I can live without it.  If not for bacon and sausages, ok, and ribs... I could live without pork... oh wait... there's porkchops, smothered in mushroom gravy, cooked perfectly, the gravy on rice or patatos.... *oh wait, i'm drooling here*... where was I?  Right... Ok, so I would have to keep pork too, though I could probably live without turkey, and seafood, though I do love sushi... wait.... no.... not doing without seafood either... but, I could LIVE without it... turkey is a take it or leave it food for me, and since the only other poultry I have eaten is duck and chicken, I could even do without duck... just give me chicken... and pork...

however, this peanut butter recall in the US is a little frightening, one, because I shop in the US, and that would just plain piss me off, and two because EVERYONE who can does so too, which means, pot luck dinners could turn out to be a fiasco, everyone having to list all ingredients to ensure nobody gets botulism or whatever you are going to get... If you look at this recall, it is recalling EVERYTHING... like so much stuff.... not just peanut butter, and peanut products, but it looks like the FDA is simply recalling everything that could possibly be related to a late distant cousin of the nut... sesame seed stuff, gelato (say it ain't so!!! I JUST discovered this stuff) chicken spring rolls, (again, a food i LOVE) tahini...(ok, not a lot positive about that stuff) but even the organic peanut butter...( which leads a person to wonder how they can call it organic, I mean if it IS organic, how would it get infected by NON organic peanuts, unless their MIXING STUFF and charging more... which companies would NEVER do.....but I digress (i do have a habit of this))

What I want to know is... what am I supposed to eat now?  I just cannot see being a vegetarian... unless chicken becomes a vegetable... plus of course the fact that i really don't like a lot of vegetarian stuff, at least not enough to attempt to eat it when a hot dog made of meat is so much better tasting than vegan meatlike dogs... (even the NAME says gross). So, with vegetarianism off the table, OBVIOUSLY veganism isn't going to swing with me... i mean... though i have a vegan friend (coincidentally the same individual who let me know that my food choices are soon to be a thing of the past) and I have willingly tried a vegetarian meal or two, and even enjoyed them, but still, some of that stuff just looks too gross to put in or on my body (not that chicken would look good ON me.... digressing).

i don't eat a terribly large amount of food, so telling me now that i have to take all beef and soon enough, peanut products (OMG, i have become a peanut statistic!!!!  come on people, it's not like i hate people with peanut allergies, they can't help it... but dammit! can't you like live in a bubble so that i can feed my kid's peanut butter fricken sandwhiches (which btw is the ONLY thing the little ahem.... darlings would eat at school...) that said.. i don't take for granted my ability to EAT nuts... and now.... no nuts?!?!?!)

what is the world coming to!!!

Sky train

I seldom drive into Vancouver. There are a couple of reasons for this... the gas in my cute little lunch buggy is ridiculous! Seriously 70 dollars to fill the tank?? I gotta take it in its making some kind of strange sound.  Another reason is that I don't like city driving. I don't want to pay parking... where I park its cheap (no I'll never tell str8 up, people keep trying to one up me on low traffic areas)... and really... sometimes I just want to be... not concentrate on other drivers trying to arrive alive!!

But yes, the sky train...that is, after all what I am writing about...

Last week I met some girls on the train... I recall their names and their faces... cloe, Susan, Ali and (shit... I lied.... I forget a name....) they were off to the Madonna concert all beautiful and young.  I wish I were young like that :-)

These beautiful girls seem to flock together don't they.... its like mercury in a thermometer isn't it??   Here they were.... Ali's red shorts and matching red lipstic.... Cloe's dark hair... the classic beauty of Susan... the girl who's name escapes me.... so beautiful.... I once knew q girl who looked like that... her name was carol... I thought... as a heavy girl, that she was a snob.... and so I avoided her... it turned out that she liked me from afar... silly assumptions. 

The girl on the end gave me the idea for this post.... as I read my Facebook pretending to ignore these beautiful girls I heard her say in a manly voice... BEFORE I BECAME A MAN"

These girls were all of the things I grew up being jealous of.... and yet in the back of my mind...carol speaks to me...reminding me that looks can be deceiving and discriminating against beautiful girls because of their beauty is the same as discriminating against me on the basis of my being heavy...

So, ladies... thank you for being beautiful... thank you for being you and thank you for reminding me that not everything is as it seems.

On weight

The Surgeon General has declared war on me. I am an obese person and the Surgeon General and all his cohorts have decided that my body and Osama Bin Laden, weapons of mass destruction, terrorists and genocidal maniacs are all on the same plain of existence. My weight threatens the world. The United States of America is so afraid of me that my weight, and I ranked above the possibility of the extinction of a species of animals. What has brought the world to this? Read the newspapers at any given time there is a study going on somewhere in America showing that my weight can cause anything from heart attacks and strokes to breast cancer and diabetes, there was even an article about having overweight friends leading to weight problems. I want to declare war on the media, on fast food, on people who have the audacity to declare war on me because of the size of my underwear! I will go on the news, petition the government, hold rallies, write to the paper. I will go to the schools and show the children in kindergarten how unnecessary it is to have the media. I will picket fast food restaurants, throw tomatoes at insensitive people.

I wake up in the morning just like you, I can walk down the street, count my fingers and my toes, have friends, I can even pass gas and it doesn't threaten anyone's existence and it certainly shouldn't be on the top 10 most wanted list. If Osama Bin Laden hadn't have bombed the twin towers President Bush would have gone on National Television and explained the necessity of hunting down obese persons and ending their control on the US. The war has taken many forms from behind the door sneers to outward comments discouraging me from being proud of who I am. Fat discrimination is the most widely accepted form of discrimination there is. The Fat Acceptance movement has taken hold bringing to the attention of those looking for it, the fact that 60% of North Americans are considered to be at an unhealthy weight, but lets take a look at that. What makes the general populous fall into a catagory that is generally accepted as dangerous to the rest of the world? In the past were all the people in the world thin or at a desirable weight? When did the BMI come into effect and when did it begin to dictate to the world's population that more than half of the worlds' inhabitants were on a slow road to Hell?

Fat Acceptance is a large movement, if you'll excuse the pun, holding seminars and gatherings throughout the United States and Canada where some of the largest people live. At the gatherings the BBW or Big Beautiful Women and BHM or Big Handsome Men and their admirers gather together in a week long fat extravaganza taking over hotels and restaurants, buses and taxis, airports and vehicles. Obese people from all over North America get together and celebrate their existence one or more times per year to bask in their acceptance. The message of the Fat Acceptance movement? Exactly what the name indicates, we are fat, we accept it and so should you.

The pockets of the medical profession are bulging with Fat money, the media has gone “hog wild” over the half tonne teen, mom and man, the Biggest Loser is one of the most popular shows on television. Once a week the general population sits down in front of their TVs eating their munchies, and gasp at how big so and so is, how much weight so and so lost and whispers of “How can they let themselves get so big?” can be heard behind closed doors. Big people watch with apprehension or anticipation wondering why if Ally can do it they can't, hoping inside that the biggest loser is still fat at the end or shaking their heads knowing that those people's weight loss may happen quickly but it is after the show that counts, not while they are “on the ranch”. The 80's and 90's were cruel to Fat kids, parents sending their kids to the Fat Camps where they survived on too few calories and all the fun was taken out of sports, counselors helped the kids to see how unhealthy fast food was by showing them pictures of morbidly obese people who couldn't get out of bed and hammering it into their heads that that is where fast food was taking them. Eating disorders replaced baby fat and will power became a power that kids couldn't control and didn't want to because after all, they were finally “normal”. When did starving to death, always being hungry and worrying about every single thought you have about food become the new “normal”?

The media's pockets bulge along side the pockets of the medical professions, sponsorships from McDonald's and Burger King, Jared and Subway, always food commercials all day long. McDonald's spent over 5 million dollars to air a 30 second commercial during Superbowl Sunday. Two women in New York tried to sue McDonald's for “making them fat” and everyone laughed it away. Think for a minute about the last time that you watched tv, did you see food commercials? I sat and counted once for an hour, how many food commercials were aired during the time of whatever particular show I was watching. In an average of 20 minutes of commercials there were approximately 62 commercials, of those 62 commercials 45 of them were for food. The girls should have sued the media producers, they had it all wrong.

Someone must be held accountable for the hatred and disgust displayed towards heavy people. If you sit in the park and feed the pigeons you can see the similarity with humans, looking at those pigeons you will see all different color pigeons, some will be grey and white, some grey and blue, others still white. Some of those pigeons will have pink eyes and some will have black and some of those pigeons will be bigger than the others, some will be so small they look like babies and some will be halfway between or “average” size. Do you honestly think that the bigger pigeons got that way because they ate 10 times as much as the average and 20 times as much as the small pigeons? People and pigeons, cats, dogs, cattle, trees, we are all on the same plain, some of us are one way and some of us are other ways, that's just the way it is. With every living thing no two things are identicle, there has to be something to differentiate it all. Even the planets are different sizes, not because those planets enveloped too many stars, not because they ATE anything, they just are different sizes. There doesn't need to be Fat Acceptance, just a ban on Fat discrimination.