2012....nope.... 2013

Hey everyone, and first let me say that I hope that this holiday season has been good to you and you didn't get THAT COLD that is going around... I hear it's a doozy.

That said... I am on a tangent, I am on a mission, I am ready willing and able.

Tomorrow is 2013... I can't believe it... where did the year go?  I sat here this morning trying to think of all the things that have happened to me this year... and it is immense... when I think back to where I was this night a year ago... this was not it..... but believe it or not... I don't remember where I was.

I decided that rather than making New Year's resolutions,.... instead of creating a list of obligations that are far out of reach (loose 200 lbs and be PERFECT blah blah blah), thereby setting myself up to fail which always ends up with me being disappointed in myself.... instead of THAT list, I would list what I have done over the past year, to ensure that I remember that......

I AM A BEAUTIFULL WOMAN AND I HOLD THE KEY TO WHO I AM!!!!

(is it just me or did you just TOTALLY hear that "da da da daaaaaa" music??? but.. I digress)

So to remind me, and to show you the strength that I have shown, the intelligence, the beauty I have created.... I will instead acknowledge how far I have come and how much i CAN accomplish when I put enough effort into it.

1) I went to Cuba... I flew on an airplane, with my then partner, and celebrated my birthday in a tropical place..... the beauty there, the people, the food.  Going with my ex even, that trip will be always remembered with beauty and love.... I recommend you go at some point, just sit down on the bench and watch the people walk by (and watch your wallet for sure).  The people don't speak much english, and for goodness sake, remember to bring toilet paper and hand sanitizer.... but I have no complaints and am truly PROUD of me for facing my fears of swimming in the ocean, flying long distance, being in a foreign country and went to CUBA.. It was perfect!

2) I ended an abusive relationship that in the end was toxic to us both but has taught us both so much.  I am proud of myself for taking myself out of that... for moving past the pain, for forgiving myself and forgiving her..... for standing up for myself when I didn't' do wrong and ADMITTING to my own abusive behaviour... I learned from that relationship, more about me than I ever thought possible, up to and including how strong I can be.

3) I cleared up 30% of my debt and took responsibility for clearing up a financial mess that i have left too long.

4) I have learned more about my children and where we all are in our own lives and where we are in each other's lives.  I see that both my children are working on where they are in their lives and see that my life, my actions, my decisions affect them every day, and am clearly working on making things better and heathier even if I have to drag them along kicking and screaming!! (I jest.... if you have seen my son you would know, i would not POSSIBLY be able to pull that boy, but I could probably hop on his shoulders and use a riding crop....... KIDDING.... GEEEZ)

5) I dreaded my hair..... I have wanted dreads since I was 10 years old and everyone told me that it was dirty, nasty, smelly, looked terrible, was a bad idea... and I allowed THEM to decide how my hair would be..... but I have taken control of ME... and dreaded my hair and I LOVE it... and so does everyone else!!! 

6) I drove up the interior on mountains and in tunnels WITH ME DRIVING.... to see my uncle in Williams lake and only panicked 2 times each way (that IS and accomplishment... previously I was FAR to afraid)...and I drove to PRINCETON by myself... in the middle of the night... and was standing 10 feet away from a FAMILY of wild deer..... and they LET me watch them....

7) I remembered spirituality and how it makes me feel, which returned me to the church.  I know that there is a higher power, whatever it may be.... I do not, for one second believe all of the beauty is an accident.... and I don't care who knows it.

*****DRUM ROLL PLEASE*****

8) I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!

I want to give proper credit to me.... to the people in my life who have proven to be faithful friends and chosen family.  thank you to my children, for not hating me TOO much (i know... there are days)... to my sister for haivng that baby.... to my nephew for extending an olive branch.... I wantt o thank my pseudo mom... for letting me stomp my feet when I needed to and talking me through it.  I want to send a million thank you's to my counselor... I also want to thank you for reading my blog... for telling me what you think, for spreading the word.... I love that you enjoy what I say, .. and to the babies.... who bring me back to love and innocents... trust and beauty....

See you next year!!!

Well, THAT'S out of the way.....

Well, Christmas is done... thank goodness!  I hate the holiday freaking out, the mood swings, the being forcefully cheery when you simply want to snuggle into bed with a cup of coffee, someone warm and a calm movie.... I suppose I want those things because they are things I have never had in my life... maybe those things aren't what they are cracked up to be... so I will make an effort... I will go out on a limb, as it were, and admit that I loved the crazy 2 day madness....

Christmas for me is so many different things, as I am sure it is for all of you.  I have so many memories from childhood and adulthood, from my kids' faces to the presents from my dad when I was 7..... The foods I ate reminded me so much of life as it has been and not as it is... there were things missing... that brought me back to reality.  No sweet Potatoe pie... my father's recipe.. No green onion casserole, my step father's, no beets, (my mom) or yams (tammy) no ham (keasha) or turnips (my grandma)....

And yet it was one of the Christmas' that I will remember most... I will remember this Christmas that not everything is as it seems and it takes very little to make the most of a situation.  I will remember that people may hurt you, they may emotionally throw you on the ground and stomp on you, but if they EVER cared about you, they might surprise you with an apology that is from the heart... I will rmember opening the gift bags in my room at 2 in the morning and sleeping till noon.  I will remember the wonderful people who came by, had a bite to eat, just visited.  I will remember chocolate pecan clusters and homemade brownies; banana bread and turkey gravy.  I will remember my family together in one place for a prolonged period of time and no one killing each other.

I will remember the feeling when a friend offered me a way to give my children Christmas because she knew I was in trouble and they weren't having it... i will remember thinking that I ruined Christmas for my kids and vowing to do better next year.  I will remember Turkey dinner everywhere... wine, smiling, hugs and candy... the kindness that I hear about was here, in my home, in my heart, and I loved it.

This christmas I was reminded that you don't need EVERYTHING to make you feel like SOMETHING.. you don't have to be in love in order to feel love at Christmas time.  I was reminded that a cuddle with my kid is worth the dirty looks.  That singing and dancing with my kids makes it all seem ok again.

This special holiday I was brought full circle to infants in my arms, the smell of their soft skin and the sound of their electronic toys making Christmas what it was meant to be....

Thanks, to everyone in my life, for being here in my life.  For offering me a reminder that love is worth all  the ups and downs, cuz there's nothing better..

Merry Christmas everyone!!

One person

Can one person really make a difference?  Is one really the lonliest?  I want to stop and think about that for a minute...

I mean, I know some people who are introverted, so therefore prefer most of their time on their own, but I can't honestly say I know ANYONE who never wants to be around ANYONE....Oh, I'm sure there are people as such, I just don''t happen to know any of them..... again... I digress.

So I have been spending a lot of time alone as of late.  I am not an introvert... I LOVE to be around people... that said, as of late, I have been spending a lot of time thinking.... what a dreadful pasttime don't you think?  Being trapped in my mind, the way it works, that's not such a great thing... but I have been thinking... mostly because honestly... I am in a REALLY bad place in my life... I am struggling with mental health issues, and just want to stop for a moment a lot of time.  Now... not one to back down from a challenge.... I have been foraging ahead and when something goes wrong, well I just fall down, get up, brush myself off and move forward...

That is SO hard sometimes... and knowing that I am alone and I am going to be doing these things and dealing with these problems alone, it seems to be very overwhelming.... So I sat down the other day and I just thought about it... and midst the tears and the negativity, a little thought occurred... a voice, as it were, that if i didn't have SO many things I am dealing with ALL at once, it wouldnt be so overwhelming, and I could keep looking forward and working toward where I need to go...

I know it isn't just me who rants to a friend or feels despair and have had their friend console them by saying it isn't "that" bad???  and don't you just wand to scream into the phone, online, in the face of your friend that it IS THAT BAD DAMMIT!!! so... in the interest of lessoning the "BAD" in my life, I thought to myself... if someone else could worry about X or Y I could figure out A or B... and then I thought about other people and the things that are going on for them... because though my life feels as though it is the center of the univers, I TRULY care about other people too.... anyway, I realized that many people in my life feel overwhelmed.. many people are at their wit's end... just feeling alone... I know how hard that is and what it feels like... so then I thought... I FEEL better when I meet someone else's needs.  I know when I can ease someone else's stress part of me.... deep inside... is happy.... even if just for a minute... just giving someone that second of relief from something that LIKELY feels huge... and from this... I devised a thought pattern....

Why not offer what I HAVE.... a skill, a minute, just something that someone else might just NEED and not have money to pay for.... just human interaction... a person helping another.... because... you see.... I have heard a lot about the 99% and that WE ARE the 99%... we do 99% of the work but control only 1% of the money... but.... why is it ALL about the money?  Wouldn't it be easier living in the 99% if it WASNT about that?  if you knew that you COULD find someone in your life to help you out?  Not always.. not on a constant basis... but just TODAY... when you are overwhelmed... just to take a couple of things of your plate RIGHT NOW...?  Wouldn't getting up tomorrow feel a little bit better?  Facing another day wouldn't be such a drain if you had 1 or 2 LESS things on your plate....

You know, when you fall on hard times, financially, have you ever noticed that you have certain friends who's homes you can invite yourself to for dinner?  why not be that home for someone in the new year?...

I read today, the following;

“I would like to say that according to the Mayan Calendar the 21st of December marks the end of the time and the beginning of no-time. It is the end of the Macha and the beginning of the Pacha. It is the end of selfishness and the beginning of brotherhood. It is the end of individualism and the beginning of collectivism… the 21st of December this year. The scientists know very well that this marks the end of an anthropocentric life and the beginning of a biocentric life. It is the end of hatred and the beginning of love. The end of lies and the beginning of truth. It is the end of sadness and the beginning of joy. It is the end of division and the beginning of unity.”

- Evo Morales, President of Bolivia to the UN General Assembly, 67th Session, 2012”

So.... I say... let's begin this brother/sisterhood... because i don't want to be alone all the time either and sometimes I need someone too.... and it's ok to admit that...

Some changes are coming

Well,

Some people know and others don't, but December 21, 2012 is the end of the world as we know it.... so I am making some changes to watch out for!!

In the coming weeks, I will have a new website where you can check out different areas of my life including my experiment....

I'm really looking forward to connecting with with you soon!!

hey.... are you gonna eat that?

So I have started several different blogs tonight, some for Christmas, one for love, one on laughter… and then I took a look at a post of a picture I put on Facebook showing two women who, for all intents and purposes, portray the stereotypical lesbian couple of one feminine woman and one who was more masculine….

A few people commented on the picture but I noted something about it…. The first comment noted how hot one of the women was, but how thin she might be.  Now, don’t get me wrong, this is nothing against noting that, but when it was pointed out that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, the next comment sarcastically cited “anorexia” as beautiful…. I was truly taken aback….

I recently went outside of my “type” in the community, setting aside physical attributes and concentrating first on who a person was and no longer taking anyone automatically out of things based on my “preference” of bigger women who wore glasses, had short dark hair and were more masculine…. I decided to just meet women and see if we hit it off based on who we were.  On this journey I have met some great women and I had the pleasure of getting to know a woman who in the past would have been on the “no” pile because she was substantially smaller than I.  Though I felt big and clunky with her, and even a bit shy, I realized those were MY issues, not hers.

You see, my older sister is also substantially smaller than I.  The family joke is that she has my metabolism as well as her own as she struggles to keep weight on and I struggle to keep from creeping any higher….  But this isn’t about me and my size currently.  This is particularly about thinner women… Now don’t get me wrong, no offense to all the thin women, I don’t want to pump ya’ll up higher than you get to be put by society but I do want to recognize that though society states that thin is in and obesity is the epidemic, thin women kind of get a bad rap.  Some of ya’ll deserve it with your “I’m far more desirable because I am thin” attitudes, however I know enough of you to know that a lot of those attitude really hide something deep and dark. 

Thin women seldom like their own body… WHAT?!?!?!?  It’s true… and here I am and was, sitting on the side thinking how great it must be to be thin for most of my life… but the truth is… a lot of them don’t like their bodies either….. Whether it be extra skin, or freckles, stretch marks or scars, loose skin from weight loss or strangely shaped moles that  had to be removed…. Nobody seems to like their body.

Now, I was raised by my mid to large size mother with my extra large sister and my EXTRA EXTRA small sister and my small brother.  My extra large sister developed an eating disorder at 16… she became my extra small sister, but being thin didn’t make her happier, she still killed herself… even though she was thin….. it didn’t bring her happiness… but I digress.  My XXS sister has always been approximately HALF of me… thankfully not in height (I’m not that tall, though that would have made her an EXTRA FAT short person... anyway, she has been half my weight pretty much since I was about 17 or 18…. My brother is also in the “0.5% body fat” group… lucky me… OBESITY!!!... again… digressing….

But, because I am a thin woman living inside a fat woman, I do like to live vicariously through my thin sister… except, while doing so, I have noticed something…. People… women especially… are just as mean and nasty to really THIN women as they are to women like myself who are fat….. so the saying that you can never be too rich or too thin is not true… because being too thin puts you in the undesirable department along with the big girls, women with massive facial hair, different size boobs, extra long labia, buck tooth, knock kneed, etc, etc, etc....

But I have noticed something else…. I have noticed that if a woman is fat (like your’s truly….) they are undesirable because of that fact… and finding someone who loves you for YOU is hard… someone who doesn’t tell you that they like you for your personality but that they find YOU hot and sexy in all your chunkiness…. Damn near impossible… add to that walking down the street to rude comments… ugh… the list goes on and we could talk about it for days… but I have also noticed that if a woman is thin (like my itty bitty sister)… she is undesirable because of that fact…. And we ALL encourage people to judge that…. 

Not ALL super thin women are anorexic or bulimic.  Not ALL women who wear a size 00 starve themselves… and not ALL women who are small did ANYTHING at all to get that way…. It’s simply the way that their bodies are made.  Some of the biggest eaters I know are thin…. And some of the smallest eaters I know are heavy….. and if you think about it, I bet you can honestly say the same thing…. Do you really think all of your thin, healthy appetite friends are throwing up?  No, because if they look “healthy” you don’t think anything of it…. If they are naturally within the proper weight/height ratio….

Those women were thin… yes they were… they were not MY type… but they were beautiful women… I didn’t like the clothes they were wearing, they looked dropped on the women’s bodies… but it wasn’t’ about their bodies, it was about how poorly the clothing fit…

 

I don’t know what it is…. But people come in EXTREME sizes now a days…. Super, super thin, and mondo, amazingly big… and they are beautiful because they are people…. But we need to stop lookin at a person’s size as though that depicts who a person is or if they are or aren’t healthy. 

Why not go out today and meet someone who fits into your stereotypical “no go” group and ask them out on a date… go for coffee and get to know them… who cares how big they are or aren’t… get to know someone new just because…. Base it on who they are not the size of their pants… and give people a break….. 

Behind the mask

Today is a shit day....  I have wrestled with myself all day long on what to do about it.... whether to tell anyone, how to deal with it on my own and you know what... at the end of the day... I don't care.

I try to keep it all to myself.... I wake up in the morning and I take my pills like a good girl and remind myself that today will be a good day and know deep down that if it isn't a good day... well.... too damn bad.... Nobody's problem but my own.... And then I yell at my kid to get out of bed, yell some more, TRY to drink a cup of coffee, yell some more... hope that I have time to take the dog out... or see if I have treats so I can take her to work, yell some more, shower... if I am lucky.... yell SOME MORE... message my friend that the wanda bus is leaving, go out the door, bang on the kid's window, yell for him to get up ONE MORE TIME, get in the car... sometimes with the dog... and sometimes without... and go.. probably running behind... to work.

Now, I have honestly tried to not talk about it anymore.  Not to complain, to comment, to bring it to anyone's attention because at the end of the day, it's nobody's problem but mine.  You can turn off your monitor, mute my voice, unfriend me, or simply not read my stuff.  You can hang up the phone, walk away, make an excuse, let your battery die and let me deal with the life that I live.

But I have to be honest right this minute... I am sick to death of keeping it to myself.  I am tired of pretending I am ok when I am not so that other people don't have to really care.... Because if others had to REALLY care, had to hear it, had to live my life, they wouldn't want to either... I mean... who would?  I know it sucks to hear that I feel terrible, that I sat at work this morning and cried until I had no tears left.  I know that it makes people uncomfortable to feel as though I can't trust friendship... I can TOTALLY understand the apprehension that comes along with being my friend.... but for once... just for this second... I simply don't have it in me to care how it will affect someone else to know how shitty it is behind the mask that I put on for other people's benefit.

Now... dont' get me wrong... don't get all up in arms about my statement... It is no one and everyone in particular, nothing said, nothing noted... it isn't as if someone actually said "i don't want to hear about your life"... well, no...that's not true... people HAVE actually said it, but that didn't trigger it today...... but I know... I know how much drama comes along with knowing me....

I want to believe that being in my life is worth the drama... the days where I cry for no reason, the yelling at my kid, the dismay that I can't quite hide behind a mask of not caring when once again the ONE THING I asked to be left alone was taken by someone OTHER THAN my kids.... the distrust I am slow to push aside after finding out that some mystery person broke into my house while I was at work and watched adult movies... because no one IN my house would do it....  I want to believe that listening to me yell at my 17 yr old for 45 minutes doesn't make OTHER PEOPLE upset too.  I want to trust that when something really is wrong that I know I can turn to someone.... but the fact is... I can't.  I turn to this...to a blog... not that there are not people I know who read it... but to anonymity because sometimes the positive thoughts of people who aren't there, who don't believe they have me figured out... is what I need to go home after work, have my dinner, go to bed and wake up and do it all again.

Today is a hard day and I am sure that by tomorrow I will have put it all where it goes and put it away again so that i can stamp it down to where it can stay either out of mind or at the very least, in a place where I need to pay very little attention to it.  But for today... today it's all there, it's all at the top of my mind, taking over everything, and I am struggling to compartmentalize what needs to be so that I can focus on what needs focusing.  I get that God doesn't give you more than you can handle... well, I'm thinking God has lost his damn mind (blasphemy I know) because I CAN'T handle this and I wish he would pay attention....

sigh.... tomorrow's a new day... I just have to make it through today.

Disposable December

Today, December 4, 2012 my step mother died..  she didn't die of Cancer.  She was not the victim of random violence, or gang wars.  Her life wasn't cut short by a serial killer.  She hasn't fought a long hard battle with MS... Her heart did not fail her... or perhaps that is exactly what happened....

My Step-mother... the woman who knew more of my father than anyone else in the world, the woman who was my link to a past hazy with abuse and only shiny lights of my father.... asked me not to call her any more after today... ever.... I stopped... I won't call..... I needed a minute.

My parents were together only when we were little... My baby sister (15 months younger than me) was 2 when they split up... and I don't ever remember them in the same place at the same time again until the day that same sister died 18 years later.

My father died in December of 2004.  8 years... time flies... sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday... other times it was so long ago I don't remember him at all.  A week before he died he called me to give me trouble for having had too many phone numbers, and that's the truth..... I believe, with everything in me, that he knew he wasn't going to last long and though he didn't feel like telling me, he wanted to make sure that my step mother could.... When I pointed out that most people wipe out the old number when given a new one, he told me not to get lippy.  A week later he was dead.... We went to the funeral, everyone told me how much he and my step mother talked about me and how much I looked like him.  I remember I was sick that day, and truth be told... I was high.... My sister and I got high on the way to the funeral and I felt terrible afterwards... and yet, somewhere in there, I didn't feel too bad, it wasn't, after all like he cared one way or another.  Part of me held the shame that I believe all kids have when they disrespect their parents.... but I felt that little surge of power..... again... as usual.... i digress.

My sister died in December of 1996.  She was 20 year's old.... I miss her every day... Not a crying dramatic, world renowned sobbing way... but her... her heart, her breath, her presence... She took her own life, and it was a day that brought our family together again however briefly... for December.

 I feel as though December has robbed me of so much.... and yet...

Yet this is the month where it is better to give than to receive.... this month, which, if you celebrate it (and I do) Christmas, the season, love and joy, peace and happiness are the themes.  This month, families gather around the tree, or whichever other icon they may or may not worship or family and such around..... (being PC is not easy but it IS expected) This month more people go to church, we pray a little bit more, we love a little bit more, we give a little bit more.  This month, we gather together, to celebrate our families and friends... we share food and laughter.... and we are happy....

I feel as though I owe December something..... and yet......

Yet I can't stop feeling the hurt of disappointment hearing my final link, final connection to a father I barely knew break and fall to the ground.... I can't help feeling the sadness of a small child wondering what I did to warrant her taking herself away from me... didn't I show her that she too was important to me?

In the spirit of giving.... I forgive her for unfriending me in real life... because it's all I have that she wants.....

coming through hatred

Your coming out stories         

Recently I was privileged enough to read someone’s coming out story.  I am floored.  I am a “lucky” one.  Me being gay didn’t matter to anyone.

My heart is torn with feeling, with anger at people for hurting others in the name of ignorance!  I am hurting.. Hurting that others, people whom I am lucky enough to have in my life have been degraded and hurt because of who they are when it should not matter!  I am deep down ashamed… Ashamed of the human race and lack of compassion in a group of humans….

I don’t have a special coming out story.  I didn’t have a moment when I went “aha” and knew I was gay… yes, honestly, making love with a woman EXPLAINED SOOOO MUCH… but it wasn’t a big deal.  In the greater scheme of things, my sexual exploits were the least of my mother’s worries… My father didn’t quite know but then again, he didn’t NOT know either, we simply never discussed it.  He didn’t want to know about my sex life anymore than I wanted to know about his so it didn’t exist.

Since then I have “come out” I suppose, but not really.  I have made no effort to share with the world the fact that I am gay, though I make no effort to hide it.  who I sleep with, whom I love, whom I choose to share my life with is none of anyone’s business but mine and the one whom I choose.  That said… I hear and read and learn the struggles that some of my friends have gone through, the level of impersonal and downright hurtful family and friends in this world brings tears of frustration to my eyes.

I suppose, being me, I may have people dislike me but I don’t notice.  Fact is… I don’t care, I assume everyone likes me, and everyone wants to know that I LOVE women, that I masturbate, that I hate kids, that I am constantly shocked by how messy/angry/belligerent/rude/stupid/idiotic/fun/funny/loving people are.  I honestly don’t’ notice if it is the dreaded TMI, however reading and hearing and thinking about other people’s coming out stories just floors me in the sense that there are still people who are THIS ridiculous!

I see how family members disown their family as though who their child/sister/brother/mother/father is has suddenly become someone not worthy of love on the basis of what they do in bed.  What gets me is that these people don’t REALLY break this shit down.  That’s what they are angry about… YOU DISOWNED YOUR KID BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE HOW HE FUCKS!..... How can these people not see the ridiculousness of it.  It isn’t because of who your son/daughter/friend LOVES… they love YOU… if you are a brother, or a friend or a father or a son, you LOVE ANOTHER MAN.  If you are a mother or a sister or a daughter or a aunt, you have LOVED ANOTHER WOMAN… what the fricken issue is boils down to what your family/friend does IN BED.

Well, let me just put this into perspective for you people who are so “on your high horse”…. I think what YOU DO in bed is gross TOO!  I think that your “normal” love making is boring and overbearing and repetitive.  I don’t find pleasure in it, I don’t want to see it, hear about it, be a part of it… but you know… I respect YOU enough and care about YOU enough as a human being to say that if it makes YOU happy THAT is what is important to me. 

Normally I have this lesson learning message.  I start out with what is bothering me, and end with something positive, thought provoking and uplifting and yet today I find myself unable to do it.  Unable to learn a lesson from the hatred of others.  I find myself unable to positively twist and turn this information, this seldom talked about subject.  I find nothing in here…. I am hurting…. Hurting for girls like Mallory and boys like Matthew.  I find myself aching for GLBTQ youth who are taking their lives…. Because of how petty people are… and how hurtful.  I do not wish illwell on anyone, no matter their views about whomever… I am saddened by the world in which I live in and I find myself struggling to find the sliver of light in this cloud…. It is hanging too low today.

To everyone who is being ostracized because of who you are… remember… when it is LOVE it is all the same.  When someone STOPS loving you because you don’t live the way THEY want you to, it is THEIR thing, not yours.  There is no reason to hide who you are to please them.  If they can’t hate because of this, they will find another reason.  All you can do is hold your head up high and know that some of us out there are in awe of your bravery, of your strength and of your resilience.

Thank you… for all you do.

You probably won't believe this.....

I have to admit something to you…. I have lied to you, I have lied to everyone for years…. I have told everyone how much confidence I have, joked and laughed with all of you, made you smile and brought tears to your eyes…. But…here it is….

I do NOT have a great self esteem.  I am NOT actually that confident.  In most situations, I really have to force myself to step up to the plate…. To take that first step in the door at the bar I am so bravely arriving at by myself.  I have to tell myself over and over again that a girl isn’t going to think I am nuts if I ask her for coffee.  I look at myself in the mirror repeatedly, wondering how that pimple got there….

I don’t like to be nekkid in front of people… I don’t want to take my clothes off for sex.  Don’t get me wrong, I can WANDER AROUND the house nekkid, I can USUALLY even dance nekkid, I love a good strip tease… but I would rather that people (someone intimate of course) didn’t look…

I know that in person I will talk all about how you have to love yourself and that you need to know that you are loved and all the rest, however, I am not so unrealistic that I don’t realize that when it all comes down to it, what people say to and about you really does change how you look at yourself.  Case in point, my daughter.  She is BEAUTIFUL… I WISH I looked like her.  She has (in my opinion) the perfect shape, she is just the right tall, she has beautiful skin and gorgeous blue eyes.  She’s blonde (as a black woman, THIS IS MY ENVY) and has curls that are sweet (though she straightens them).  She is a bigger girl, however, she looks in proportion to her size, she is what used to be regarded, I suppose as “husky” or “big boned”.  I think she is amazingly beautiful, graceful and when she grows up, some guy is going to fall all over himself for her…. she won’t believe him because what other people say to and about her shapes how she feels about herself.

We tell people that no one can tell them how they can and can’t feel, tell them not to worry about what other people say but then we are hurt by exactly that.  There were studies done on youth stating that raising a child with positive reinforcement is better for their self esteem.  Yet for every negative thing said/told/pointed out about a person, 20 positive things were needed to counteract that.  But we tell people not to be hurt by it?  We tell people who feel uncomfortable with eating in public that they are free to do so but don’t’ consider how it feels when some asshole teenager (or adult really) comes up and tells them to stop eating or calls them a pig under their breath or makes thumping noises when they walk by.  Who wouldn’t that hurt?  I mean, take the most popular kid in school, everyone likes them, they have a great home life (ok, hypothetically speaking here people) and every day for a month point out something negative about them, and get 3 of your friends to do the same every OTHER day.  At the end of the month there will have been 75 negative statements about one thing about that super confident person; now ask how they feel.  See if they now look in the mirror and see JUST that thing that is wrong or not…. This is how the negativity feeds your fear and destroys your self esteem.

I am currently nervous, for various reasons, however, I know having quit smoking I have gained some weight… as a matter of fact, someone who was once close to me pointed that fact out, just in case I hadn’t noticed (well, fuck you very much too)…. But I digress… she pointed out that I gained weight… I have been big forever…. I am used to being overweight, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t CARE about it… I have just accepted it.  Every day since she pointed out my weight gain I look in the mirror to see if I have gained more girth to my already large body….  The thought of being nekkid bothers me… the thought of someone SEEING me up close and personal gives me palpitations… because I have a low self esteem when it comes to body image.  I know that my body is not everyone’s cup of tea… I know that gravity has done a phenomenal job of putting things SLIGHTLY below (and off to the left) of where they should be… my body claps if I run down the stairs too quickly, my thighs get sweaty and rub together ruining the inner thigh of my clothing… I get that… but how does that fare for making love?  How does that work when you are taking your clothes off with someone new?  What made me self conscious?  Me, who can stand on a stage and make you all laugh, who can write a blog that makes people think for hours sometimes, and makes them look at me in a different light.   Why do I have a low self esteem?

When in relationships I seem to run into a number of problems… the biggest of which is “lesbian bed death” which if you are a lesbian… you know about… and if you aren’t… it’s pretty straight forward from the title exactly what it is… but just in case you DON’T know… this is where two women who are in a loving committed lesbian relationship, usually living together (from my estimation at least) who no longer have sexual intimacy on a regular basis.  By regular basis I mean perhaps weekly… or even bi-weekly is pushing it.  Usually someone cries, or fights and the other “gives in” because they are fed up (or don’t… it happens) Now… one would think… then perhaps go back to hetero-sexuality… only… once we get past the penis part of it *shudder*….. I had the same problem THERE TOO. 

That’s right… when I was “straight” I had lesbian bed death with my ex BOYFRIENDS too… but again…. I digress… This blog is, of course about self esteem and how someone else’s words can sit beneath the surface and affect you negatively forever… or for a very long time at least….  When your partner isn’t your biggest supporter, your “cheerleader” as it were, it is easy to allow the negative things that they say shape the way you feel about yourself…. When your partner in a well meaning way tells you that your shirt “clings weird” to your stomach or “bright colors make you look bigger” rather than boosting you up, it is easy to allow their words to shape how you feel.

I readily admit that I am not the most confident person in the world… who is really?  I’m just as scared and self conscious as my daughter about how I look, and what a girl will think of me.  I am scared to take my clothes off in front of her, I wish I didn’t have this pimple on my chin.  I am worried that my chin hair is going to be a deal breaker… because my self esteem is damaged…. 

But you know what isn’t damaged?  My belief that even if I am too fat, or smell bad, or missing teeth… that I can’t keep house and am disorganized… that even if I don’t make a lot of sense and forget what I am saying often, if I forget to buy groceries because I was watching a movie.  My belief that who I am, imperfections and all DESERVES love and to be treated well.  My belief that if I were MY FRIEND… I would tell me that I am pretty awesome and there are things that I have to offer and anyone who can’t see that, isn’t worth the spit in the sand.  My belief that no one is perfect and everyone can find something wrong with themselves… that we all have our “things” that we don’t like about ourselves… is one that has determined that though what others have said has made me self conscious in the face of nudity (or potential nudity) that I worry that I talk too much or that my varicose veins look nasty… I still have an awful lot of awesome to offer to a person who accepts who I am and wants to know me as a person.

So bring it on… while I stamp down the self esteem assholes that pop up and make me want to run, lay it thick while I run around flipping shitty thoughts the bird, because Wanda deserves the world!

Am I THAT friend??

Ok... so lately I have had lots on my mind, which, if you are following my blog, I am sure you have figured out...  Today's post is about something that is pretty much always on my mind.

I have been really looking at my friends, and my interpretation of the term "friend" and what that means to me as opposed to what it means to others.... We all have different ideas of friendship and what that entails, however this is about me and what kind of person I am and my beliefs around that. 

We've all heard about the dreaded "all about me" friend... you know, that person whom you can spend time with, hang out with, talk to on the phone/internet in person but you KNOW deep down inside they don’t' actually give a damn about what you are saying.... in reality, all they are interested in is having you listen to what they are saying about their own lives... You can visibly see the interest fade from their eyes, the glazing effect so obvious that half way through your important/heart breaking story, your happy, proud moment trailing off as you realize you are wasting your time because whatever you are speaking of has NOTHING to do with the "all about me" friend...

Then there's the "pity me" friend, who actually differs from the "all about me" friend who in reality only notices who they are themselves... the "pity me" friend will complain about EVERYTHING... even things that really aren't a big deal...  If you point out that actually, that isn't a big deal and really not something to be feeling sorry for yourself about, then you are not sympathetic and are usually met with the "I don't know why I even talk to you about it" statement.  When you base your friendship on honesty, you can't win with this friend unless you lie... and that doesn't really sit well does it?

There's the "I know" friend who knows EVERYTHING, all that you are experiencing, all that is going on in your life... this friend (I have been this friend) is annoying to a whole different level, because sometimes you don't want to hear about how so and so figured out that your kid is doing drugs before u did, this points out, inside somewhere a failure on your part... or triggers one at the very least.  The "I know" friend is often referred to as the "know it all" friend. Somehow this friend can link your cat's urinary tract infection to some article that they read that applied to every animal they ever had so there is something wrong with YOU for not listening to their "educated" opinion.  It doesn't even have to matter that the only thing in common in this situation is that you both have a cat... this friend knows it all...

There's the "center of attention" friend... not to be mistaken for either the "pity me" or the "all about me" friends because the center of attention friend makes EVERYONE pay attention to them all the time, sometimes going so far as to stop what everyone is doing so that all attention is glued to them... they may even tell you how much you love them, how funny they are, how cute, how well rounded... (DEFINITELY HAVE BEEN THIS FRIEND)... the "center of attention" friend doesn't really pay attention to you, but grabs on to certain things you say, interrupts you while you are speaking to point out something vaguely in common to start their own tangent.  This friend looks for situations where most people's attention is on one thing; they somehow take that one thing out of the picture, and then make it all about being the center of attention.

There's the "non-committal" friend... DEFINITELY been this friend... they don't' commit to anything.  Sometimes there are valid reasons (finances, conflicting date) but sometimes they just don't' want to spend time with you but don't know how to tell you... perhaps they only "tolerate" you and committing to spending time with you in an environment not of their choosing (because perhaps you are the all about me friend) is not something they are prepared to do.

There's also the "can you do me a favor" friend... it seems as though you are only in their life for what you can do FOR them?!?!  If you ask them for a favor it is a free for all because you asked... because "remember that time you needed x and y... good thing I was there"  The "can you do me a favor" friend is pretty crafty in calling in said favors... by the time they call it in you have been lulled into thinking that they did you that favor out of the "goodness of their heart" but you notice that they only call on you when you are needed and that you have to work 3 times as hard to make up for that favor they once granted you because their back is bad and they STILL helped you out that time....

There's the "one who you aren’t' even sure why you are friends" friend... perhaps it is just because you don't know how to remove them from your life without making a huge big deal about it... You made the mistake of considering too many people friends and by the time you are ready to grow up and remove people whom you don't really like from your life, suddenly they decide you are the best friend they ever had... are so hurt that they cry and talk shit about you in the community because you were selfish...meanwhile, you have discovered that you eat only meat, they are vegan, you believe in gender roles, they don't; you smoke pot, they don't; they are heavy drinkers, that's not your scene.... and yet you keep them in your life because so many people you both know that you are friends so stopping having them in your life means that you keep a "friend" on FB because social media NOTIFIES people when you want to remove them.... WTF...

The "indifferent" friend just simply doesn't give a shit... they can be the same person as the friend you aren't sure why you are friends with  friend... because really... they don't care one way or the other.  Most times, the indifferent friend can be found agreeing with your FRENEMY on what a shitty person YOU are... but only behind your back because NONE of these people actually care one way or the other.... to your face the "indifferent" friend doesn't actually stand up for anything, they go with the flow and don't really deeply care about how things are going other than surface deep...Most indifferent friends don't know that they are indifferent.... they simply don't care....

"Frenemies" are friends to your face and enemies behind your back.... they are the friend who will talk shit about you to anyone and everyone who will listen but deny it when confronted by you.  They always have a valid reason why they were having this conversation with other people and somehow they were standing up for you to all these OTHER people who were talking about you and they are pretty sure that "everyone" knew how angry they were for the things that were being said.... Frenemies feign innocence when they believe that you are a liar, because they lie all the time, so they assume everyone else does too... they will BRAG about hating you, behind your back but will be greatly offended that you thought that they would say bad stuff about you....  I don't believe that I am anyone's frenemy... I tend to like people and if I don't, I ask people I do like how to get rid of people I DON'T like from my life...

Over the past few years I have had to really examine my definitition of friendship and reassess if I am the kind of friend I would want to have in my life.  It turns out, sometimes I am a bitch... sometimes I wouldn't speak to me because I am the "all about me" friend... other times I am the “indifferent” friend... I can be your "I know" friend because I have lots of knowledge, so if that means I have to bestow my awesomeness to someone less knowledgeable I will do that ( I have 2 children, and boy and a girl... they are teenagers... I know A LOT about kids from birth to 17... Some is tied in with stuff I don't like, but nonetheless... my suggestions may be knowledgeable.  I could be "center of attention" friend, and find most of the time I am that person.. I'm loud and silly... I am used to being the center of attention!!!  I am guilty of being the “non-committal” friend because I never really know from one moment to the next what I can do on a given day… stuff comes up… and I suppose, in reality, I have been a “frenemy” too because there are people who you know, and you KNOW that you can’t make them angry, or they will drag you down… so I will feign friendship to avoid being the person that they are currently bashing…

So I suppose for the next few days/weeks/months in my journey of self discovery, I need to figure out which friend I like the best, so that I can be that friend.... Not so sure I want to be most of these friends... but life would be boring if we didn't shake stuff up....

Until I figure it out, I will be the honest friend who doesn't mean to make things about me, I am not trying to be indifferent, and I just don't know what to say... I "know" too much sometimes, but like to give advice, listen or don't, it is up to you.... If I am the "do me a favor" friend (I have TOTALLY been this friend... I have some stuff needing done currently) I will at least OFFER compensation... not a favor in the future, but I will pay you whether with food or items, not with money.... but I'm a single mom...so I can't always pay but if I can pay you back, by all means, let's work something out... usually I will make you a kick ass dinner!!  I am trying really hard not to be the "pity me" friend but honestly, I have been pretty sad lately, but I am working on dealing with that on my own, because I KNOW it gets old... fast....
I guess... I will simply try to be the best friend I can possibly be, and hope that that is good enough.

No... actually, I DON'T have to understand....

Something is on my mind today.... Society sucks ass....

I suppose I need to qualify that, however I just wanted to put it out... right there, for anyone to see and I don't care if you like it, I don't have to understand how someone could take that wrong.

I say that society sucks ass because as of late some things have really been wreaking havoc on my mind.  There are some statements that I know you have all heard, and probably even stated at some point in your life, maybe even this week, or possibly TODAY.

Nice guys finish last
You need to be the bigger person
sucker for punishment
Bad things happen to good people...
only the good die you.

I am angry today, I am angry that I am a nice guy.  I am sick to death of being the bigger person, I'm good, BRING IT ON!

These statements were obviously created so that the "good" could explain the shitty people in the world.  The people who will cry and wine for attention... the people who are passive aggressive, never showing their true colors and even when they do, somehow convincing people that they aren't shitty people...  If you are reading this and you are that person, you know that you are... and yet you walk around behaving like a victim.

Nice guys do finish last... why?  why do the cruel guys finish first? Is it because they are not afraid to take out the nice guys to get what they want... and we, as a society, allow this?  Why do we tell those who have been wronged and just want a second to stand up for themselves, to stop being trodden all over that they need to be "the bigger person"... because society says to let the bad guys go.... is it because their bad behavior  is so bad that society as a whole just wants the bad gone so urgently that we will sit quietly on the side and allow the "littler" person go and tread on another?    Is it really not "worth it" for the downtrodden to stand up for themselves?  to feel as though they are NOT victims?  Why should that person who has been held under the thumb of cruelty be the "bigger" person?  By these statements, we should expect that the shitty people in the world should be rewarded by a free and clear path to success while the "bigger" victims continue being victimized by keeping quiet about the cruelty of others.

Why is someone who loves with their heart, who opens up and is vulnerable a "sucker for punishment"?  Why should being a  loving person make you a sucker?  and what is it about society that we need to PUNISH people who love?  Why are good, loving, kind people looked down upon and people who don't feel deeply are revered?   

Why don't Bad things happen to Bad people?  Why do the good people pay for this? These statements anger me because they imply that this is JUST the way it is... yet we, society, determines how the world works... it doesn't just happen... Bad things happen to everyone, sometimes these bad things happen to INNOCENT people because other people are BAD and they need to hurt others.  Obviously natural disasters, famine, war happen to everyone... good and bad... That said, we all know when we state that bad things happen to good people it is to excuse something MAN MADE (or woman made... never let it be said I am sexist) that is happening to an innocent... a "bigger" person...

The bad things that we refer to that happen to these innocent people are usually things that can be prevented but for the cruelty of others.  A single mother working for a tyrant is "downsized" because she doesn't want to stay late... that's a bad thing happening to a good person... a disgruntled student lies and has a teacher investigated for illegal immoral behavior when they didn't like the grade they were given... again... bad things.. happening to a good person... a victim of social stigma is ostracized for his mental health problems, and left to live on the streets... good person... bad thing happening...  An abusive person derailing the healing of their victim... BAD person causing a BAD thing to happen to a good person.... Bad things don't JUST happen...

I am tired of being a good person... of understanding, of "getting it".  I am sick to death of being the bigger person and walking away while people systematically destroy MY character because I am a sucker for punishment.  I want to finish FIRST....not last... and  I fully intend to live to a ripe old age (I quit smoking didn't I?)

I am a good person and as of today, I am going to make it my mission in life to let the GOOD people know that they are good... because I am tired of watching good people cry silently while bad people are praised.  To all of you bad people... IT'S ON. 

Remember

This morning at church one of the elders brought something to the table that shocked and amazed me, and not so much in a positive light.

Today is Remembrance day, a day where we stop for a minute and just say thank you to all the men and women and really, CHILDREN who have gone to war, for peace keeping or war.  Really, "peace keeping" is misleading because how many of our "peace keeping" soldiers lose their lives... I am peaceful, I don't agree with war, I am peace keeping and I likely will not be shot anytime soon. These soldiers are at war.

I am being honest when I say I disagree with war and a lot of what it stands form.  I dont necessarily think that our country or the US or any other country should go into another person's country and condemn their way of living as not right because it isn't what WE have.  Don't get me wrong, I agree that a lot of what goes on in other countries is an abomination compared to our way of living, but it is their way of life... and somewhere I have respect for it, no matter how fucked up I may think it is....

That said, I also believe that the men and women who fight for my right to disagree with the war, I believe that they deserve a whole lot of respect for what they do.  It is like "minimum wage grunts" who do the dirty work that many find beneath them.  I won't fight in a way, but thank you to everyone who will.

So, it was hard for me today when I was at church and the elder brought to our attention the fact that our Government is taking away from the veterans of more recent wars... Now, my father fought in the Vietnam war and though he fought for the USA, not Canada, he was still a soldier.  So I started really thinking what that meant... taking away from our veterans.  I learned that the Government is offering lump sum payments to veterans who have fought in a way and come back.... now, they are putting a price on limbs, digits, bones, teeth.... and saying that a leg is worth X and an arm with fetch you Y..... which sickens me... I have bad knees... .Now, if you were to ask me how much my knees were worth TODAY, I would tell you that there isn't enough money in the world to make up for the lack of mobility, the pain I deal with every day... and this pain, it was brought on not by war, not by carrying guns and packs around in the desert or swamp.  It wasn't caused by dodging bullets and walking sometimes for miles without thought as to when you might return, and I cant give you a price that it is worth... and yet the government has decided that there is a lump sum payment for these soldiers body parts???  What kind of country do WE live in?  How dare we "show" other countries how to run their countries and yet leave the PROTECTORS of our rights out in the cold when they have served their purpose... Is YOUR life over at 45?  No, and yet if you are permanently damaged at 45 you can get a lump sum payment for your injury, and how do they determine this???

What's more, in Manitoba and Alberta, children can opt out of Rembrance Day ceremonies.... WHAT?!?!?!?!?! how is this possible?  How can you OPT out of paying RESPECT?  What religious organization would need people to OPT OUT of respecting those who were before us?  I know I am not the only person scratching their head about this... Apparently it teaches the children something that they may not understand?  We can purchase video games where the object is for our 8 year old children to shoot and destroy entire colonies and yet NOT learn about real men and women and CHILDREN who fought for our lives?  For our Freedom??  What world are we living in that this is up for discussion?  It doesn't matter what religion, what culture, what day you live in, these people fought for our freedom to practice our cultures, our religions, our lives, the way we want to....

I for one believe that if we stop respecting those who came before us, and we continue disrespecting those here with us, and begin accepting credit only to the government, that our civilization will be over... that will be the end... when we stop believing in the bigger picture.

So today, and every November 11, I will stand proudly and thank the brave persons who are and were fighting for me, because without them, I dont' know where I would be.

Thank you!