2012....nope.... 2013

Hey everyone, and first let me say that I hope that this holiday season has been good to you and you didn't get THAT COLD that is going around... I hear it's a doozy.

That said... I am on a tangent, I am on a mission, I am ready willing and able.

Tomorrow is 2013... I can't believe it... where did the year go?  I sat here this morning trying to think of all the things that have happened to me this year... and it is immense... when I think back to where I was this night a year ago... this was not it..... but believe it or not... I don't remember where I was.

I decided that rather than making New Year's resolutions,.... instead of creating a list of obligations that are far out of reach (loose 200 lbs and be PERFECT blah blah blah), thereby setting myself up to fail which always ends up with me being disappointed in myself.... instead of THAT list, I would list what I have done over the past year, to ensure that I remember that......

I AM A BEAUTIFULL WOMAN AND I HOLD THE KEY TO WHO I AM!!!!

(is it just me or did you just TOTALLY hear that "da da da daaaaaa" music??? but.. I digress)

So to remind me, and to show you the strength that I have shown, the intelligence, the beauty I have created.... I will instead acknowledge how far I have come and how much i CAN accomplish when I put enough effort into it.

1) I went to Cuba... I flew on an airplane, with my then partner, and celebrated my birthday in a tropical place..... the beauty there, the people, the food.  Going with my ex even, that trip will be always remembered with beauty and love.... I recommend you go at some point, just sit down on the bench and watch the people walk by (and watch your wallet for sure).  The people don't speak much english, and for goodness sake, remember to bring toilet paper and hand sanitizer.... but I have no complaints and am truly PROUD of me for facing my fears of swimming in the ocean, flying long distance, being in a foreign country and went to CUBA.. It was perfect!

2) I ended an abusive relationship that in the end was toxic to us both but has taught us both so much.  I am proud of myself for taking myself out of that... for moving past the pain, for forgiving myself and forgiving her..... for standing up for myself when I didn't' do wrong and ADMITTING to my own abusive behaviour... I learned from that relationship, more about me than I ever thought possible, up to and including how strong I can be.

3) I cleared up 30% of my debt and took responsibility for clearing up a financial mess that i have left too long.

4) I have learned more about my children and where we all are in our own lives and where we are in each other's lives.  I see that both my children are working on where they are in their lives and see that my life, my actions, my decisions affect them every day, and am clearly working on making things better and heathier even if I have to drag them along kicking and screaming!! (I jest.... if you have seen my son you would know, i would not POSSIBLY be able to pull that boy, but I could probably hop on his shoulders and use a riding crop....... KIDDING.... GEEEZ)

5) I dreaded my hair..... I have wanted dreads since I was 10 years old and everyone told me that it was dirty, nasty, smelly, looked terrible, was a bad idea... and I allowed THEM to decide how my hair would be..... but I have taken control of ME... and dreaded my hair and I LOVE it... and so does everyone else!!! 

6) I drove up the interior on mountains and in tunnels WITH ME DRIVING.... to see my uncle in Williams lake and only panicked 2 times each way (that IS and accomplishment... previously I was FAR to afraid)...and I drove to PRINCETON by myself... in the middle of the night... and was standing 10 feet away from a FAMILY of wild deer..... and they LET me watch them....

7) I remembered spirituality and how it makes me feel, which returned me to the church.  I know that there is a higher power, whatever it may be.... I do not, for one second believe all of the beauty is an accident.... and I don't care who knows it.

*****DRUM ROLL PLEASE*****

8) I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!

I want to give proper credit to me.... to the people in my life who have proven to be faithful friends and chosen family.  thank you to my children, for not hating me TOO much (i know... there are days)... to my sister for haivng that baby.... to my nephew for extending an olive branch.... I wantt o thank my pseudo mom... for letting me stomp my feet when I needed to and talking me through it.  I want to send a million thank you's to my counselor... I also want to thank you for reading my blog... for telling me what you think, for spreading the word.... I love that you enjoy what I say, .. and to the babies.... who bring me back to love and innocents... trust and beauty....

See you next year!!!

Well, THAT'S out of the way.....

Well, Christmas is done... thank goodness!  I hate the holiday freaking out, the mood swings, the being forcefully cheery when you simply want to snuggle into bed with a cup of coffee, someone warm and a calm movie.... I suppose I want those things because they are things I have never had in my life... maybe those things aren't what they are cracked up to be... so I will make an effort... I will go out on a limb, as it were, and admit that I loved the crazy 2 day madness....

Christmas for me is so many different things, as I am sure it is for all of you.  I have so many memories from childhood and adulthood, from my kids' faces to the presents from my dad when I was 7..... The foods I ate reminded me so much of life as it has been and not as it is... there were things missing... that brought me back to reality.  No sweet Potatoe pie... my father's recipe.. No green onion casserole, my step father's, no beets, (my mom) or yams (tammy) no ham (keasha) or turnips (my grandma)....

And yet it was one of the Christmas' that I will remember most... I will remember this Christmas that not everything is as it seems and it takes very little to make the most of a situation.  I will remember that people may hurt you, they may emotionally throw you on the ground and stomp on you, but if they EVER cared about you, they might surprise you with an apology that is from the heart... I will rmember opening the gift bags in my room at 2 in the morning and sleeping till noon.  I will remember the wonderful people who came by, had a bite to eat, just visited.  I will remember chocolate pecan clusters and homemade brownies; banana bread and turkey gravy.  I will remember my family together in one place for a prolonged period of time and no one killing each other.

I will remember the feeling when a friend offered me a way to give my children Christmas because she knew I was in trouble and they weren't having it... i will remember thinking that I ruined Christmas for my kids and vowing to do better next year.  I will remember Turkey dinner everywhere... wine, smiling, hugs and candy... the kindness that I hear about was here, in my home, in my heart, and I loved it.

This christmas I was reminded that you don't need EVERYTHING to make you feel like SOMETHING.. you don't have to be in love in order to feel love at Christmas time.  I was reminded that a cuddle with my kid is worth the dirty looks.  That singing and dancing with my kids makes it all seem ok again.

This special holiday I was brought full circle to infants in my arms, the smell of their soft skin and the sound of their electronic toys making Christmas what it was meant to be....

Thanks, to everyone in my life, for being here in my life.  For offering me a reminder that love is worth all  the ups and downs, cuz there's nothing better..

Merry Christmas everyone!!

One person

Can one person really make a difference?  Is one really the lonliest?  I want to stop and think about that for a minute...

I mean, I know some people who are introverted, so therefore prefer most of their time on their own, but I can't honestly say I know ANYONE who never wants to be around ANYONE....Oh, I'm sure there are people as such, I just don''t happen to know any of them..... again... I digress.

So I have been spending a lot of time alone as of late.  I am not an introvert... I LOVE to be around people... that said, as of late, I have been spending a lot of time thinking.... what a dreadful pasttime don't you think?  Being trapped in my mind, the way it works, that's not such a great thing... but I have been thinking... mostly because honestly... I am in a REALLY bad place in my life... I am struggling with mental health issues, and just want to stop for a moment a lot of time.  Now... not one to back down from a challenge.... I have been foraging ahead and when something goes wrong, well I just fall down, get up, brush myself off and move forward...

That is SO hard sometimes... and knowing that I am alone and I am going to be doing these things and dealing with these problems alone, it seems to be very overwhelming.... So I sat down the other day and I just thought about it... and midst the tears and the negativity, a little thought occurred... a voice, as it were, that if i didn't have SO many things I am dealing with ALL at once, it wouldnt be so overwhelming, and I could keep looking forward and working toward where I need to go...

I know it isn't just me who rants to a friend or feels despair and have had their friend console them by saying it isn't "that" bad???  and don't you just wand to scream into the phone, online, in the face of your friend that it IS THAT BAD DAMMIT!!! so... in the interest of lessoning the "BAD" in my life, I thought to myself... if someone else could worry about X or Y I could figure out A or B... and then I thought about other people and the things that are going on for them... because though my life feels as though it is the center of the univers, I TRULY care about other people too.... anyway, I realized that many people in my life feel overwhelmed.. many people are at their wit's end... just feeling alone... I know how hard that is and what it feels like... so then I thought... I FEEL better when I meet someone else's needs.  I know when I can ease someone else's stress part of me.... deep inside... is happy.... even if just for a minute... just giving someone that second of relief from something that LIKELY feels huge... and from this... I devised a thought pattern....

Why not offer what I HAVE.... a skill, a minute, just something that someone else might just NEED and not have money to pay for.... just human interaction... a person helping another.... because... you see.... I have heard a lot about the 99% and that WE ARE the 99%... we do 99% of the work but control only 1% of the money... but.... why is it ALL about the money?  Wouldn't it be easier living in the 99% if it WASNT about that?  if you knew that you COULD find someone in your life to help you out?  Not always.. not on a constant basis... but just TODAY... when you are overwhelmed... just to take a couple of things of your plate RIGHT NOW...?  Wouldn't getting up tomorrow feel a little bit better?  Facing another day wouldn't be such a drain if you had 1 or 2 LESS things on your plate....

You know, when you fall on hard times, financially, have you ever noticed that you have certain friends who's homes you can invite yourself to for dinner?  why not be that home for someone in the new year?...

I read today, the following;

“I would like to say that according to the Mayan Calendar the 21st of December marks the end of the time and the beginning of no-time. It is the end of the Macha and the beginning of the Pacha. It is the end of selfishness and the beginning of brotherhood. It is the end of individualism and the beginning of collectivism… the 21st of December this year. The scientists know very well that this marks the end of an anthropocentric life and the beginning of a biocentric life. It is the end of hatred and the beginning of love. The end of lies and the beginning of truth. It is the end of sadness and the beginning of joy. It is the end of division and the beginning of unity.”

- Evo Morales, President of Bolivia to the UN General Assembly, 67th Session, 2012”

So.... I say... let's begin this brother/sisterhood... because i don't want to be alone all the time either and sometimes I need someone too.... and it's ok to admit that...

Some changes are coming

Well,

Some people know and others don't, but December 21, 2012 is the end of the world as we know it.... so I am making some changes to watch out for!!

In the coming weeks, I will have a new website where you can check out different areas of my life including my experiment....

I'm really looking forward to connecting with with you soon!!

hey.... are you gonna eat that?

So I have started several different blogs tonight, some for Christmas, one for love, one on laughter… and then I took a look at a post of a picture I put on Facebook showing two women who, for all intents and purposes, portray the stereotypical lesbian couple of one feminine woman and one who was more masculine….

A few people commented on the picture but I noted something about it…. The first comment noted how hot one of the women was, but how thin she might be.  Now, don’t get me wrong, this is nothing against noting that, but when it was pointed out that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, the next comment sarcastically cited “anorexia” as beautiful…. I was truly taken aback….

I recently went outside of my “type” in the community, setting aside physical attributes and concentrating first on who a person was and no longer taking anyone automatically out of things based on my “preference” of bigger women who wore glasses, had short dark hair and were more masculine…. I decided to just meet women and see if we hit it off based on who we were.  On this journey I have met some great women and I had the pleasure of getting to know a woman who in the past would have been on the “no” pile because she was substantially smaller than I.  Though I felt big and clunky with her, and even a bit shy, I realized those were MY issues, not hers.

You see, my older sister is also substantially smaller than I.  The family joke is that she has my metabolism as well as her own as she struggles to keep weight on and I struggle to keep from creeping any higher….  But this isn’t about me and my size currently.  This is particularly about thinner women… Now don’t get me wrong, no offense to all the thin women, I don’t want to pump ya’ll up higher than you get to be put by society but I do want to recognize that though society states that thin is in and obesity is the epidemic, thin women kind of get a bad rap.  Some of ya’ll deserve it with your “I’m far more desirable because I am thin” attitudes, however I know enough of you to know that a lot of those attitude really hide something deep and dark. 

Thin women seldom like their own body… WHAT?!?!?!?  It’s true… and here I am and was, sitting on the side thinking how great it must be to be thin for most of my life… but the truth is… a lot of them don’t like their bodies either….. Whether it be extra skin, or freckles, stretch marks or scars, loose skin from weight loss or strangely shaped moles that  had to be removed…. Nobody seems to like their body.

Now, I was raised by my mid to large size mother with my extra large sister and my EXTRA EXTRA small sister and my small brother.  My extra large sister developed an eating disorder at 16… she became my extra small sister, but being thin didn’t make her happier, she still killed herself… even though she was thin….. it didn’t bring her happiness… but I digress.  My XXS sister has always been approximately HALF of me… thankfully not in height (I’m not that tall, though that would have made her an EXTRA FAT short person... anyway, she has been half my weight pretty much since I was about 17 or 18…. My brother is also in the “0.5% body fat” group… lucky me… OBESITY!!!... again… digressing….

But, because I am a thin woman living inside a fat woman, I do like to live vicariously through my thin sister… except, while doing so, I have noticed something…. People… women especially… are just as mean and nasty to really THIN women as they are to women like myself who are fat….. so the saying that you can never be too rich or too thin is not true… because being too thin puts you in the undesirable department along with the big girls, women with massive facial hair, different size boobs, extra long labia, buck tooth, knock kneed, etc, etc, etc....

But I have noticed something else…. I have noticed that if a woman is fat (like your’s truly….) they are undesirable because of that fact… and finding someone who loves you for YOU is hard… someone who doesn’t tell you that they like you for your personality but that they find YOU hot and sexy in all your chunkiness…. Damn near impossible… add to that walking down the street to rude comments… ugh… the list goes on and we could talk about it for days… but I have also noticed that if a woman is thin (like my itty bitty sister)… she is undesirable because of that fact…. And we ALL encourage people to judge that…. 

Not ALL super thin women are anorexic or bulimic.  Not ALL women who wear a size 00 starve themselves… and not ALL women who are small did ANYTHING at all to get that way…. It’s simply the way that their bodies are made.  Some of the biggest eaters I know are thin…. And some of the smallest eaters I know are heavy….. and if you think about it, I bet you can honestly say the same thing…. Do you really think all of your thin, healthy appetite friends are throwing up?  No, because if they look “healthy” you don’t think anything of it…. If they are naturally within the proper weight/height ratio….

Those women were thin… yes they were… they were not MY type… but they were beautiful women… I didn’t like the clothes they were wearing, they looked dropped on the women’s bodies… but it wasn’t’ about their bodies, it was about how poorly the clothing fit…

 

I don’t know what it is…. But people come in EXTREME sizes now a days…. Super, super thin, and mondo, amazingly big… and they are beautiful because they are people…. But we need to stop lookin at a person’s size as though that depicts who a person is or if they are or aren’t healthy. 

Why not go out today and meet someone who fits into your stereotypical “no go” group and ask them out on a date… go for coffee and get to know them… who cares how big they are or aren’t… get to know someone new just because…. Base it on who they are not the size of their pants… and give people a break….. 

Behind the mask

Today is a shit day....  I have wrestled with myself all day long on what to do about it.... whether to tell anyone, how to deal with it on my own and you know what... at the end of the day... I don't care.

I try to keep it all to myself.... I wake up in the morning and I take my pills like a good girl and remind myself that today will be a good day and know deep down that if it isn't a good day... well.... too damn bad.... Nobody's problem but my own.... And then I yell at my kid to get out of bed, yell some more, TRY to drink a cup of coffee, yell some more... hope that I have time to take the dog out... or see if I have treats so I can take her to work, yell some more, shower... if I am lucky.... yell SOME MORE... message my friend that the wanda bus is leaving, go out the door, bang on the kid's window, yell for him to get up ONE MORE TIME, get in the car... sometimes with the dog... and sometimes without... and go.. probably running behind... to work.

Now, I have honestly tried to not talk about it anymore.  Not to complain, to comment, to bring it to anyone's attention because at the end of the day, it's nobody's problem but mine.  You can turn off your monitor, mute my voice, unfriend me, or simply not read my stuff.  You can hang up the phone, walk away, make an excuse, let your battery die and let me deal with the life that I live.

But I have to be honest right this minute... I am sick to death of keeping it to myself.  I am tired of pretending I am ok when I am not so that other people don't have to really care.... Because if others had to REALLY care, had to hear it, had to live my life, they wouldn't want to either... I mean... who would?  I know it sucks to hear that I feel terrible, that I sat at work this morning and cried until I had no tears left.  I know that it makes people uncomfortable to feel as though I can't trust friendship... I can TOTALLY understand the apprehension that comes along with being my friend.... but for once... just for this second... I simply don't have it in me to care how it will affect someone else to know how shitty it is behind the mask that I put on for other people's benefit.

Now... dont' get me wrong... don't get all up in arms about my statement... It is no one and everyone in particular, nothing said, nothing noted... it isn't as if someone actually said "i don't want to hear about your life"... well, no...that's not true... people HAVE actually said it, but that didn't trigger it today...... but I know... I know how much drama comes along with knowing me....

I want to believe that being in my life is worth the drama... the days where I cry for no reason, the yelling at my kid, the dismay that I can't quite hide behind a mask of not caring when once again the ONE THING I asked to be left alone was taken by someone OTHER THAN my kids.... the distrust I am slow to push aside after finding out that some mystery person broke into my house while I was at work and watched adult movies... because no one IN my house would do it....  I want to believe that listening to me yell at my 17 yr old for 45 minutes doesn't make OTHER PEOPLE upset too.  I want to trust that when something really is wrong that I know I can turn to someone.... but the fact is... I can't.  I turn to this...to a blog... not that there are not people I know who read it... but to anonymity because sometimes the positive thoughts of people who aren't there, who don't believe they have me figured out... is what I need to go home after work, have my dinner, go to bed and wake up and do it all again.

Today is a hard day and I am sure that by tomorrow I will have put it all where it goes and put it away again so that i can stamp it down to where it can stay either out of mind or at the very least, in a place where I need to pay very little attention to it.  But for today... today it's all there, it's all at the top of my mind, taking over everything, and I am struggling to compartmentalize what needs to be so that I can focus on what needs focusing.  I get that God doesn't give you more than you can handle... well, I'm thinking God has lost his damn mind (blasphemy I know) because I CAN'T handle this and I wish he would pay attention....

sigh.... tomorrow's a new day... I just have to make it through today.

Disposable December

Today, December 4, 2012 my step mother died..  she didn't die of Cancer.  She was not the victim of random violence, or gang wars.  Her life wasn't cut short by a serial killer.  She hasn't fought a long hard battle with MS... Her heart did not fail her... or perhaps that is exactly what happened....

My Step-mother... the woman who knew more of my father than anyone else in the world, the woman who was my link to a past hazy with abuse and only shiny lights of my father.... asked me not to call her any more after today... ever.... I stopped... I won't call..... I needed a minute.

My parents were together only when we were little... My baby sister (15 months younger than me) was 2 when they split up... and I don't ever remember them in the same place at the same time again until the day that same sister died 18 years later.

My father died in December of 2004.  8 years... time flies... sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday... other times it was so long ago I don't remember him at all.  A week before he died he called me to give me trouble for having had too many phone numbers, and that's the truth..... I believe, with everything in me, that he knew he wasn't going to last long and though he didn't feel like telling me, he wanted to make sure that my step mother could.... When I pointed out that most people wipe out the old number when given a new one, he told me not to get lippy.  A week later he was dead.... We went to the funeral, everyone told me how much he and my step mother talked about me and how much I looked like him.  I remember I was sick that day, and truth be told... I was high.... My sister and I got high on the way to the funeral and I felt terrible afterwards... and yet, somewhere in there, I didn't feel too bad, it wasn't, after all like he cared one way or another.  Part of me held the shame that I believe all kids have when they disrespect their parents.... but I felt that little surge of power..... again... as usual.... i digress.

My sister died in December of 1996.  She was 20 year's old.... I miss her every day... Not a crying dramatic, world renowned sobbing way... but her... her heart, her breath, her presence... She took her own life, and it was a day that brought our family together again however briefly... for December.

 I feel as though December has robbed me of so much.... and yet...

Yet this is the month where it is better to give than to receive.... this month, which, if you celebrate it (and I do) Christmas, the season, love and joy, peace and happiness are the themes.  This month, families gather around the tree, or whichever other icon they may or may not worship or family and such around..... (being PC is not easy but it IS expected) This month more people go to church, we pray a little bit more, we love a little bit more, we give a little bit more.  This month, we gather together, to celebrate our families and friends... we share food and laughter.... and we are happy....

I feel as though I owe December something..... and yet......

Yet I can't stop feeling the hurt of disappointment hearing my final link, final connection to a father I barely knew break and fall to the ground.... I can't help feeling the sadness of a small child wondering what I did to warrant her taking herself away from me... didn't I show her that she too was important to me?

In the spirit of giving.... I forgive her for unfriending me in real life... because it's all I have that she wants.....