coming through hatred

Your coming out stories         

Recently I was privileged enough to read someone’s coming out story.  I am floored.  I am a “lucky” one.  Me being gay didn’t matter to anyone.

My heart is torn with feeling, with anger at people for hurting others in the name of ignorance!  I am hurting.. Hurting that others, people whom I am lucky enough to have in my life have been degraded and hurt because of who they are when it should not matter!  I am deep down ashamed… Ashamed of the human race and lack of compassion in a group of humans….

I don’t have a special coming out story.  I didn’t have a moment when I went “aha” and knew I was gay… yes, honestly, making love with a woman EXPLAINED SOOOO MUCH… but it wasn’t a big deal.  In the greater scheme of things, my sexual exploits were the least of my mother’s worries… My father didn’t quite know but then again, he didn’t NOT know either, we simply never discussed it.  He didn’t want to know about my sex life anymore than I wanted to know about his so it didn’t exist.

Since then I have “come out” I suppose, but not really.  I have made no effort to share with the world the fact that I am gay, though I make no effort to hide it.  who I sleep with, whom I love, whom I choose to share my life with is none of anyone’s business but mine and the one whom I choose.  That said… I hear and read and learn the struggles that some of my friends have gone through, the level of impersonal and downright hurtful family and friends in this world brings tears of frustration to my eyes.

I suppose, being me, I may have people dislike me but I don’t notice.  Fact is… I don’t care, I assume everyone likes me, and everyone wants to know that I LOVE women, that I masturbate, that I hate kids, that I am constantly shocked by how messy/angry/belligerent/rude/stupid/idiotic/fun/funny/loving people are.  I honestly don’t’ notice if it is the dreaded TMI, however reading and hearing and thinking about other people’s coming out stories just floors me in the sense that there are still people who are THIS ridiculous!

I see how family members disown their family as though who their child/sister/brother/mother/father is has suddenly become someone not worthy of love on the basis of what they do in bed.  What gets me is that these people don’t REALLY break this shit down.  That’s what they are angry about… YOU DISOWNED YOUR KID BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE HOW HE FUCKS!..... How can these people not see the ridiculousness of it.  It isn’t because of who your son/daughter/friend LOVES… they love YOU… if you are a brother, or a friend or a father or a son, you LOVE ANOTHER MAN.  If you are a mother or a sister or a daughter or a aunt, you have LOVED ANOTHER WOMAN… what the fricken issue is boils down to what your family/friend does IN BED.

Well, let me just put this into perspective for you people who are so “on your high horse”…. I think what YOU DO in bed is gross TOO!  I think that your “normal” love making is boring and overbearing and repetitive.  I don’t find pleasure in it, I don’t want to see it, hear about it, be a part of it… but you know… I respect YOU enough and care about YOU enough as a human being to say that if it makes YOU happy THAT is what is important to me. 

Normally I have this lesson learning message.  I start out with what is bothering me, and end with something positive, thought provoking and uplifting and yet today I find myself unable to do it.  Unable to learn a lesson from the hatred of others.  I find myself unable to positively twist and turn this information, this seldom talked about subject.  I find nothing in here…. I am hurting…. Hurting for girls like Mallory and boys like Matthew.  I find myself aching for GLBTQ youth who are taking their lives…. Because of how petty people are… and how hurtful.  I do not wish illwell on anyone, no matter their views about whomever… I am saddened by the world in which I live in and I find myself struggling to find the sliver of light in this cloud…. It is hanging too low today.

To everyone who is being ostracized because of who you are… remember… when it is LOVE it is all the same.  When someone STOPS loving you because you don’t live the way THEY want you to, it is THEIR thing, not yours.  There is no reason to hide who you are to please them.  If they can’t hate because of this, they will find another reason.  All you can do is hold your head up high and know that some of us out there are in awe of your bravery, of your strength and of your resilience.

Thank you… for all you do.

You probably won't believe this.....

I have to admit something to you…. I have lied to you, I have lied to everyone for years…. I have told everyone how much confidence I have, joked and laughed with all of you, made you smile and brought tears to your eyes…. But…here it is….

I do NOT have a great self esteem.  I am NOT actually that confident.  In most situations, I really have to force myself to step up to the plate…. To take that first step in the door at the bar I am so bravely arriving at by myself.  I have to tell myself over and over again that a girl isn’t going to think I am nuts if I ask her for coffee.  I look at myself in the mirror repeatedly, wondering how that pimple got there….

I don’t like to be nekkid in front of people… I don’t want to take my clothes off for sex.  Don’t get me wrong, I can WANDER AROUND the house nekkid, I can USUALLY even dance nekkid, I love a good strip tease… but I would rather that people (someone intimate of course) didn’t look…

I know that in person I will talk all about how you have to love yourself and that you need to know that you are loved and all the rest, however, I am not so unrealistic that I don’t realize that when it all comes down to it, what people say to and about you really does change how you look at yourself.  Case in point, my daughter.  She is BEAUTIFUL… I WISH I looked like her.  She has (in my opinion) the perfect shape, she is just the right tall, she has beautiful skin and gorgeous blue eyes.  She’s blonde (as a black woman, THIS IS MY ENVY) and has curls that are sweet (though she straightens them).  She is a bigger girl, however, she looks in proportion to her size, she is what used to be regarded, I suppose as “husky” or “big boned”.  I think she is amazingly beautiful, graceful and when she grows up, some guy is going to fall all over himself for her…. she won’t believe him because what other people say to and about her shapes how she feels about herself.

We tell people that no one can tell them how they can and can’t feel, tell them not to worry about what other people say but then we are hurt by exactly that.  There were studies done on youth stating that raising a child with positive reinforcement is better for their self esteem.  Yet for every negative thing said/told/pointed out about a person, 20 positive things were needed to counteract that.  But we tell people not to be hurt by it?  We tell people who feel uncomfortable with eating in public that they are free to do so but don’t’ consider how it feels when some asshole teenager (or adult really) comes up and tells them to stop eating or calls them a pig under their breath or makes thumping noises when they walk by.  Who wouldn’t that hurt?  I mean, take the most popular kid in school, everyone likes them, they have a great home life (ok, hypothetically speaking here people) and every day for a month point out something negative about them, and get 3 of your friends to do the same every OTHER day.  At the end of the month there will have been 75 negative statements about one thing about that super confident person; now ask how they feel.  See if they now look in the mirror and see JUST that thing that is wrong or not…. This is how the negativity feeds your fear and destroys your self esteem.

I am currently nervous, for various reasons, however, I know having quit smoking I have gained some weight… as a matter of fact, someone who was once close to me pointed that fact out, just in case I hadn’t noticed (well, fuck you very much too)…. But I digress… she pointed out that I gained weight… I have been big forever…. I am used to being overweight, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t CARE about it… I have just accepted it.  Every day since she pointed out my weight gain I look in the mirror to see if I have gained more girth to my already large body….  The thought of being nekkid bothers me… the thought of someone SEEING me up close and personal gives me palpitations… because I have a low self esteem when it comes to body image.  I know that my body is not everyone’s cup of tea… I know that gravity has done a phenomenal job of putting things SLIGHTLY below (and off to the left) of where they should be… my body claps if I run down the stairs too quickly, my thighs get sweaty and rub together ruining the inner thigh of my clothing… I get that… but how does that fare for making love?  How does that work when you are taking your clothes off with someone new?  What made me self conscious?  Me, who can stand on a stage and make you all laugh, who can write a blog that makes people think for hours sometimes, and makes them look at me in a different light.   Why do I have a low self esteem?

When in relationships I seem to run into a number of problems… the biggest of which is “lesbian bed death” which if you are a lesbian… you know about… and if you aren’t… it’s pretty straight forward from the title exactly what it is… but just in case you DON’T know… this is where two women who are in a loving committed lesbian relationship, usually living together (from my estimation at least) who no longer have sexual intimacy on a regular basis.  By regular basis I mean perhaps weekly… or even bi-weekly is pushing it.  Usually someone cries, or fights and the other “gives in” because they are fed up (or don’t… it happens) Now… one would think… then perhaps go back to hetero-sexuality… only… once we get past the penis part of it *shudder*….. I had the same problem THERE TOO. 

That’s right… when I was “straight” I had lesbian bed death with my ex BOYFRIENDS too… but again…. I digress… This blog is, of course about self esteem and how someone else’s words can sit beneath the surface and affect you negatively forever… or for a very long time at least….  When your partner isn’t your biggest supporter, your “cheerleader” as it were, it is easy to allow the negative things that they say shape the way you feel about yourself…. When your partner in a well meaning way tells you that your shirt “clings weird” to your stomach or “bright colors make you look bigger” rather than boosting you up, it is easy to allow their words to shape how you feel.

I readily admit that I am not the most confident person in the world… who is really?  I’m just as scared and self conscious as my daughter about how I look, and what a girl will think of me.  I am scared to take my clothes off in front of her, I wish I didn’t have this pimple on my chin.  I am worried that my chin hair is going to be a deal breaker… because my self esteem is damaged…. 

But you know what isn’t damaged?  My belief that even if I am too fat, or smell bad, or missing teeth… that I can’t keep house and am disorganized… that even if I don’t make a lot of sense and forget what I am saying often, if I forget to buy groceries because I was watching a movie.  My belief that who I am, imperfections and all DESERVES love and to be treated well.  My belief that if I were MY FRIEND… I would tell me that I am pretty awesome and there are things that I have to offer and anyone who can’t see that, isn’t worth the spit in the sand.  My belief that no one is perfect and everyone can find something wrong with themselves… that we all have our “things” that we don’t like about ourselves… is one that has determined that though what others have said has made me self conscious in the face of nudity (or potential nudity) that I worry that I talk too much or that my varicose veins look nasty… I still have an awful lot of awesome to offer to a person who accepts who I am and wants to know me as a person.

So bring it on… while I stamp down the self esteem assholes that pop up and make me want to run, lay it thick while I run around flipping shitty thoughts the bird, because Wanda deserves the world!

Am I THAT friend??

Ok... so lately I have had lots on my mind, which, if you are following my blog, I am sure you have figured out...  Today's post is about something that is pretty much always on my mind.

I have been really looking at my friends, and my interpretation of the term "friend" and what that means to me as opposed to what it means to others.... We all have different ideas of friendship and what that entails, however this is about me and what kind of person I am and my beliefs around that. 

We've all heard about the dreaded "all about me" friend... you know, that person whom you can spend time with, hang out with, talk to on the phone/internet in person but you KNOW deep down inside they don’t' actually give a damn about what you are saying.... in reality, all they are interested in is having you listen to what they are saying about their own lives... You can visibly see the interest fade from their eyes, the glazing effect so obvious that half way through your important/heart breaking story, your happy, proud moment trailing off as you realize you are wasting your time because whatever you are speaking of has NOTHING to do with the "all about me" friend...

Then there's the "pity me" friend, who actually differs from the "all about me" friend who in reality only notices who they are themselves... the "pity me" friend will complain about EVERYTHING... even things that really aren't a big deal...  If you point out that actually, that isn't a big deal and really not something to be feeling sorry for yourself about, then you are not sympathetic and are usually met with the "I don't know why I even talk to you about it" statement.  When you base your friendship on honesty, you can't win with this friend unless you lie... and that doesn't really sit well does it?

There's the "I know" friend who knows EVERYTHING, all that you are experiencing, all that is going on in your life... this friend (I have been this friend) is annoying to a whole different level, because sometimes you don't want to hear about how so and so figured out that your kid is doing drugs before u did, this points out, inside somewhere a failure on your part... or triggers one at the very least.  The "I know" friend is often referred to as the "know it all" friend. Somehow this friend can link your cat's urinary tract infection to some article that they read that applied to every animal they ever had so there is something wrong with YOU for not listening to their "educated" opinion.  It doesn't even have to matter that the only thing in common in this situation is that you both have a cat... this friend knows it all...

There's the "center of attention" friend... not to be mistaken for either the "pity me" or the "all about me" friends because the center of attention friend makes EVERYONE pay attention to them all the time, sometimes going so far as to stop what everyone is doing so that all attention is glued to them... they may even tell you how much you love them, how funny they are, how cute, how well rounded... (DEFINITELY HAVE BEEN THIS FRIEND)... the "center of attention" friend doesn't really pay attention to you, but grabs on to certain things you say, interrupts you while you are speaking to point out something vaguely in common to start their own tangent.  This friend looks for situations where most people's attention is on one thing; they somehow take that one thing out of the picture, and then make it all about being the center of attention.

There's the "non-committal" friend... DEFINITELY been this friend... they don't' commit to anything.  Sometimes there are valid reasons (finances, conflicting date) but sometimes they just don't' want to spend time with you but don't know how to tell you... perhaps they only "tolerate" you and committing to spending time with you in an environment not of their choosing (because perhaps you are the all about me friend) is not something they are prepared to do.

There's also the "can you do me a favor" friend... it seems as though you are only in their life for what you can do FOR them?!?!  If you ask them for a favor it is a free for all because you asked... because "remember that time you needed x and y... good thing I was there"  The "can you do me a favor" friend is pretty crafty in calling in said favors... by the time they call it in you have been lulled into thinking that they did you that favor out of the "goodness of their heart" but you notice that they only call on you when you are needed and that you have to work 3 times as hard to make up for that favor they once granted you because their back is bad and they STILL helped you out that time....

There's the "one who you aren’t' even sure why you are friends" friend... perhaps it is just because you don't know how to remove them from your life without making a huge big deal about it... You made the mistake of considering too many people friends and by the time you are ready to grow up and remove people whom you don't really like from your life, suddenly they decide you are the best friend they ever had... are so hurt that they cry and talk shit about you in the community because you were selfish...meanwhile, you have discovered that you eat only meat, they are vegan, you believe in gender roles, they don't; you smoke pot, they don't; they are heavy drinkers, that's not your scene.... and yet you keep them in your life because so many people you both know that you are friends so stopping having them in your life means that you keep a "friend" on FB because social media NOTIFIES people when you want to remove them.... WTF...

The "indifferent" friend just simply doesn't give a shit... they can be the same person as the friend you aren't sure why you are friends with  friend... because really... they don't care one way or the other.  Most times, the indifferent friend can be found agreeing with your FRENEMY on what a shitty person YOU are... but only behind your back because NONE of these people actually care one way or the other.... to your face the "indifferent" friend doesn't actually stand up for anything, they go with the flow and don't really deeply care about how things are going other than surface deep...Most indifferent friends don't know that they are indifferent.... they simply don't care....

"Frenemies" are friends to your face and enemies behind your back.... they are the friend who will talk shit about you to anyone and everyone who will listen but deny it when confronted by you.  They always have a valid reason why they were having this conversation with other people and somehow they were standing up for you to all these OTHER people who were talking about you and they are pretty sure that "everyone" knew how angry they were for the things that were being said.... Frenemies feign innocence when they believe that you are a liar, because they lie all the time, so they assume everyone else does too... they will BRAG about hating you, behind your back but will be greatly offended that you thought that they would say bad stuff about you....  I don't believe that I am anyone's frenemy... I tend to like people and if I don't, I ask people I do like how to get rid of people I DON'T like from my life...

Over the past few years I have had to really examine my definitition of friendship and reassess if I am the kind of friend I would want to have in my life.  It turns out, sometimes I am a bitch... sometimes I wouldn't speak to me because I am the "all about me" friend... other times I am the “indifferent” friend... I can be your "I know" friend because I have lots of knowledge, so if that means I have to bestow my awesomeness to someone less knowledgeable I will do that ( I have 2 children, and boy and a girl... they are teenagers... I know A LOT about kids from birth to 17... Some is tied in with stuff I don't like, but nonetheless... my suggestions may be knowledgeable.  I could be "center of attention" friend, and find most of the time I am that person.. I'm loud and silly... I am used to being the center of attention!!!  I am guilty of being the “non-committal” friend because I never really know from one moment to the next what I can do on a given day… stuff comes up… and I suppose, in reality, I have been a “frenemy” too because there are people who you know, and you KNOW that you can’t make them angry, or they will drag you down… so I will feign friendship to avoid being the person that they are currently bashing…

So I suppose for the next few days/weeks/months in my journey of self discovery, I need to figure out which friend I like the best, so that I can be that friend.... Not so sure I want to be most of these friends... but life would be boring if we didn't shake stuff up....

Until I figure it out, I will be the honest friend who doesn't mean to make things about me, I am not trying to be indifferent, and I just don't know what to say... I "know" too much sometimes, but like to give advice, listen or don't, it is up to you.... If I am the "do me a favor" friend (I have TOTALLY been this friend... I have some stuff needing done currently) I will at least OFFER compensation... not a favor in the future, but I will pay you whether with food or items, not with money.... but I'm a single mom...so I can't always pay but if I can pay you back, by all means, let's work something out... usually I will make you a kick ass dinner!!  I am trying really hard not to be the "pity me" friend but honestly, I have been pretty sad lately, but I am working on dealing with that on my own, because I KNOW it gets old... fast....
I guess... I will simply try to be the best friend I can possibly be, and hope that that is good enough.

No... actually, I DON'T have to understand....

Something is on my mind today.... Society sucks ass....

I suppose I need to qualify that, however I just wanted to put it out... right there, for anyone to see and I don't care if you like it, I don't have to understand how someone could take that wrong.

I say that society sucks ass because as of late some things have really been wreaking havoc on my mind.  There are some statements that I know you have all heard, and probably even stated at some point in your life, maybe even this week, or possibly TODAY.

Nice guys finish last
You need to be the bigger person
sucker for punishment
Bad things happen to good people...
only the good die you.

I am angry today, I am angry that I am a nice guy.  I am sick to death of being the bigger person, I'm good, BRING IT ON!

These statements were obviously created so that the "good" could explain the shitty people in the world.  The people who will cry and wine for attention... the people who are passive aggressive, never showing their true colors and even when they do, somehow convincing people that they aren't shitty people...  If you are reading this and you are that person, you know that you are... and yet you walk around behaving like a victim.

Nice guys do finish last... why?  why do the cruel guys finish first? Is it because they are not afraid to take out the nice guys to get what they want... and we, as a society, allow this?  Why do we tell those who have been wronged and just want a second to stand up for themselves, to stop being trodden all over that they need to be "the bigger person"... because society says to let the bad guys go.... is it because their bad behavior  is so bad that society as a whole just wants the bad gone so urgently that we will sit quietly on the side and allow the "littler" person go and tread on another?    Is it really not "worth it" for the downtrodden to stand up for themselves?  to feel as though they are NOT victims?  Why should that person who has been held under the thumb of cruelty be the "bigger" person?  By these statements, we should expect that the shitty people in the world should be rewarded by a free and clear path to success while the "bigger" victims continue being victimized by keeping quiet about the cruelty of others.

Why is someone who loves with their heart, who opens up and is vulnerable a "sucker for punishment"?  Why should being a  loving person make you a sucker?  and what is it about society that we need to PUNISH people who love?  Why are good, loving, kind people looked down upon and people who don't feel deeply are revered?   

Why don't Bad things happen to Bad people?  Why do the good people pay for this? These statements anger me because they imply that this is JUST the way it is... yet we, society, determines how the world works... it doesn't just happen... Bad things happen to everyone, sometimes these bad things happen to INNOCENT people because other people are BAD and they need to hurt others.  Obviously natural disasters, famine, war happen to everyone... good and bad... That said, we all know when we state that bad things happen to good people it is to excuse something MAN MADE (or woman made... never let it be said I am sexist) that is happening to an innocent... a "bigger" person...

The bad things that we refer to that happen to these innocent people are usually things that can be prevented but for the cruelty of others.  A single mother working for a tyrant is "downsized" because she doesn't want to stay late... that's a bad thing happening to a good person... a disgruntled student lies and has a teacher investigated for illegal immoral behavior when they didn't like the grade they were given... again... bad things.. happening to a good person... a victim of social stigma is ostracized for his mental health problems, and left to live on the streets... good person... bad thing happening...  An abusive person derailing the healing of their victim... BAD person causing a BAD thing to happen to a good person.... Bad things don't JUST happen...

I am tired of being a good person... of understanding, of "getting it".  I am sick to death of being the bigger person and walking away while people systematically destroy MY character because I am a sucker for punishment.  I want to finish FIRST....not last... and  I fully intend to live to a ripe old age (I quit smoking didn't I?)

I am a good person and as of today, I am going to make it my mission in life to let the GOOD people know that they are good... because I am tired of watching good people cry silently while bad people are praised.  To all of you bad people... IT'S ON. 

Remember

This morning at church one of the elders brought something to the table that shocked and amazed me, and not so much in a positive light.

Today is Remembrance day, a day where we stop for a minute and just say thank you to all the men and women and really, CHILDREN who have gone to war, for peace keeping or war.  Really, "peace keeping" is misleading because how many of our "peace keeping" soldiers lose their lives... I am peaceful, I don't agree with war, I am peace keeping and I likely will not be shot anytime soon. These soldiers are at war.

I am being honest when I say I disagree with war and a lot of what it stands form.  I dont necessarily think that our country or the US or any other country should go into another person's country and condemn their way of living as not right because it isn't what WE have.  Don't get me wrong, I agree that a lot of what goes on in other countries is an abomination compared to our way of living, but it is their way of life... and somewhere I have respect for it, no matter how fucked up I may think it is....

That said, I also believe that the men and women who fight for my right to disagree with the war, I believe that they deserve a whole lot of respect for what they do.  It is like "minimum wage grunts" who do the dirty work that many find beneath them.  I won't fight in a way, but thank you to everyone who will.

So, it was hard for me today when I was at church and the elder brought to our attention the fact that our Government is taking away from the veterans of more recent wars... Now, my father fought in the Vietnam war and though he fought for the USA, not Canada, he was still a soldier.  So I started really thinking what that meant... taking away from our veterans.  I learned that the Government is offering lump sum payments to veterans who have fought in a way and come back.... now, they are putting a price on limbs, digits, bones, teeth.... and saying that a leg is worth X and an arm with fetch you Y..... which sickens me... I have bad knees... .Now, if you were to ask me how much my knees were worth TODAY, I would tell you that there isn't enough money in the world to make up for the lack of mobility, the pain I deal with every day... and this pain, it was brought on not by war, not by carrying guns and packs around in the desert or swamp.  It wasn't caused by dodging bullets and walking sometimes for miles without thought as to when you might return, and I cant give you a price that it is worth... and yet the government has decided that there is a lump sum payment for these soldiers body parts???  What kind of country do WE live in?  How dare we "show" other countries how to run their countries and yet leave the PROTECTORS of our rights out in the cold when they have served their purpose... Is YOUR life over at 45?  No, and yet if you are permanently damaged at 45 you can get a lump sum payment for your injury, and how do they determine this???

What's more, in Manitoba and Alberta, children can opt out of Rembrance Day ceremonies.... WHAT?!?!?!?!?! how is this possible?  How can you OPT out of paying RESPECT?  What religious organization would need people to OPT OUT of respecting those who were before us?  I know I am not the only person scratching their head about this... Apparently it teaches the children something that they may not understand?  We can purchase video games where the object is for our 8 year old children to shoot and destroy entire colonies and yet NOT learn about real men and women and CHILDREN who fought for our lives?  For our Freedom??  What world are we living in that this is up for discussion?  It doesn't matter what religion, what culture, what day you live in, these people fought for our freedom to practice our cultures, our religions, our lives, the way we want to....

I for one believe that if we stop respecting those who came before us, and we continue disrespecting those here with us, and begin accepting credit only to the government, that our civilization will be over... that will be the end... when we stop believing in the bigger picture.

So today, and every November 11, I will stand proudly and thank the brave persons who are and were fighting for me, because without them, I dont' know where I would be.

Thank you!

It is legitimate...

Now that the election in the US is over, I am left with conflicting emotions… part of me is elated that Barack Obama has been reelected, and so relieved that Mitt Romney isn’t in power over women’s bodies…

But part of me just keeps running back to the things that I have heard over the past little while about legitimate rape, and forcible rape, and not rape, and providing proof that you didn’t consent when you cannot speak or move… and it just eats away at me… so today I am writing about something that not a lot of people want to talk about.

I am 37 years old, and I had more sexual partners before I was 13 than I have had since.  My virginity was taken when I was 3 years old.  Now I know, many people will collectively gasp, but you know, it happened… it’s done, it was 34 years ago, I have moved on.  I also tore my earring out around that age, and though there is a visible scar, I cannot tell you if it messed me up other than cosmetically.  That said… many “professionals” say that childhood trauma carries on into adulthood, and who am I to disagree?  My family is full of persons suffering from different maladies... depression, schizophrenia, manic, bi polar disorder, BPD, PTSD, chronic hoarding, dissociative something or other, hypochondria blah blah blah… there’s more I am sure… there are child molesters, thieves, dangerous drivers, alcoholics, drug addicts… you name it, my family has one or more members somewhere, either by blood or by choice… we’ve met them all (I DON’T THINK murderers, but you never know…. needless to say, My family tree is one that remains bare for a reason)… but I digress….

The first time I remember someone touching me, it was someone from the church… a deacon… he was a nice guy… was always inviting us over, just to spend time, it was the whole family you know, and with 4 kids in one family it was REALLY nice to feel special… and though somewhere inside I knew it wasn’t right… it made me feel special, so I didn’t tell anyone… even though I knew I should have…. My sister told my mom.  One day we sat in the yard, in the make shift fort and she went to the washroom… then my mother called me…. I knew right away that she told… I was torn between being angry and being relieved (I was, after all getting more attention)… the results were not what I was expecting… my mother, an adult survivor of child abuse herself, felt betrayed… by me, not by him…. By me.  I was taking away her friend… funny that.  We went to the ministry… had the tests that were further damaging, the shame tied to them, the special groups, and doctors… the Child Psychologist who specialized in children who were sexually abused….  When I was 17 I told my school counselor about a dream that I thought was a memory about that psychologist.  I dreamed/remembered him touching me… lying there, but that couldn’t be right…. This must be my memory playing tricks on me…. on my 18^th birthday that school counselor told me that she heard on the radio that THAT doctor was arrested for molesting his patients….

I had my first “boyfriend” at 14, my sister bugged me constantly for being frigid… for not being brave enough to do more than kiss him… really, I didn’t really WANT to do more than kiss him, but peer pressure is a bitch… especially when your super cool sister is in with the “cool” kids… I “gave away” my virginity at 15…. It REALLY wasn’t a big deal, I was sick of being a “virgin” anyway…. So, one night in the middle of nowhere, on a teen camping trip, on a picnic table, I did the deed…. He told everyone the next day…. Sigh… sex and me weren’t very good friends so far.

I was a live in babysitter until I was 17.5 years old, my boyfriend was my boss’ little brother, and yea, we experimented… then one night, she got drunk at a party… came home, high on something and said we should make out…. “Don’t knock it till you try it”… over and over… I tried it…. I felt dirty… and when I told my boyfriend, my boss kicked me out…. Told me to pack my bags and get out, I had until the end of the day.  So I went and stayed at my sister’s house…. She was 18, and well, love her as I do, we don’t get along very well living together….

I moved in with a friend’s mom until I was 18… when I moved in with my boyfriend…who later became my husband and the father of my children.  For reasons that I shall not get into, that marriage did not work (one of those reasons… yup, I’m gay)…. We ended that relationship when my daughter was a baby… not even a year old….  

Over the years I learned that my mom was right in some ways… the easiest way to garner attention is to put out…being heavy though, I didn’t get the opportunity much. I didn’t have a lot of set rules for who I wanted to date… I didn’t have to be attracted to them, just have them like me… and we attempted to make relationships work… then I met the last man I was with… what a great guy…. I didn’t put out for him for MONTHS into our relationship, we were simply friends who loved each other, lived together and slept in the same bed… for the first 3 months we were literally “buddies” (friends are friends, pals are pals, buddies sleep together)… and then I met my first OFFICIAL girlfriend… wow…  I learned then the draw of being the dominant partner in bed… and I realized that I didn’t enjoy being dominated, either by men, or by women…. Always tying back being submissive to some messed up part of my childhood, I couldn’t relax… didn’t know what to “do with my hands”…. (code words for my mind went nuts).

Since that relationship, I have had sex that I wanted… mostly.  Aside from the woman I babysat for, I believed that women didn’t force sex.  It’s funny what you will believe isn’t it?  I believed the stats saying that 60% or more women had been molested/raped/sexually assaulted, so how could a woman, who likely experienced it herself… how could one sexually assault another woman?  I have learned that sexual assault is a monster with many faces.  Sex on a night you don’t want it, unsafe role playing sex, drunk sex, many different types of sex can be assault… yet still it is something that I had preconceived notions about.  And since learning more, I feel drawn to apologize…

Because of these beliefs, I know that I have withheld compassion for a woman in the community who felt assaulted, and it doesn’t matter how good a person the enforcer is outside of that, or how drunk the victim was, sexual assault is determined not by the rules, not by society, not by the enforcer… sexual assault is determined by the woman who is BEING assaulted.  And I didn’t understand that.  I didn’t offer to her what she needed and lost her as a friend because of it.  Hearing these men talk about the rights of women and what constitutes LEGITIMACY to a victim and the assault of her person has forced me to look at my own society based assumptions.  Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse perhaps dampened my ability to see and hear her voices.  I see now something I didn’t’ see before, and that is how YOU feel when it is YOU that it happens to… I UNDERSTAND something that I didn’t really “GET” before. 

Sexual assault is determined not by society or what other people think.  It doesn’t matter if we weren’t there, it doesn’t matter if we WATCHED you get drunk and leave with that girl…. Because sometimes, you expect that people will simply respect you enough not to push you when You aren’t in control of yourself.  No one but YOU can call your assault “legitimate” or “forcible” or “real”.  When I was drunk that night, at that party, it doesn’t matter who I flirted with… I flirt all the time, FLIRTING does not mean that I want that man, your friend, to kiss me, blushing when he compliments me is NOT saying I want sex…. Being so drunk that I don’t OBJECT when you show him how you can get me off on his front steps does not mean I WANT IT… and it ISN’T a case of “seeing it differently”….

The government and society telling women that their behavior, clothing, level of inebriation, inability to state a full and firm NO, or education or lack thereof determines whether it is sexual assault or not.  Rape is rape… and when you wake up and feel that dirty feeling, when the thought of that touch leaves a sour taste in your mouth… when your heart skips a beat and you feel sweat break out on your hands when you see or think of that person…. When you CAN’T or DON’T or WON’T tell anyone, when you fight with yourself trying to determine for yourself if YOU said in your actions, in your words, in your stature… when you can’t get it out of your head and it sits and eats and hurts you…. THAT is rape, and I don’t need anyone else to tell me if they SEE it differently.

So to the women whom I have not offered compassion, to the young girls who have a hell of a rise to get through, to the teens who feel bad when complimented about their level of hotness rather than complimented…. It IS legitimate and I am sorry, for my own preconceived notions.  To the women who have been hurt and don’t know if it is what you think it is, talk to a counselor, because if it ISNT pleasure you feel when you think about that, it isn’t right.  To the children who are about to break into womanhood, and to those too young to fully understand what is LEGITIMATE… if you have a “NO” feeling… it IS legitimate, and you deserve to be heard.

Love you.

Smoking pot

I think that that title is a bit misleading... this is more about choices and chances and decisions I suppose.

Smoking pot comes into it for sure :) 

Over the past few months, as most of you know, I have been making some changes in my life, making healthy choices, things that will carry me forward into the new year on a different level emotionally and spiritually.  I attend church on Sundays.....yes... church.... even though I am gay, I KNOW God loves me and I attend church because it fulfills a need in me and I am proud to go, and openly admit that I say special prayers in times of need, whether it be my need or someone else's. 

I believe that I have come to the place in my life where I am for a purpose... A way perhaps, for me to grow up and evolve into the person I want to be rather than the person that circumstances dictates.

I ended an unhealthy relationship, and with that ending, I lost a lot of people whom I thought were my friends.  They were not my friends, though I had afforded them that title, through lack of loyalty, they proved that they are not worthy of that special place.  I realize that those people were people brought into my life so that I could see what is healthy and what isn't.  So that I could recognize healthy friendships, loyalty, and honesty on the most straight forward level.. Offered to me by people who stand to gain nothing by befriending me.  They do not have ulterior motives for this friendship, but they have shown me that they belong here.

I have downsized much of my home with the assistance of some spectacular friends who live in my complex.  I reduced the debt in my life by 30% along with reducing the electricity, gas and services that we use... I have limited the times I buy lunch, opting again for somthing home cooked, and only turning to store bought when it is a treat.

I have cleaned my home... cleaned the clutter and negativity... honestly, there is still MORE clutter, but I am the child of a hoarder, clutter isn't TERRIBLE... it is clean and not useless stuff so I accept this failing (we did discuss my trouble with cleaning lol). 

I quit smoking the other day.  This was a pretty healthy thing to do and I am SO happy that I have done it.  I always said if I could make it the first 48 hours, I would be ok... I am on hour 60 now... I'm good.  I don't even WANT a smoke...

Now, there are 2 other things that I have been working toward... 1) getting some more exercise... .I used to go to West Coast Swing dancing, however, like the Lesbian community, there is DRAMA and jealousy int he dance community and I don't GET it, don't want to get it and have stepped away from the whole mess.   So, I registered for Yoga tomorrow after work... wish me luck people!!!  My neighbor has stated that Yoga is good for your mental health, and since I am working on improving so many different parts of me, to learn who I am and to see and set my boundaries and limits, getting in touch with my chi (or touching my chi, or what have you)  I deeply believe, will be healthy for me.

The last thing is smoking Pot.  It's funny actually, not in a haha way, but funny as in curious...

I have been thinking about the fact that I smoke weed, for a long time.  I mean, I go weeks sometimes without getting high.  I go on vacation, don't know anyone who has it, don't care about it... if I am home or going dancing or such, I may smoke pot... I don't always, it is a take it or leave it kind of thing.  If I am with a group of people who don't do it, I dont do it... which leads me to really look at my pot smoking habit in earnest.

I have seen drugs ruin people's lives... I am not one to do ANYTHING to access.... so, pot smoking, like most things, is something I have traditionally done for shits and giggles... not something i HAVE to do, or want to do, sometimes i will quit for weeks, just because I want to.... so that begs the question.... why do I still smoke pot?  I mean... I don't smoke all the time.... why not just step away from it?  I quit smoking cig's and correct me if I am wrong, but the smoke from pot is probably just as, or close to just as bad for your health (no nicotine, butt there are other things... whether mental health patients, people with addictive personalities... basically bad stuff/guys)... Pot can be the gateway drug, I have always believed that, though not the way that the propaganda is distributed... there are too many facts and hints and leaks that point to something curious about the way the drugs/court cases have been going..  With the amount of people who are responsible for other people, for businesses and so forth, and they smoke weed, I find this interesting, but then I see the second wave... the younger people, my kids' ages, who smoke weed, and that makes me stop and take stock of where I am on this scale. 

So I have started to look at it... when do I smoke weed, what do I get out of it, how often do I smoke it, why do i smoke it... does it fix anything, does it repair anything, does it REALLY take me away from the shitty place i am dealing with a shitty situation??? 

I have to be honest, I have SERIOUSLY considered quitting smoking weed.... Not because someone said i have to.... though someone's not smoking kind of speeds up the process a bit.... because honestly, I have had women tell me that I can't smoke weed, meanwhile they drink their faces off (i don't really drink and don't like people who get really drunk)... so... then it became "well, u drink"... but now it has become... "why do i do this" all over again.

I recently spoke to someone whom I think is interesting... pot is something that is not an option if that is a road I want to travel... and I have been asking myself as of late, just how important it is to me to smoke weed.... Is it more important than getting to know someone?  Is it more important than saving money?  Is it more important than my health (if i have quit CIGARETTES, IT WOULD BE STUPID TO CONTINUE SMOKING WEED)....what is the draw to my teen game?  I haven't been a dedicated pot smoker for a long time, though I have smoked it and think to each their own.... is now, with all my other health changes... is this another one of the things in my life that I am changing right now...


I'm pretty sure it is. And I feel pretty damn good about it

Words

Words are the most powerful thing in the world… at least in my opinion (and since I am writing this on my blog, I guess that’s what I am always going to say… my opinion)…

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about words and what they can and can’t do.  Words have the power to reduce a grown adult to tears, they have the ability to make a fear, stress or anxiety attack back up a bit so you can take a look at things from a different point of view… I want to talk about double meaning words today…  I am not talking about words like they’re, there and their either, I am particularly referring to words that are the same word with multiple meanings… Words that have been “taken back” or that the power has been taken back from….

There are really only 3 words that I can think of off the top of my head that fit this description.  They are the following;

Dyke –  1) variant of dike

2) Used as a disparaging term for a lesbian.

Nigger -            1) Used as a disparaging term for a Black person:

            2) Used as a disparaging term for a member of any socially, economically, or politically deprived group of people

Queer. – 1) Deviating from the expected or normal; strange

             2) Odd or unconventional, as in behavior; eccentric

             3) Used as a disparaging term for a homosexual person.

I have searched up the actual meanings to these words and put them next to the word itself.  Please note, I got these descriptions from www.thefreedictionary.com

Over time, these words have changed meanings…the free dictionary says the following;

A reclaimed word is a word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been semantically overturned by members of the maligned group, who use it as a term of defiant pride.

Now… I get what this is reported to be.  I understand what the above is claiming, however, I struggle to use these words when referring to myself.  I don’t have issue with other people referring to themselves as queer or dyke… (It will NEVER matter to me, I cannot, will not and do not see why ANYONE would want to refer to themselves as the N-word, it sounds ignorant no matter who is saying it and it is an insult to so many.)

I have a problem referring to myself using any of these terms because of the double meaning to said words.  I look at it a different way I think.  When I first heard the term “reclaimed” when referring to a derogatory/disparaging term I was interested, however offended I may have been.  At that time the N-word was the word that was gaining interest and attention.

My father was born in Mississippi in 1929 when the N-word had its “power” in full force.  My great Grandfather was not allowed to vote, my Grandfather was allowed to vote but was segregated and didn’t know how to read, and my father was 35 years old before the racial segregation ended “officially”.  My father, always fond of the pale skin women (he married 2 white women, and had children with my mother, all of whom were white women) was not allowed to marry the woman of his choice until he was 34 years old…. And that’s really in the Northern states, not the southern as though it was a law passed, there is still segregation in some high schools in the south (not by law, but by action).  My father, whose name was Claude Nathaniel, was referred to as “boy”, “jigaboo” and “nigger” for the duration of the 40 years he lived in the USA, and when he married his first white wife, no one accepted the marriage, including his family and hers.  When my father was 30 years old, they drained a pool he swam in.

Fast forward to my life (this was FAR before I was born, or even thought of) my parents met and got together in 1972, my father taking on the role of father to my unwed pregnant mother’s unborn child.  (My brother is white).  I grew up as a mixed race child, as I have stated in another post, raised by my white mother and white step father.  There was not a lot of time in my childhood that my father was present, however, when he was, he commanded my siblings and me without contest.  I believe that I have adopted some of his southern accent, his views and also his good looks (toot toot) because he was an opinionated, educated, Korean War veteran who had seen his share of change.  His thoughts and views on the end of the 20^th and beginning of the 21^st century were drilled into my head (welcome views I might add) from his opinion of racism in Canada (which he felt was ALWAYS here, but people here hide behind a mask of political correctness) to his views of parenting.

I remember my father and I discussing rap videos early in my 20’s and how the N-word was thrown around.  He was disgusted by the use of “Nigga” by blacks in the United States.  When I told him the argument of reclaiming the word, to as a term of defiance he balked.  He told me that there was NOTHING in the world that can change the memories, the pain, the death toll that THAT word has brought upon our people, both black and white.  The scars felt by families of blacks killed in lynches, witch hunts, KKK, along with the shame felt by present and past day white’s for the treatment of blacks simply based on the color of their skin cannot be reclaimed, he said.  The definition of the word has not changed, he told me.  When I tried again to state the argument that is so common he pointed something out to me that I don’t think many people REALLY think about…

If a group of black men call themselves Niggers… it is reclaimed… it is them standing up in defiance to “the White Man”… when a black man sings about smacking bitches and ho’s he is stating his satisfaction of equality and yet, when a white man calls a black man a Nigger, the room silences instantly and he is a Racist.  If the word has been reclaimed, then it should not have double meaning don’t you think?

The word Dyke…. It is an interesting word for sure… I have no clue why it was used to refer to lesbians to begin with.  The term Lesbian has been referred to throughout history from the start of the word referring to the Isle of Lesbos.  I am not a dyke, if it is insulting when a straight person calls me a dyke, then is it not still an insult if my lesbian friend calls me the same?  I am a lesbian and proud to be one, I love women, but I don’t use the term Dyke.  To each their own… other lesbians may not have issue with this word, however I do (and in a society where we want inclusion, again, if it has double meaning, then it hasn’t really been reclaimed.)

The last word… Queer… is one that I know many people who use…  It is a term that the label-less community of gays use quite freely.  This word can also be used to refer to gay-friendly types, to artisty types, to Poly people, to cross dressing, unusual people all throughout the community.  And yet, it is a word I do not feel comfortable using, not even when referring to someone who has reclaimed the word.  Reading about the word Queer I have learned that it is a broad term used to self identify a group of different people.  Queer means different, and in that I suppose it does cover the majority of the GLBTQ2S community.

I do not judge others for using the term Queer when referring to themselves, however, when referring to me, I fit into the human race first and foremost and really, when it comes down to it, my sexual orientation and level of strangeness does not automatically make me queer.

The double meanings of the above words sits in my brain like lava, slowly rolling in and out of my conscious, sliding into the crevices of my mind, always there, always waiting just behind the next thought as it is not something that many people like to hear.  It causes controversy if you don’t agree with the usage of the terms, gaining a label of “homophobic” or “racist” or being told I am not supportive of my community.  My issue has nothing to do with being supportive, or being a proud black woman, my issue is with society dictating what you can and can’t talk about.

My family is a mixed bag.  My daughter is bi-sexual, I am gay and my son is straight (I am pretty sure he would refer to himself as queer were it not for my opinions of the word as my kids get to hear me go off about these words a lot)…. My niece and nephew are straight.  My daughter and mother white, my sister and I are black, my son, niece and nephew are “colored” so I tend to look at the BIG picture.  I look at these words and by their definition, some of my family can use these terms and some cannot.  Technically, by the “reclamation” of these words, I can use them all to refer to myself but they cannot.  I don’t’ use these words because I am aware of the power behind them.  I am aware that some older generation gays may be offended by the word Queer, or Dyke… I am ACUTELY aware that the N-word offends the older generation of blacks….

If a word has been reclaimed, if the power has been removed from the word, should it be a word that can be used freely by EVERYONE?  If it can’t be used by everyone, should anyone use it?  And lastly, if only certain groups can use these words, is that not, in itself discrimination?